I have no clue but I am finally feeling better. I actually don't have any of those bazillion needles and pins poking me. My day is much better when that isn't happening. I didn't get much sleep last night. So I hope I am not back to the sleepless nights (or lack of sleep). I am feeling tired at the moment so perhaps will be okay. I always get super nervous and I know probably jump far too quickly and work myself up over the sleep thing. I don't know if I should just let it go tonight or take a Trazadone for sleep. I don't want to get stuck having a sleeping pill all the time either.
I am going to hope that perhaps part of my feeling better physically is because I am taking my Lamictal in the morning and night. I can only "pray" that having two doses a day will help even me out finally.
I did do a family function! I went to Kramarcuk's with the Polish relatives on Saturday night. Mom, Julie and Travis rode with me. There were about 20 of us. And I almost felt like I was back to Heidi - well whatever Heidi is. I think Heidi is changing all the time - still trying to sort out what my stable mood is. Hopefully I will figure it out soon. Anyway, we had lots of laughs - and I mean really good laughs! You know the kind where it comes deep from your belly? Those are the best kind. I know that is supposed to be a super good stress reliever too. So maybe that is why I am feeling better today.
Yesterday I also got pedicures with Julie and Carrie. We haven't done that is awhile - well what I really should say is that I haven't done it in awhile with them. And it felt good. I still feel weird at times and I suppose because these days I am not hanging with the family like I used to. And I don't know really how it's going to be. But I do feel that my family is supporting me in how or what I am going through. And to my family I want to say thanks. I should probably send notes in the mail or something...but while I am thinking of it I wanted to say it now.
I do feel that AA will be a bigger part of my life (at least at the moment). I decided I need to ratch it up a notch (is that a word? ). I really have had a hard time with Kate's death. Her funeral was so nice and such a great tribute to her big heart and her kindness and her positive energy and outlook on life - no matter what. And it was so hard for me. (shit, I am going to start crying again). Anyway, I sat and cried all morning. And I couldn't stop so I came in to work to let them know I was a basket case and just couldn't do it. I had kinda forewarned. I don't know how I could have thought that I would be able to go to her funeral and then be productive at work!
So of course I did some drinking over the week with Kate's death because well you know, it was a good excuse. When for the latter part of 20 years my coping skill has been alcohol, well it's pretty easy to make that choice again. Back to the starting point. What I will say is that I also hit more AA meetings last week. And I think I am getting what AA is about. I think I have said this before but it is about the fellowship. We all have the same story - different but same. And they really rally around you when you are down and out and struggling because they get it. Just like when I am with other people that have depression or bipolar or whatever other mental illness - it is easier for me to understand and get it than someone that doesn't. And hello, that is not rocket science. Though I think I easily forget that it is hard to empathize when one doesn't experience something that another does.
Saturday after Kramarczuk's I went and hung out with my friend Rachel. We were going to watch a movie but ended up just talking and of course talking about AA stuff (because that is how I met her). Anyhoo, she is also a fellow biker chick. So in July there is a big AA gathering in Eau Claire WI so we are going to ride our bikes there (motorcycle). That should be a fun trip.
I also have decided to take a hiatus from school for the rest of the semester. I haven't totally decided if I will go back in the summer or fall. With all my personal stuff going on, I was having a super hard time focusing. And in terms of my goals in life, I need to make sure that my job is up there and that I continue to do well so I can pay bills! My degree that I am working for is really just for me. I don't anticipate getting any raise or anything so if it takes me a bit longer (which it will) that is okay.
Anyway, I finally had a bit of time to catch up with my blogging. And my dear friend Stella, I bought some more of that lip plumping lipstick from Sephora and as I put it on today for church (yes church) I thought of you as my lips were tingly. hahahahaha
And oh yeah, speaking of church. I am feeling pretty committed to this one that I go to in Burnsville. It is called Open Circle and like no other that I have been too. And very liberal. And that is what I need. I told one of the guys there this morning that I am pretty sure I will become a member. I am feeling better about what I am doing right now and where I am at right now...so hopefully I am finally getting on track.
