Wow

I didn't realize I had just blogged last week. I ended up spiraling into a deep depression...when I feel that way...my brother has described it best for me - I feel despair and have a hard time seeing getting out of it and also feel like I want to give up because I don't want to continue living my life this way. That is definitely how I was feeling. The positive side is that I kept in touch a lot with my AA friend Martha - and also with my mom and other friends. This is the first time (at least that I remember) that I turned to my support system. Before I wasn't feeling like I had one here in MN. Don't ask me why because I know my family (not just immediate) are there for me. I finally feel it though. Or maybe I just wanted to push them away because I didn't want them to see what I was doing when I was manic or depressed. Though they probably did because in AA - one thing I have learned is that none of us with addictions really are successful in hiding our addictions from at least some family members. So I reached out to people and even my addiction counselor. I was suppose to see her on Monday but then she got ill and had to leave (usually I see her Tuesdays but she wanted to see me Monday since I was in a very dark place). Anyway - she called me and we talked for awhile about what I should do...the different options. By Monday I had been up for nearly two days straight and felt no comfort coming to me anytime soon in terms of sleep. I ended up going to urgent care to get a prescription for Trazadone. I also called Maureen's House which is a safe place to stay but isn't a locked unit like a hospital mental health unit. And I get to keep my cell phone too. I was there last year. Unfortunately they didn't have a bed open and I tried Sunday and Monday. So calling my therapist got me through it and calling others and going to urgent care. I still don't feel totally out of the woods - I am feeling totally exhausted and wiped out so it will probably take a few more days to get back to stability.

So today I saw my therapist Ginny (Ginny is the addiction therapist)  - I still see Lisa to keep in touch but not as often. My issue is not only do I have an addiction to alcohol - but also to spending, sex and eating - so I have multiple addictions. And today the insight I had is that while my addiction to alcohol is still very rocky at this point - I have really reigned in all the other things.  I have been much more mindful about not giving in to them and doing the healthy thing. So ya know what? All I can do is continue to make progress and having multiple addictions means that I have to focus and work on all of them - in addition to working on my mental health and trying as much as I can to remain stable. And once I get more sobriety in me and a stronger set of DBT skills and just life skills in general - my moments of stability should be longer in between episodes. I sure hope anyway. I need to know there is a better light. I have also been working on my spirituality. So as I type all these things out - there are a whole lotta things I am working on and I believe I need to work on them to get to the other side of the struggles.

I have believed in the back of my mind I have angels watching over me and hanging in with me - there are a few times that I should have been dead and yet I remained alive. And I think only because my angels have been with me. In fact - not even with just stupid shit I have done but even living with a mental illness and addictions. So today - my angels were helping again. I got a call from the Community Outreach Director from Guild. Guild is another support system for me that I go to once a week. They run Maureen's House and also have a Community Support Program. It is a building where those living with a mental illness can have a place to hang with others that also have a mental illness. They have classes every day. The classes I go to are Grieving Mental Illness and the other one (tho I had to miss some due to this semester) is IDDT - Integrated Dual Diagnosis Therapy (or maybe treatment) for those of us that live with a mental illness and substance abuse. One of the members committed suicide a couple months ago. I could totally understand that. I have wondered how I would live my life without alcohol even though I know that is the healthy thing. So the past three months have been pretty eye opening in terms of living a healthy life.

OHHH so back to the Director at Guild and my angels. He called me today wondering if I would be willing to share my story and also to share about my experience at Guild at their fundraiser they have in the fall. And also perhaps take part in a video they want to create to show as needed. Guild and NAMI both help tremendously with my moods - they are feel good places for me. So I needed that call today. It reminded me of some of the reasons why I keep on going.

Update

Hi all -

Got my notice finally in the mail that my license is to be revoked. However, when I check the DMV website it still shows valid. My lawyer had suggested I go to the DMV to get a work permit - however- when I went there today (my friend Kristi took me there) since it still shows valid - they can't do anything. The DMV lady said that nothing should happen until my court date but to keep checking the website. My lawyer filed the lawsuit on Monday and he said they have to schedule a date within 60 days...and it is typically about 40. He will be going to court. I also got a big envelope of letters he sent to the City Attorney, etc asking for a court date, removal of revocation because they police office didn't give it to me the night they took me to the Police Department and by the time I did get the notice it was after 7 days and by law it I am supposed to get a notice within 7 days (at least I hope I am remembering what he told me correctly - we have talked about a lot).

And yes - I still stand by - no matter how painful this is - stand by the fact that I needed this to happen to me. So that I can move forward. Monday night I was feeling emotionally drained....I think Jon described it good - despair. I do feel physical pain when I am in the dark place as I call it. And I could have gone to the bar since it was still open (walking of course) - and I didn't. I didn't sleep at all hardly - but I laid in bed and just kept telling myself that if I don't sit through this - it won't happen. I won't get past dealing with my emotional pain. And if I don't sit through it and use my DBT skills - I will stay stalled.

