Post Thanksgiving

None of us kids were together at this Thanksgiving - well I did stop by cousin Carrie's for a bit and Julie, Don and Zach were there. Otherwise Jon and Michele both went to their in-laws. In the past I would have been upset that at least the majority of us weren't able to get together....but I really enjoyed having Thanksgiving with just mom and Greg. And I can also see that I am continuing to grow in my thinking...because I didn't get upset. It is is what it is! It was very simple - turkey breast, stove top stuffing, mashed potatoes, roasted veggies, corn and cranberries. Holidays sure aren't fun anymore in terms of eating. And especially like Thanksgiving when the idea is to give thanks and then eat like pigs!  But any holiday is really all about being with your family anyway. And I spent a lot of the day with mom and Greg.

One cool thing was me being able to ride my motorcycle to mom's!  Who'da thought that I would be taking my motorcycle out for a spin on Thanksgiving in Minnesota! It was fabulous. After eating at mom and Greg's (I like eating dinner early so then I can do other things if I want to) I met up with Peggy and Beth Bear at a restaurant called Moe's. Of course, any restaurant open on Thanksgiving only has a buffet. And this one was 18.99 - which typically if I go out for a nice meal I have no qualms about it. However, since I had just eaten 2 hours before and a buffet is a waste for me - I just hung out with them.  It has been awhile since I have been out to visit the Bears.

After that I stopped off at Carrie's for about an hour. I did eat some food there. I didn't stay long because I wanted to get home before dark on my motorcycle. I got home around 4:30, grabbed my car and went back to mom and Greg's. Then mom and I watched the Lady Gaga special together and it was awesome.

Anyhoo - no words of wisdom for today's post. Just finishing up another "Monday" for me since I work Sundays - Wednesdays

Just about to Thanksgiving

I can't believe that Thanksgiving and Christmas are almost here! This year has sped by. I had a physical a couple weeks ago and got my numbers back from the blood work and I am super super happy with them.  Total cholesterol - 175 (normal is under 200) Triglycerides (fats ) 74 - normal is under 150. HDL (good cholesterol) is 83 - normal is over 39. LDL (bad cholesterol) is 77 - normal is under 100. Thyroid is normal  - 1.4 (range for normal is 0.5 to 5.0)  . Dr Dickhudt was extremely pleased when I came in for my physical. And I bet my numbers made him even happier.  I have great great doctors. He spent at least 20 minutes with me I bet - we talked about weather and depression and working out, etc. He is an all around good guy. The other cool thing is he really wants to make sure that all of my doctors have the information - so that my "team" of caregivers are all on the same page. I love that.  I always try to make sure that information is shared amongst my docs.

I think I am finally starting to get a hang of this thing called life. I am slowly beginning to start being okay with the ups and downs. Handling it much better. Stuff is just finally beginning to make sense. I think with all the DBT and the Guild Groups I am going to - and of course seeing Lisa - well it is coming together. I am beginning to feel comfortable in my skin and I might even be able to say that I think I am finally finally beginning to love myself. I haven't really thought about that until now when I started blogging. The self - love has really been something I have been wanting for a long time. And not really knowing how to get to this point. And I don't know if I can really look to when this started happening. I just know that I have my wall of happiness in my condo (I keep any kudos type note taped to my door so that when I feel down I can go read my door).  I have a LOVE gel cling on my bathroom window that my gf Danielle sent to me in the mail when I was struggling for a bit. And she said to stick it on my bathroom mirror and think about how much she loves me when I look at it. And it just makes me think about all the people I love and that love me.

And learning coping skills and life skills....and working through hard stuff in therapy. And listening to my self-affirmation CD - pretty much on a daily basis.

I am beginning to love Heidi, and I am beginning to feel comfortable with myself and who I am.

And I also believe that with all the involvement with NAMI - that is such a happy part of my life.

I try to say thanks to God/Universe every day (however you perceive your higher power) -

And I have been reading a book called Conversations with God in which so much of it makes sense to me. I need to actually finish it now.