I saw Lisa too yesterday and I don't think I have seen her in about a month. And so between therapy and Martha and AA and church....well it's all gelling at the moment. Definitely more to go and always will be.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Lasagna
Just got done making some lasagna to bring over to Josh's house where Kate's family is gathering. I am going to drop it off in the morning before I go to work. Grocery shopping and cooking are already very hard knowing that I am doing it because Kate is no longer with us. I don't even want to think about the next 48 hours. Especially since you know, I don't like emotions, I don't like crying and I want to ignore everything that I am feeling. I am relying on my AA friends. They are a very good support system. So I decided that I will try it again. The AA way. Out of the blue my AA friend and fellow biker chick called me on Saturday and we met for coffee for about 3 hours. She hadn't even read my FB post about Kate. She was just having a down day and called me up. And then Sam called me that day to see how I was doing because of the FB post. And I still talk to Martha multiple times a day so she knew what had happened. And so with the "rallying of the troops" I have decided that that is enough for me to go back.
I am not saying that family wouldn't rally but the dynamics are far different when it's your friends. And everyone knows that. So don't be shocked or offended. It is what it is. I have stuffed a lot of shit in my life and now at the age of 45 nearly 46 I am going to work on speaking my piece (or peace). And sometimes it may not be pretty to hear - but this is what I need to do to continue on my self and learning how to deal with life in a healthier way.
For instance, when I am depressed or trying to deal with something - the way I deal with it is to be left alone. Which is what I want right now. I am talking with Martha - and working through this - Kate's death. So I am not totally being left alone. But I am communicating the way I prefer. Email. When I want to be alone I don't want to be contacted by my family until I start feeling better. And I know when I need help. Past experience will tell you that. I have many many thoughts of death and for the two times in my life that I felt I was going past the point - I called and admitted myself to the hospital. I am very aware of my body and how I am feeling. If I could get more aware with my mind - then I would be in business. And I know when my meds aren't working or need adjusting. I have been trying to be proactive with depression that I always get. And it is taking energy.
I know I have stressed that a lot lately. The energy it takes for me to just manage. I am going to check into what happens if I drop a class now. I am just so burnt out and drained. The higher classes kill me with homework and I just can't do two of them. This means of course that I won't be graduating in 2012. But so be it. I feel like stuff is starting to slide because I can't keep up with everything that I have to do. Or want to do.
This is going to sound crass, but I want to say it. No one can stop me from death if that is my ultimate choice. I also can't stop the thoughts of sucide that at this point in my life continue to enter my mind. NAMI offers many free classes to anyone that has a family member with a mental illness. If anyone out there would like information I highly recommend checking into these. I haven't gone to a Hope for Recovery class but I have heard they are all good. I have also heard many times that the Family to Family classes are wonderful. Here is information - I do want to check out the Hope for Recovery to hear what they have to say. If I can get out of my Saturday class, I will be able to make the March one in St Paul
http://www.namihelps.org/classes.html
Anyway, so trust me when I say this....if I am not around much the next couple days...it is because I am dealing with a difficult 48 hours. And I don't want to talk to anyone. I am letting the word out now so that no one is shocked when I don't respond.
I am not saying that family wouldn't rally but the dynamics are far different when it's your friends. And everyone knows that. So don't be shocked or offended. It is what it is. I have stuffed a lot of shit in my life and now at the age of 45 nearly 46 I am going to work on speaking my piece (or peace). And sometimes it may not be pretty to hear - but this is what I need to do to continue on my self and learning how to deal with life in a healthier way.
For instance, when I am depressed or trying to deal with something - the way I deal with it is to be left alone. Which is what I want right now. I am talking with Martha - and working through this - Kate's death. So I am not totally being left alone. But I am communicating the way I prefer. Email. When I want to be alone I don't want to be contacted by my family until I start feeling better. And I know when I need help. Past experience will tell you that. I have many many thoughts of death and for the two times in my life that I felt I was going past the point - I called and admitted myself to the hospital. I am very aware of my body and how I am feeling. If I could get more aware with my mind - then I would be in business. And I know when my meds aren't working or need adjusting. I have been trying to be proactive with depression that I always get. And it is taking energy.
