2012 NAMI Walk is over....

My sister Julie and I were the cheerleaders for the 6th Annual NAMI Walk of which Julie and I have done every year. I always try to wrangle others so we could have a big group...perhaps some day!  This year we had 4,000 walkers!  We continue to get bigger and bigger each year. It is awesome! Julie and I are cheerleading at the halfway point and we blow bubbles and make noise and dress silly. We are pretty much expected to be there from a lot of the annual walkers! hahahaha. It is cool. And usually there are walkers that come up to us and want their picture taken with us. We are rockstar cheerleaders of course! And luckily there was no rain. It was pretty cloudy in the morning but the sun kept peeking through to keep us warm.  Our team (Cheering Changing Minds) surpassed our goal of raising a thousand dollars. Even though my brother Jon was in Alexandria MN for the weekend, he joined the team, raised money, and did a 5k walk in Alexandria. My family has really become another really good support system for me to turn to.

So I stopped in at NAMI on Thursday to get our t-shirts....if you raise a 100 dollars or more you get a t-shirt...and Julie and Jon and I all raised over a hundred....anyhooo so I stopped in at NAMI. Of course, every time I stop in I have to say hi to my peeps. I went over to chit chat with Brian Jost who runs the In Our Own Voice program. In Our Own Voice is a program that NAMI has where people go and share their story and even get a stipend. I will be getting training in October for it. So the reason I am saying all this is because when I swung by his cube, he asked if I would be interested at all in speaking at Normandale Community College in front of faculty and staff that are taking a Mental Health Aid course. I said sure!

Well I guess I hit a home run...I don't always get to hear feedback but Susan who was the coordinator for the course sent this email to Brian -

______________________________________________

Heidi, nice work!  "Keeping it real" as Susan says below.  Just the truth, that's all it seems to take to "wow" them.  Thanks for sharing your story. - Brian

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Hi Brian,

Heidi spoke to the Mental Health First Aid class on Friday.  She was great!  I think she may have surprised some with her candor and bravery to address a group of strangers and talk about her story.

After she left, we processed a bit.  Several people said they were blown away by her courage, strength, and generosity to speak to us so honestly and openly.  Heidi was the 'wow' factor for our 1st session and I think it set the tone:  this is not an 'intellectual' exercise here - when we here it up close and personal as we did with Heidi, - it is 'keeping it real'.  I honestly believe Heidi's presentation set a tone for the group that will make this class much more meaningful.

 

Again,  thank you for your help, Brian.  I saw Heidi at the NAMI Walk and tons of teams and I think I saw yours.  We were the little group with the sailor hats.  It was a great day!

 

Have a wonderful week,

Susan

___________________________________________________

I am a person that needs a lot of validation and I hope that someday when I love myself - I won't need it as often.  But these warm fuzzies make me feel good.

This week coming up is not so out of control so maybe I can get into the gym if I can go to bed early and get up early.

Teeny tiny steps toward progress, and I am feeling okay about that.  I am beginning to feel like the Heidi I used to be.

Love all of you

Wednesday September 19

My Catholic guilt is rearing its ugly head because I haven't blogged in almost two weeks and Stella, I think of you girl when I miss so many days :-)

Saturday is the NAMI Walks and our team is almost at the goal of 1,000 dollars. Yay!  It has been less than last year but it has been hard to focus and harass people. But they are coming through every day so that is cool. I still have to donate to myself and Russ said he was going to donate. I hope he will but it is getting close. Maybe he will donate the day of. Yeah, we smoothed things out.  (once again) This time tho- I am really all set with a friendship finally. I just have too much shit going on to have anyone in my life. Well I shouldn't say shit, but too many other things going on - which are good.

I had my court date yesterday for the Refusal of the Breathalyzer which is a one year suspension of my driver's license (though I do have a work permit ready to go). My lawyer didn't like the judge on the bench yesterday (guessing either the judge and him don't get along, or the judge is a total prick hardass).  So he put in a form to Remove his clients from the docket that day. We could have rescheduled and maybe got the same judge, or reschedule and get a different judge. We lucked out and got rescheduled with a different judge. I am sure my lawyer knows everybody in the Judicial System for Dakota County and that bodes well for me. So no matter what the outcome, I am glad I hired him because just the navigation alone and all the things I could do have been something I would have never known.

My new court date for the refusal is now December 14th. So even if it does get suspended I only have until March. At least that is what I understand. I love my lawyer and have a lot of faith in him. I know other people have paid a lot less for lawyers but then not had very good outcomes. So I can only say that spending my money for Australia on a lawyer instead - has given me a lot of peace of mind already.

Hopefully I won't be so freaked out next time. Actually I was a lot better this time because I was using my skills!