So I am viewing myself as a different person. I mean, I see myself as different.  Still lots of the same ol Heidi (I hope anyway) in terms of dorkiness, etc. But I am feeling different inside. I think it might be that I have a feeling of peace again. I know I had said that awhile back. And for whatever reason I was under the illusion that the peace would remain with me forever and never leave. And it is these things about life that I am learning and ever so slowly beginning to accept. I am going to have to keep working at gaining peace back when it may hide from time to time.

I think that is where I am beginning to see my thinking getting adjusted in a better direction. Understanding that there will be joy, there will be sadness, there will be peace, there will be love....and that all of these emotions are part of everyone's lives.

Having some stability in my mood also for a bit now  - well I am sure that is a big asset to all of what I am feeling. All I know is that the holidays are right upon us - and for once I am not feeling depressed, I am not having fearful thoughts about suicide - I am not dwelling on winter and how much the long days can be a pain for me.

I am always thankful for my wonderful family and friends - and this year I want to say that I am thankful for my emotional stability right now, I am thankful for my doctors and Guild, and DBT, I am thankful for working at a job I love, I am thankful for NAMI, I am thankful for my new church....and well, I am thankful for my life and all of the great things that are in it.

In case I don't get a chance to blog again before Thanksgiving....know that I love each and every one of you very dearly. You are all an inspiration to me.  Love to you  and hugs and kisses.

NAMI Post Walk Party

Russ an Julie and I went to a NAMI Post Walk celebration party and it was a lot of fun. We had the awards for the top family fundraising and then I got recognized as a top individual fundraiser. It was awesome. I also got kudos for Volunteer Extraordinaire. And that was awesome. And when I went to Guild today for my group sessions, my friend Mary (group leader) said the she was so happy to see me. And that felt good. I told Mary that I feel kinda guilty because my life really is good and so many people at Guild can barely make ends meet. And I don't even want to share how good my life is. But Mary said we need people like you. To show that there is hope. That was so awesome because really, in actuality, I just want to help these poor people. And I can't. As in, that is against the rules. I wish every effin legislature would see how my friends live. They are just happy to get a shirt or pants out of the "free box".  That makes me sad too. Don't people effing realize that people need HELP!  And yet so many people are ready to judge - to say that people are lazy. This is not the case. Dammit! Pisses me off/ Anyway - enough soap box. I am just so disappointed in a lot of people.

November 5th

Today mom and I went to the Albertville Outlet Mall. We did some shopping but what I love the most is just hanging with mom and talking. I think since I have started blogging, been in the hospital at times and just in general hanging out - since I lived with mom and Greg when I moved back to MN - that even though if she doesn't truly get it - she is supportive. Not that other family members aren't. Because they are. And I absolutely know that.  But perhaps living with Mom and Greg - I dunno - but I feel an extra connection to her.

Anyway - I have to say - that still - this suicide thing is upsetting me. I didn't know him intimately - but it just is so freaky to me that in a 3 week period he commits suicide. Especially when he was going to be a speaker at a conference/symposium - whatever.

I try to share my story and talk to a certain degree on Facebook about how I am feeling - and Jeff still took his life. Even though there are so many days that I want to not live - there is something keeping me there.

And perhaps Jeff felt the same way. And he is no longer with us.

And I am fearful

November 3

I actually found out that a NAMI volunteer died yesterday. I kinda had an inkling it was suicide. It was confirmed today. And it hit so damn close to home. See - this guy (who I knew) was going to be a speaker at a Jewish Community Center conference/symposium.  I saw him 3 weeks ago at the Legislative Committee meeting  - and we have another one next Tuesday. So I am thinking...here he committed suicide and had cool things to look forward to. And that hit me. That even if I have things to look forward to - maybe I get to that point where - no matter what - I am just done.

It has been a very emotionally draining day for me. 

I don't know what else to say. Thank you for my family and friends....and please please please - let me always get past my dark moments. I know there are so many thoughts of wanting to be dead...and yet I don't really want to go through it.

See - I have this huge passion for mental health and to talk about it and share my story....but Jeff was the same way. And that is why I have been crying. Because he was just as passionate as I am.

Love Heidi