I know I have stressed that a lot lately. The energy it takes for me to just manage. I am going to check into what happens if I drop a class now. I am just so burnt out and drained. The higher classes kill me with homework and I just can't do two of them. This means of course that I won't be graduating in 2012. But so be it. I feel like stuff is starting to slide because I can't keep up with everything that I have to do. Or want to do.
This is going to sound crass, but I want to say it. No one can stop me from death if that is my ultimate choice. I also can't stop the thoughts of sucide that at this point in my life continue to enter my mind. NAMI offers many free classes to anyone that has a family member with a mental illness. If anyone out there would like information I highly recommend checking into these. I haven't gone to a Hope for Recovery class but I have heard they are all good. I have also heard many times that the Family to Family classes are wonderful. Here is information - I do want to check out the Hope for Recovery to hear what they have to say. If I can get out of my Saturday class, I will be able to make the March one in St Paul
http://www.namihelps.org/classes.html
Anyway, so trust me when I say this....if I am not around much the next couple days...it is because I am dealing with a difficult 48 hours. And I don't want to talk to anyone. I am letting the word out now so that no one is shocked when I don't respond.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Snow Snow Snow
I have returned from Georgia. It was really awesome to see Travis graduate. Jon and I got to the airport early and an AirTran plane was just leaving for GA. I had stopped in the little gift shop and as I was walking to the gate I saw that a plane was just getting ready to depart in 15 minutes. So I hussled my ass up to the gate and as I walked past Jon I asked if he wanted to try and get this plane if there were seats available. He said yep! So we snagged an earlier flight and we both had better seats. SO that was a total score.
I stayed at a different hotel than Jon and Julie and Don. Julie got one night free with her points. And I wanted to rack up some of my own points. Plus, you know me. I need my down time. I am glad I did get my own hotel room just for that fact. It was nice to have my own place after running around, Anyway, so on Wednesday after I dropped off Jon and made my way to MY hotel - the lady there said I should go to Fort Benning tonight and get my pass to get on Base - otherwise it will be a clusterf*ck if we wait until morning, So I dragged Jon and Julie with me and we got a little lost but finally found the main gate and got our pass. That was awesome info that the hotel desk person passed along,
Thursday I got up and since I had rented a Jeep SUV we all decided to take my vehicle. Actually (this was another perk) - I had rented a Ford Fusion on Budget's website but when I got there they only had a Hyundai Sonata. On their website I could have the Hyundai or Ford to pick from (I had picked the Ford). When I was out East in January I had rented a Sonata and it was the biggest piece of crap. NY roads are crappy anyway so I suppose a crappy car on crappy roads is wellll gonna be crappy. Anyway, so I actually spoke my mind. I said to the Budget girl....But I asked for a Fusion online because it gave me the option to pick. And I said (well whined really)...I hate Sonatas.....they are sooo crappy. I just had one in NY and it was the worst. So the girl said well I can give you a Ford Escape (that is an SUV right) or Jeep. Well then the only option I had was the Jeep because the Escape wasn't available. SOOO she gave me the Jeep for the same price as the Sonata and since I had used my corporate code to rent the vehicle...that also meant that Jon could drive for free also. Karma was with us. Earlier flight, better seats, better car and even earlier flight on the way home with better seats! Travis, Jon and I all snagged the same Airtran flight home.
Thursday was Family Day so we were on base by 8am. As we were walking up to the building I heard Heidi! Up Here and then an arm waving out the window! Yep, that be my Travis! There were things to buy of course....I got a mug, professional pix of Travis, DVD and I think that is all I got there. We were in a room for about an hour getting "debriefed' by the Army. Basically the commanders told us what the guys had just gone through, etc. Then we all walked outside to an area for the "ribbon" ceremony. Since Jon was in the first Gulf War and was also Infantry - Travis asked Jon to "pin" him. It was really cool. I kinda felt bad for the kid next to him because he had to just stand there at attention until one of the sergeants or whatever came to pin his ribbon. He did tell me that his family was coming later that day though,. I snapped a picture of him with my phone and sent it to his phone (at least I am assuming it was his phone number). After the ceremony Travis was ours for the day until his 7pm curfew. Travis wanted us to go to the Infantry Museum. It was super super cool. It was built just a few years ago with 110 million dollars of private funds. If anyone is ever in the area, it is a Must Stop in my opinion. It really puts into perspective what our Infantry goes through.
