Christmas is over

Well Christmas was a bust for me. I wasn't feeling good at all. I did email my family Christmas Eve Day not knowing what I would be doing - but I stayed home Christmas Eve and did a lot of sleeping.  I was still in a total blah mode, but I did get over to Michele's around noon - and even did make the green bean casserole.  I got nice gifts from everyone. I never did get out shopping - so I have some catching up to do. But we will all be together again for Abby's birthday or Ashley and Travis' baby shower.

I feel so relieved. I am so glad the holidays are almost over and I can really work on continuing to make healthy changes in my life. I just made out a two week meal plan and grocery list. I have got to stop eating out so much.  And I do like cooking. I went online and found a bunch of healthy recipes too. So I can shake it up a bit. I hope that with pre-planning my meals and figuring out what day I will be eating what - will be a big help. And then to just keep doing it!

I am not making any New Year's resolutions.  I am just going to focus on living a healthy lifestyle. However that looks.

I took mom to see the play Christmas on the Ranch. It was a hoot and I loved the music. My friend Monica Heuser was the main actor. I first saw her at the Ordway when she portrayed Janis Joplin and she was awesome. Then she was at the Chanhassen doing Patsy Cline. Now she is back for this play (she lives in upstate NY).  And she is doing her own little gig at the Chanhassen in March.

Anyway, I have followed her and we are fb friends and I have also seen her at the Happy Birthday Janis show at the Cabooze. She won't be able to be  here for this one (held in January). Oh so my rambling is getting to the fact that after the play yesterday - she came out to meet mom and I gave Monica a big ol hug. She is really a fabulous singer and actress!

Twas two days before Christmas

And I have done nothing in terms of shopping - other than get a ticket to a play for mom. And I did get something for dad and Ellie - though I have yet to get it out with a Christmas card. Luckily I got an easy food for Christmas Day. Green Bean Casserole. We are celebrating at my sister Michele's house. I think I just need to get this week over and really be able to de-stress big time.

And I want to get back to Guild - which I will be able to do once I graduate from treatment on January 4th.

So I used to post fairly regularly (I think) about nightmares I had. I haven't had one in a month or two now and it feels so good. I was looking up a dream for a girlfriend at work here and came across this explanation of nightmares.

Nightmares are symbolic messages about emotional problems or psychological issues.  Negative thinking patterns, troubling emotions, or bad habits that prevent you from being a more balanced and happier person.  Nightmares reflect problems that are effecting you unconsciously.  A sign that you need to confront a problem, seek guidance, or try to be more objective.

Although nightmares tend to come and go, the only real way to guarantee they stop completely is to deal with the underlying personality issues they are trying to address.  Fear, desire, guilt, envy, or attempts to control others are some of the more common problems people face.  Without addressing them head on nightmares will remain a problem.

To stop nightmares dead in their tracks it's recommended that you begin to process negativity in your life.  Stand up to fear whenever they feel it, resist desire for attractive people or material things that you don't believe you can ever have, and learn to let go of the past.  An individual must begin to respect and understand all people even if you don't like them.  This includes forgiving people, taking responsibility, and apologizing for every mistake you can think of ever making  With enough effort the conscience can be cleared, and I can guarantee that your nightmares will disappear.

I saw Lisa on Saturday. And one of the things she asked me was if I was still having nightmares. And I told her not in a month or two. I didn't know why she asked me - but I wonder if the above explanation of nightmares has something to do with it. Or maybe just the fact that I am sleeping better.

If I don't get a chance to blog before Christmas - I am wishing you lots of love and hugs and kisses! 

Forgot to say one thing

I get a horoscope sent to my phone every day. And today - this was my favorite sentence -

something to this effect -

Radical Change occurs by many subtle changes (I thought I posted it on FB but I must not have.)

Yep, I agree!

Latest and Greatest

So, this semester of school is finally done and I am so so relieved. I decided to take the spring semester off. I need to get into cooking at home and really want to focus on making the gym a habit for me. I just need some de-stress time. And I want to get out to CT and to AZ - with school that makes it difficult. To find the time. I didn't get the job that I interviewed for, and that is totally okay. I am finally learning to just go with the flow and whatever happens will happen. I am in a good spot for now and I want to make sure I am working hard at staying in my good place.

I did meet with a previous manager that I loved working for. She is working in Eagan now, walking distance from me. I had applied but they cancelled the reqs for the end of the year. Which a lot of companies do. We had lunch at Carbone's (pizza place) and got caught up with each other. The position I had applied for would be working with her. She is also very supportive of my speaking out in regards to living with a mental illness. I told her I had just spoken at a fundraiser. She said to let her know the next time I am doing that so she can come (if it works with her schedule). Anyhoo, she said the reqs will be posted again sometime after the New Year. I sent my resume to her assistant. So yeah - that looks like a good opportunity for me. And it is within walking distance of where I live.