I did this in treatment the other day - Emotional Freedom Technique

http://eft.mercola.com/

I love the holistic approach and it is way better than 12 Steps. Yes, I am not there yet. BUTTT I have used alcohol as a tool for 47 years. I just need to put the skills in the forefront of my mind (which I finally had the lightbulb on Monday) and just keep working at it. I have made a lot of progress since I started this journey - some may not see it - but I see it - and for me, that is all that matters. My friend Martha emailed me this week (she is sober) and said that my perseverance is admirable and that she really admires the fact that I have kept on working at this. I have not given up. I know I am a goal oriented person. I will get there....it just may not always be super fast. Like my Bachelors degree is taking me 4 plus years. But you know what? So what? I am doing what I want to do. And that is get a Bachelor's in Psychology and then start a Master's in Social Work. Because that is my passion. I think I might even go into the field of Dual Diagnosis (Mental Illness and Addiction) because I have first hand experience and know how hard it is. And I have empathy and compassion. And people are open to talking to me. I am assuming that I give off a good aura that it's okay to open up to me. And I feel blessed by that quality.

I was at Guild yesterday. I am speaking at two of their fundraisers called Ladder of Hope - one in November and one in December. When I went there yesterday I talked with Mary who is on the Fundraising Committee and found out that one of the venues holds 800 people!  Minds Interrupted at the History Theater was about 500! EEK. Oh well, the more I share the more comfortable I am. I am very honored to share my story no matter how small or big of an audience.

Well I think that is about it for now. I am exhausted. Lots of brain energy going out this week.

Monday September 10

Wow, time totally flies. Blogging has been on my mind since last week but life has gotten in the way. I am totally unfreaked about my classes now. I totally love them and I don't feel as stressed as I was going into this. It is hard for me to just stay in the day. I have to really focus hard to do that. If  I don't try to stay in the day - then I feel overwhelmed. I am getting much better at using my skills though and ya know what? They actually work most of the time. Damn these therapists know what they are talking about. Ha! Tomorrow I am doing my monthly Get to Know NAMI talk and that is always a lot of fun for me. Today I went to the Mixed Blood Theater in Minneapolis with Sue Abderholden (the Director of NAMI) and my friend Brian Jost. The theater is doing a play called Next to Normal - a musical about a woman living with bipolar disorder. This play was at the Ordway in St Paul a year or two ago. I think maybe even Broadway. Well the Director of the show here in Minneapolis wanted us to come and share our experiences and to help educate the actors/actresses. They are basing their Next to Normal off the original and I also think (if I remember right) that the Director also wants to make it more real and yet still keep the artistic-ness in it.

What else has been going on. Oh, so Guild which is a Community Support Program and I am pretty sure I have talked about it here....it is where I was going to hang out with other people living with a mental illness, taking classes, etc....well they asked me to speak at two of their fundraisers. One in November and one in December. After going back and forth a few times with their Staff Writer, we have the final script I believe. It just has to go once more through an approval so we are all on the same page. I am excited to do this. I am getting more and more comfortable speaking in public now that I have had more opportunities.

I totally enjoy my outpatient treatment which isn't always abstinence - but for some it is also harm reduction - so re-learning how to have a drink socially. And I will admit, every week I couldn't make my treatment plan of having sober days as I said I would. I wasn't getting wasted, but I also wasn't being successful. At least if I don't stick with it - my therapist and I get together every week to figure out what is going to work for me. So - one day I want abstinence and one day I don't. I believe y'all know that this has been a constant battle going on. So now we talked about allowing 12 drinks a week which is what is considered safe and not having health problems from it. This is doable for me. I just started it but I am successful. I am not looking to get away from everything - from my thoughts of suicide - racing thoughts - life - stress - etc. And to be able to go into my Thursday at treatment and say - yay I did it. That feels way better than getting a chastising from AA which while I didn't really get chastised, I just felt that I failed so much. The majority of people living with a mental illness and substance (addiction) abuse (called Dual Diagnosis) fail at the 12 Step plan. We need a focus on mental health in addition to addressing our addictions. And that is what Minnesota Alternatives does. Whicchhhh by the way - it going to be taught at the University of Minnesota. The 12 Step Model came out of Minnesota for treatment, and I really think the new Minnesota Alternative model is going to be a good rival in the future, or at least give the 12 Step model a run for the money. The Director of MN Alternatives (or I guess I should say owner???) just published a book on the model. I know she was the driving force. I don't know if she had other input? But her model is kinda DBT based type skills and allowing the person to be abstinent or letting them do harm reduction. But it is SUPER individualized and I am the one getting to work with my own therapist on how I am going to be successful. And that is what I totally love about MN Alternatives.

All I know is that as we continue to tweak (just as my psychiatrist and I have to tweak my meds) - I am feeling happier and happier with my progess. Heck, even just from two months ago. I have drastically reduced. And of course I feel much better, no DUH. And I always knew that. And by feeling better I mean more motivated - nothing new there.

Oh and I did work at the NAMI Booth at the State Fair this year. That was fun too. I walked around some and even connected with Julie and Donny and Michele and Jim (we just all happened to be there on Labor Day) so the mini-sibliling reunion was nice. And my friend Kristi who tool her dog Luke through training to be a therapy dog was at the State Fair too. The kennel where she got certified to train was at the Pet building doing demonstrations.

So yeah - things are moving along.