After the Museum we drove over into the Alabama State Line. My goal is to hit all 50 states and I thought I had 5 left...Utah, New Mexico, Michigan, Hawaii and Alaska....and then when I was in Georgia I wondered if I had actually been to Alabama or driven through it. Well, to make sure I could check that off the list I wanted to drive to the line - and Julie and Don did too and Jon and Travis didn't care. After the Alabama run (which only took 15 minutes) we went to the River Walk. It was nice but nothing going on. Maybe in the summer there are street vendors. etc. The Riverwalk runs along the Chattahoochie river (or however you spell it). After walking around there a bit we dropped Don off at the hotel and then went to eat at Ben's Chop and Steak House. It was good! I just had a salad with some steak tips on it because I didn't want to spend 25 bucks on a meal and not eat most of it. Julie, Jon and Travis all loved their food.
Then it was back to Base with Travis and then dropping everyone else off and I went to bed early because I hadn't been sleeping much.
The graduation ceremony was out behind the Infantry Museum. They have a huge field that has turf from all areas of wars that have been fought...like Iraq, Korea, etc It was cool. Thy also have a covered bleacher area for us to sit in and watch. The ceremony had an Army band, gunshots from machine guns and some other big gun type thing. And of course a speaker. Then the guys all walked in front of us. Then we got about 5 minutes with Travis after the ceremony before they bussed him up to Atlanta for his plane ride home.
I am really glad I went.
I got up early Saturday morning because I couldn't sleep and decided I should do some facebook catching up. I got sick to my stomach when I read my friend Janelle's post. Her mom died on Thursday. Unexpected heart attack. I know Janelle because she is Kate's daughter. Kate and I were close friends. I met her here in the Twin Cities. Then I moved to CT and she ended up moving to NJ for a few years. Then she moved back here to be closer to her kids. I don't remember when she moved back here. Maybe about the same time as me? Anyway, she had the biggest heart of gold. I am still in shock. She was supposed to come over this Thursday and do some painting for me. Well that is all I have.
I stayed at a different hotel than Jon and Julie and Don. Julie got one night free with her points. And I wanted to rack up some of my own points. Plus, you know me. I need my down time. I am glad I did get my own hotel room just for that fact. It was nice to have my own place after running around, Anyway, so on Wednesday after I dropped off Jon and made my way to MY hotel - the lady there said I should go to Fort Benning tonight and get my pass to get on Base - otherwise it will be a clusterf*ck if we wait until morning, So I dragged Jon and Julie with me and we got a little lost but finally found the main gate and got our pass. That was awesome info that the hotel desk person passed along,
Thursday I got up and since I had rented a Jeep SUV we all decided to take my vehicle. Actually (this was another perk) - I had rented a Ford Fusion on Budget's website but when I got there they only had a Hyundai Sonata. On their website I could have the Hyundai or Ford to pick from (I had picked the Ford). When I was out East in January I had rented a Sonata and it was the biggest piece of crap. NY roads are crappy anyway so I suppose a crappy car on crappy roads is wellll gonna be crappy. Anyway, so I actually spoke my mind. I said to the Budget girl....But I asked for a Fusion online because it gave me the option to pick. And I said (well whined really)...I hate Sonatas.....they are sooo crappy. I just had one in NY and it was the worst. So the girl said well I can give you a Ford Escape (that is an SUV right) or Jeep. Well then the only option I had was the Jeep because the Escape wasn't available. SOOO she gave me the Jeep for the same price as the Sonata and since I had used my corporate code to rent the vehicle...that also meant that Jon could drive for free also. Karma was with us. Earlier flight, better seats, better car and even earlier flight on the way home with better seats! Travis, Jon and I all snagged the same Airtran flight home.