I had court on Friday for the refusal of the breathalyzer. And I have one good lawyer I have to say. I won my case. He had two other on the same day and we all had the same issue. Not getting notice of license revocation within the allotted 7 days. I got mine on the 8th and then the state screwed up by sending me another notice. All three of us won our case. My angels are watching over me.

I have the DUI part in court sometime in January - can't remember the date exactly.

I will be graduating from treatment on Friday January 4th. I have met my goals and I am using my skills that I have learned more than ever. Which was one of the main goals that I really really wanted. Because when I use my skills, then I allow myself to sit through my bad days when I want to push emotions away.

I ended up choosing the harm reduction method. My treatment plan was customized to me and to how I would succeed. That is the mission of where I go. And that is what has worked.

I also realized just how much stress has played into my use. People were always telling me I need to moderate my activities; how much I need to "do less" to decrease my stress. I always said yeah yeah yeah but I want to keep doing the things I am doing. And of course I didn't really believe it.

I believe it now. I am getting it. I have to keep my stress levels at a medium level. This is one of the reasons why I am taking spring semester off from school. I am also thinking about taking just one class a semester. There is no hurry for me to finish school, though I would like to have it off my plate sooner than later.

I haven't gotten any Christmas cards out yet. So I am kinda stressing myself about that. Gotta use my skills. Not really a big deal if I don't get them out before Christmas. As long as I get them out :-)

I totally did not get into the Christmas spirit. I don't know why. Well maybe because I was so busy - decorating takes a long time. And I was already stressing out about homework. I didn't have my cookie exchange and now I kinda wish I had - but it just wasn't in me this year.

I also had a girlfriend's wedding last weekend where I was one of the personal attendants. Came at a crappy time for me but it was all good. I am glad I was there for her. There were some mishaps with her hair and makeup though - time constraints and I guess the hair and makeup women got into it with each other. Weddings are so stressful too. Watching each of my siblings go through it, well IF I ever get married - there will be no church or wedding dress involved. It will be low key and very small. And then have a big reception.  However, at this point in my life, I don't think I ever want to get married. I like my space and time and not having to answer to anyone. It could always change, but I have things I want to do and it doesn't involve a husband.

My friend Chanda is in town. She is here for a few days, then going to South Dakota where her family is and then come back for a few days. We always have a good time hanging out.

 On Thursday my treatment place is having a little holiday gathering from 4-6. Excited about that.

I stopped by Guild today to get a little present that they had for me. It was my picture in a frame and then a picture of me and the guy that was the back up in case I couldn't do it. I will say, it is the best picture that I have of me. I actually believe I am nice looking. Or maybe my self-esteem is continuing to get better. It's these little things that allow me to know I am healing inside finally.  And this is what I have worked at for a very long time.

May my peace continue to flow inside. When I have peace; I am much better at talking and interacting more with my family. Another reason why I know I am in a better place. I think of 3 things I am grateful for every day and that helps me start my day with a good mindset. And they have to be 3 different things every day. Today I am grateful for the people I work with,  my emotional state of good, and for Chanda being in town.

I know I don't acknowledge my familial support enough

Julie met me at the NAMI holiday party tonight. My mom went to the Guild Fundraiser with me. My brother Jon walked a 5k for NAMI Walks even though he was out of town.

And instead of me thinking I need more from them...I am not taking into consideration how much they really do for me. I am going to acknowledge what they do for me in a better way...I don't know how that will look. I only know that they are there for me and I don't give them the credit.

Soooo, to my family...I love and appreciate everything you do for me. And not even just immediate family - but my extended family is there also.

Things are finally clicking for me. As in, thinking negatively and "wanting more"...they are there for me.....and I want to acknowledge that....because I need to give them validation just as I am looking for validation from them.

I am working towards being "Heidi" and I hope my family sees that. Hanging with Julie tonight....it helped me remember how much fun we had. And we can continue to have..with all of my family.

And my family is also NAMI and Guild. And even my outpatient treatment buddies ...and of course my friends. I have so many wonderful people in my life. Julie and David Lindegard from Hallock came to hang with me - even if just a short time. And I realize now that it is because they want to just support me. Julie L sent me a card that she loves me and wants to help me through  my dark days. The whole time they were here - both David and Julie kept rubbing my shoulders, telling me how much they love hanging with me etc...and as I think back - I think they were here - without saying it - to just give me their support as so many others do. I am blessed with my family and friends and NAMI and Guild.