So I laid there. I said the serenity prayer over and over trying to get my mind off my pain. I prayed to God, the Universe and my Angels....I have known that they are always there even when I wanted to push them away. They never left. And I am ready to enhance my spirituality to move forward. I need them. However they end up being in my life - I know I am going to need them. This is my life. I finally figured out I can't do it alone. Or at least - when I embrace them and embrace my demons instead of fighting and ignoring them through all my addictions (alcohol, food, shopping) - I will make it or else it will remain a tougher haul than I need my life to be. It is okay for me to be happy and have rocky days. This is my life - this is life.

I have made progress over the past year and even past month. My friend Jen has seen it (she was my second AA person I met) and validated me. My addiction counselor Ginny validated that she has seen my resolve to work on my addictions especially in the last couple weeks.

I don't have near the resistance to AA that I had in December 2010. All of these things are showing me that I continue to progress. And I am moving forward. Even if it isn't as fast as I want it....I am doing it - with your support - and with the support of my angels, the universe and God.

Love and peace to all of you

Heidi

I needed to fuck up

This is what I sent in an email to my AA girlfriends last Friday - March 30th. The incident happened the night before.

" I drove my car into the ditch because I over turned the steering wheel after being at the bar for a couple hours. So I got to visit the Eagan PD for about an hour last night. Russ the Handyman came and picked me up.

The car was towed of course and this morning a  buddy of mine drove me around to the towing place - total front bumper gone and passenger side has big dents. Ran  up against a utility pole.

Actually as I think about it now - Coulda been bad news if I hit the pole straight on.

So my car is in the repair place but an insurance adjuster wont be able to get there until Mon or Tues. I am glad I have rental insurance on my car insurance.

Also spent an hour and a half with an attorney.

So we'll see what happens.  But you know what?  I am not overly upset. It is going to cost me bucks of course but I know I have been in self-destruct mode for a long time now. And I have been thinking a lot lately that I see another DWI in my future. And I just didn't care.

I had DBT therapy today and was lucky enough to catch the tail end of it - which I was very happy about. I walked in and told everyone right away what had happened because that is a safe place for me.

As all of this has transpired - I was thinking this morning - I think I was doing all this self-harming behavior because I needed to get to where my bottom is. I am not feeling like a depressed bottom but just that I needed that one big ass consequence. I am very grateful that no one else was involved. Just me.

So my angels are still watching over me."

 

 

UPDATE - 

 

My car Lucy was totaled. I found this out late Monday afternoon. So I have been running around like heck with the insurance people (well dealing with them which was actually great - highly recommend Progressive) - and trying to get a car - which I did today. A 2012 Ford Fusion - cheaper payments than my Lincoln even. And I also found that my credit score is finally in the A range which I have been working on since I bought my condo in 2006. Sure took long enough! So what really transpired is that I ran the car into the ditch/utility pole. However no police saw me. In fact - the police didn't snag me until I was in my condo complex and about ready to open the door. The office said you need to come with me to the station. I said ok, just let me check on my cat first and started to put my key in the door. He said if you put that key in the door I will handcuff you. I told him, you can't handcuff me because I had rotator cuff surgery and that will screw up my surgery. So I proceeded to once again put the key in the door. And the officer said we can do this the easy way or the hard way. If you put that key in the door, I will handcuff you  - otherwise if you come peacefully I won't. I wanted to check and make sure Gertie had food, etc in case I was going to stay overnight or over the weekend, etc.

So I went peacefully. On the way to the station the officer asked if I wanted to call anyone. I said I don't have my cell phone and that is where all the numbers are. I first said to call my mom but no number came up. So then I said try Russ Wiley. Thank gawd Russ answered.  So Russ came and picked me up.

Anyhoo - so been working with a lawyer. I refused the breathalyzer because I didn't know what to do and for future reference, I guess the best thing is to blow (but trust me, it ain't gonna be me). A refusal means a 1 year loss of license. Hi-ever!  I am not really sure where anything is at right now. My lawyer is confident he will get me out of the DWI because the cop messed up (he impounded my plates and he should never have done that since I didn't fit the criteria for impoundment) - and that is just the beginning.

So the fun begins. My friend Kristi took me to Roseville Ford today to get my new car. As I said in the above email to my AA girfriends tho - I have been in self-destruct mode for a looonnngggg time and I really think that I was trying to make myself hit that bottom so that I could just move on. And I feel relief and at peace that I don't have to go back and forth on drinking anymore. Or any of my addictions. And I know that I can continue to work in therapy and I don't have to drink or eat or shop or any of that to deal with what I need to deal with.

And it is totally OK for me to be happy and drama free and successful in all aspects of my life. Not just work and NAMI. 

I am ready for the next leg of my journey - in fact I am excited. I saw my addiction counselor on Tuesday - she is also the leader of my DBT group and I was open and honest with them last Friday and told them what had happened. Anyway - she said I look 10 years younger and that she can see that I truly am ready to continue working and that she truly believes in me and what I said about doing the work without doing self-harm. I know that all of my addictions were getting in the way of truly working my DBT skills. 

 

Thank you angels and Universe and God for taking care of me and for allowing me to finally see the direction that you want me to go.