Thursday was Family Day so we were on base by 8am. As we were walking up to the building I heard Heidi! Up Here and then an arm waving out the window! Yep, that be my Travis! There were things to buy of course....I got a mug, professional pix of Travis, DVD and I think that is all I got there. We were in a room for about an hour getting "debriefed' by the Army. Basically the commanders told us what the guys had just gone through, etc. Then we all walked outside to an area for the "ribbon" ceremony. Since Jon was in the first Gulf War and was also Infantry - Travis asked Jon to "pin" him. It was really cool. I kinda felt bad for the kid next to him because he had to just stand there at attention until one of the sergeants or whatever came to pin his ribbon. He did tell me that his family was coming later that day though,. I snapped a picture of him with my phone and sent it to his phone (at least I am assuming it was his phone number). After the ceremony Travis was ours for the day until his 7pm curfew. Travis wanted us to go to the Infantry Museum. It was super super cool. It was built just a few years ago with 110 million dollars of private funds. If anyone is ever in the area, it is a Must Stop in my opinion. It really puts into perspective what our Infantry goes through.
After the Museum we drove over into the Alabama State Line. My goal is to hit all 50 states and I thought I had 5 left...Utah, New Mexico, Michigan, Hawaii and Alaska....and then when I was in Georgia I wondered if I had actually been to Alabama or driven through it. Well, to make sure I could check that off the list I wanted to drive to the line - and Julie and Don did too and Jon and Travis didn't care. After the Alabama run (which only took 15 minutes) we went to the River Walk. It was nice but nothing going on. Maybe in the summer there are street vendors. etc. The Riverwalk runs along the Chattahoochie river (or however you spell it). After walking around there a bit we dropped Don off at the hotel and then went to eat at Ben's Chop and Steak House. It was good! I just had a salad with some steak tips on it because I didn't want to spend 25 bucks on a meal and not eat most of it. Julie, Jon and Travis all loved their food.
Then it was back to Base with Travis and then dropping everyone else off and I went to bed early because I hadn't been sleeping much.
The graduation ceremony was out behind the Infantry Museum. They have a huge field that has turf from all areas of wars that have been fought...like Iraq, Korea, etc It was cool. Thy also have a covered bleacher area for us to sit in and watch. The ceremony had an Army band, gunshots from machine guns and some other big gun type thing. And of course a speaker. Then the guys all walked in front of us. Then we got about 5 minutes with Travis after the ceremony before they bussed him up to Atlanta for his plane ride home.
I am really glad I went.
I got up early Saturday morning because I couldn't sleep and decided I should do some facebook catching up. I got sick to my stomach when I read my friend Janelle's post. Her mom died on Thursday. Unexpected heart attack. I know Janelle because she is Kate's daughter. Kate and I were close friends. I met her here in the Twin Cities. Then I moved to CT and she ended up moving to NJ for a few years. Then she moved back here to be closer to her kids. I don't remember when she moved back here. Maybe about the same time as me? Anyway, she had the biggest heart of gold. I am still in shock. She was supposed to come over this Thursday and do some painting for me. Well that is all I have.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Blah!
I will be very ready - if only for 48 hours - to leave Minnesota and kinda pretend that I have no commitments to anything. In less than 24 hours I will be on a plane to Atlanta and then take a 90 minute drive down to Columbus GA where Fort Benning is - and where Travis will graduate. Travis called mom last night and told her that it is in the 70s - I hope I can find some shorts. Or perhaps I will have to shop when I get there :-)
Today was the big photo shoot day. It was LOTS of fun. I felt like a star for 3 hours!
The makeup and hair artist (Renee who is local) came about 8:20 and did my makeup. She said my hair was already awesome and asked if I wanted more product or anything in my hair. I said yeah. She also said that I have beautiful skin and eyelashes. Which was nice to hear because you know, people don't usually tell you if you are nice looking or give too many complements. I am guilty of it myself.
The photographer David had an assistant Simon. Simon the Assistant had called to say they were running a few minutes late. Cracked me up (that there was an assistant) but David did need him! I bet there were about 200 pix .Pix were taken of me sitting on the couch and then at the kitchen table with a cup of tea. It was a lot of fun. They asked if I was having fun. I said, "Oh yeah, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity!" They laughed and said they forget what a big deal it is for people because they do it all the time. I had 3 "wardrobe" changes. They also asked if I wanted a pic of me and Gertie. Which I would have loved BUT I didn't want to have pictures of me with white cat hair! :-)
They left about 11:45. All 3 even gave me a hug good bye so I guess they felt comfortable. Mom stopped by also to check out the excitement.