And that is why I know I am still here - because I have a lot of support systems.

I love all of you.

Winter Wonderland in Minnesota on Sunday

Well we have been officially hit with Winter Storm Caesar! In the Twin Cities we have anywhere from 8-12 inches as of 16:38 today. This has been a busy past week or so. The Guild Fundraiser went really well and there were 575 people there. Mom went with me. It was weird...I was nervous and yet not as nervous as other times. I suppose because I have been doing quite a bit of speaking so I think I am finally getting comfortable with it. Got great kudos again. Police and Sheriffs were there too so I hope they gained even a drop of insight to help them in their jobs. Sue from NAMI was there too - so that was cool!  I had mentioned that I grew up in a small town in northwestern Minnesota - some lady came up to my mom and I after and asked where. Well guess what?  She grew up in Humboldt (near Lancaster MN). I even worked with her mom at the nursing home in Hallock!  That was kinda neat.

At treatment this week - my counselor said that she thinks I am ready to graduate whenever I want. So I think I am going for the first week of January. I did harm reduction - down to 2 glasses of whatever when I am out socially. Nothing else. And I have been able to do that. I think I will graduate the first week of January. That way, I will have this past year behind me (couple years actually) and feel refreshed for whatever comes next. I finally feel good and ready to take life as it comes. It has been a lot of skills learning with DBT, therapy and outpatient...and the skills are taking hold.

I have been pretty good with re-framing my thinking which has been a huge part of my success. In addition, a new word in my vocabulary is "impermanence". I say it in a mantra when I am not feeling so good emotionally and physically. May sound simple - and it is - and it works for me.

A few weeks ago at church I was able to stay for the community meal (not sure if I blogged about it) - I was able to stay and eat and even clean up. That is when I really felt like a part of the community. It pays to hang around when I can. Church has now kicked into high gear for me. One of the women even asked if I would do an adult education class on mental illness.

Today I feel like things are really truly turning around this time. Been a long time coming and worth the work. I felt very peaceful in church this morning.  I know the peace will come and go, and I am enjoying it today.  Taking whatever comes into my life today. Not in the past nor in the future.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for in Eagan (and that is absolutely okay because my angels let me know that the right opportunity hasn't arrived yet) - however, I did meet with one of my former managers for lunch on Friday. She now works in Eagan for a different company. I had applied for a job but then they cancelled it (typically happens at year end) and then will re-assess for first quarter as to how they want to schedule the position, etc.

Anyway, I kinda feel like that is where I am to be. I told her about my speaking at the Guild Fundraiser. She asked me to let her know the next time I speak.

I am taking a semester off of school again. I have to have less stress in my life in order to maintain any stability. School is winding down this semester. And I am looking forward to breathing room.

With the job stuff going on, whenever something comes about I will need to work school around that and since I don't know what "that" is yet, I need to remain open.

On Saturday I was supposed to go to a violin concert with people from Guild. They have a monthly outing on Saturdays. It was at the U and it was a performance by Doctoral students..which means they can always get re-scheduled. Unfortunately this one did. We ended up at the movie Playing for Keeps instead. It was cute and fun as always to hang with Guild.

Well, I think I have caught up on the latest happenings.

Universe is calling

So I got another job lead today. I wasn't able to actually talk with the HR Recruiter since I forgot my dang phone this morning and I was at work. I am going to give him a call in the morning. It would be a Director of IT for a smaller company located in Minnetonka. I don't know a whole lot about it yet - but one of my managers that I used to work for connected me with the recruiter. And the salary is over 6 figures. Salary would be nice and I also have to think about benefits, etc which I am sure won't be good working for a smaller company. However, I also don't know what "smaller" means.

I would like to think that when I get home to my phone tonight there will be a message from the other place I interviewed in Eagan to say - when can you come in for the second round? Although knowing how long it takes here to get things done, it would definitely be pushing it. The manager did say that he hopes to have it filled by the end of the year. I know we are rushing to do the same thing - so we don't lose our reqs.

On Wednesday I will be speaking at the last fundraiser for Guild. They have 800 people confirmed. The one thing I like is that I will be behind a podium so if my legs shake it won't be noticeable. When I spoke at the History Theater for Minds Interrupted - the audience was about 500 people - although the lights were down so I couldn't really see anyone past the first couple rows.

I got my first official email as one of the Board of Directors for NAMI. It was cool. Finally feels official now.

Other than that - life is ebbing and flowing.