David (the photographer) said that he had already seen a rough draft of the article and really liked it. So I am anxious to see it!
NAMI's Spring Gala is coming up on April 30. Renee (the makeup artist) just lost a friend to suicide 2 weeks ago that had bipolar disorder. So she is all too familiar with mental illness herself. She said she had just heard about NAMI. I did get her contact information so I mayyyy see if she would perhaps offer her makeup and hair services as a silent auction item. It would be so fun to get your makeup done by a professional for a special night out!
I asked David if I could see the pictures and buy some from him when he is done. He said that Women's Day has rights to them until 3 months after the article comes out. But to email him at that point and he will email some to me. I think even for free.
David also said that my place was nowhere near to some of the small NY places they have done shots in. In fact, Simon the assistant said he would KILL for a place as big as mine. Sooooo, I guess it is all relative! :-)
The other thing that was cool about David is that he is actually married - he has a husband! And they adopted a baby boy not too long ago. I love hearing that!
Anyway, I better get back to work but figured I better update about today! The photography equipment is very cool to check out. Gertie loved looking at the lights!
Today was the big photo shoot day. It was LOTS of fun. I felt like a star for 3 hours!
The makeup and hair artist (Renee who is local) came about 8:20 and did my makeup. She said my hair was already awesome and asked if I wanted more product or anything in my hair. I said yeah. She also said that I have beautiful skin and eyelashes. Which was nice to hear because you know, people don't usually tell you if you are nice looking or give too many complements. I am guilty of it myself.
The photographer David had an assistant Simon. Simon the Assistant had called to say they were running a few minutes late. Cracked me up (that there was an assistant) but David did need him! I bet there were about 200 pix .Pix were taken of me sitting on the couch and then at the kitchen table with a cup of tea. It was a lot of fun. They asked if I was having fun. I said, "Oh yeah, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity!" They laughed and said they forget what a big deal it is for people because they do it all the time. I had 3 "wardrobe" changes. They also asked if I wanted a pic of me and Gertie. Which I would have loved BUT I didn't want to have pictures of me with white cat hair! :-)
They left about 11:45. All 3 even gave me a hug good bye so I guess they felt comfortable. Mom stopped by also to check out the excitement.
David (the photographer) said that he had already seen a rough draft of the article and really liked it. So I am anxious to see it!
NAMI's Spring Gala is coming up on April 30. Renee (the makeup artist) just lost a friend to suicide 2 weeks ago that had bipolar disorder. So she is all too familiar with mental illness herself. She said she had just heard about NAMI. I did get her contact information so I mayyyy see if she would perhaps offer her makeup and hair services as a silent auction item. It would be so fun to get your makeup done by a professional for a special night out!
I asked David if I could see the pictures and buy some from him when he is done. He said that Women's Day has rights to them until 3 months after the article comes out. But to email him at that point and he will email some to me. I think even for free.
David also said that my place was nowhere near to some of the small NY places they have done shots in. In fact, Simon the assistant said he would KILL for a place as big as mine. Sooooo, I guess it is all relative! :-)
The other thing that was cool about David is that he is actually married - he has a husband! And they adopted a baby boy not too long ago. I love hearing that!
Anyway, I better get back to work but figured I better update about today! The photography equipment is very cool to check out. Gertie loved looking at the lights!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Photo Shoot, Fort Benning GA, etc
So the carpet stretching did turn out really nice. I am glad I did it. Gertie kept tugging at where the carpet was coming up from the transition strip and now she can't do that.
Wednesday I am working a half day and going to Columbus GA to see Travis graduate from Basic Training. It is a short and sweet trip but I am glad I got the ticket to go. I probably wouldn't have because I have really been struggling for a bit with my mood. And I just didn't feel that I had the energy to go. I am up and down up and down. Driving me batty. Now that the time is here, I am really looking forward to it. Julie, Don and Jon are also going. Travis sent a letter to Julie stating that he understands if people can't go but that he was really wishing that Jon and I would go in addition to his mom and dad. This is the email that Julie sent me. -
So I am glad he sent that to Julie because I decided I just need to do this for Travis. He turned his life around in a huge way.
Tuesday morning at 8:30 a hair and makeup person is supposed to be at my place to "glamorize" me for the photo shoot. David Land is the photographer.http://www.davidaland.com/
David emailed me and said that he is coming to Minneapolis Monday night and will be at my place on Tuesday at 9:30. I guess I am not restricted to just wearing a white shirt. In addition I told him I had a 1 bedroom condo and wondered how that would work out. Here are his answers.
Nope. Maybe have a few options for clothing ready.
I am sure that if he has taken pictures in any NY apartments he is definitely used to tight spaces.
I have a ton of things going on between now and Wed and will also need to study for accounting so that on Saturday I am prepared. If that can even happen. The problems we have for accounting are sooo damn time consuming and take 8 million steps to complete. I don't know how I am going to accomplish this damn class. I am thinking about perhaps just cutting down to one class a semester and screwing the 2012 timeline. I kinda just want to be done but I also get so stressed out. These are higher classes - level 200, 300 and 400 and so they are MUCH more time consuming. And I just don't know if I have the energy anymore to keep doing it at this pace.
My friend MJ from NAMI asked if I would do another speaking engagement. This time in front of students at South High School in Minneapolis - here are the emails (adding the string of them). My answers are in italics.
Hi there,
What is the Silver Ribbon Group?
The SRC is a group at South High that was started a few years ago by a couple students who wanted there to be more understanding of mental illness.....both girls had family members with a diagnosis. Over the years the group has really grown so that now any where from 40-85 students attend. It has become both an educational and a loose support group. My role is mostly just to be a resource.
Wednesday I am working a half day and going to Columbus GA to see Travis graduate from Basic Training. It is a short and sweet trip but I am glad I got the ticket to go. I probably wouldn't have because I have really been struggling for a bit with my mood. And I just didn't feel that I had the energy to go. I am up and down up and down. Driving me batty. Now that the time is here, I am really looking forward to it. Julie, Don and Jon are also going. Travis sent a letter to Julie stating that he understands if people can't go but that he was really wishing that Jon and I would go in addition to his mom and dad. This is the email that Julie sent me. -
From his letter “ You should tell grampa Carl when graduation is maybe he will come and you should tell Heidi I really want her to come if she can and I’m sure Jon can’t so never mind but it would be nice and mean the world because he’s what influenced me to join the army and do what every person and pogue (people other than grunts)wishes they could do and make it through the roughest job in the army’s training and become a lean mean Infantry Man!! Aka killing machine lol. But tell Jon I really want him to come but the baby and shit so it is what it is”
So I am glad he sent that to Julie because I decided I just need to do this for Travis. He turned his life around in a huge way.
Tuesday morning at 8:30 a hair and makeup person is supposed to be at my place to "glamorize" me for the photo shoot. David Land is the photographer.http://www.davidaland.com/
David emailed me and said that he is coming to Minneapolis Monday night and will be at my place on Tuesday at 9:30. I guess I am not restricted to just wearing a white shirt. In addition I told him I had a 1 bedroom condo and wondered how that would work out. Here are his answers.
Nope. Maybe have a few options for clothing ready.
We're used to working in tight spaces, so I'm sure it'll be no problem!
Thanks,
David
I am sure that if he has taken pictures in any NY apartments he is definitely used to tight spaces.
I have a ton of things going on between now and Wed and will also need to study for accounting so that on Saturday I am prepared. If that can even happen. The problems we have for accounting are sooo damn time consuming and take 8 million steps to complete. I don't know how I am going to accomplish this damn class. I am thinking about perhaps just cutting down to one class a semester and screwing the 2012 timeline. I kinda just want to be done but I also get so stressed out. These are higher classes - level 200, 300 and 400 and so they are MUCH more time consuming. And I just don't know if I have the energy anymore to keep doing it at this pace.
My friend MJ from NAMI asked if I would do another speaking engagement. This time in front of students at South High School in Minneapolis - here are the emails (adding the string of them). My answers are in italics.
Hi there,
Did I ever tell you about the Silver Ribbon group at South High? Any chance you would like to speak to the group about dual diagnosis?
MJ
Hey there Heidi,
One of the topics they would like to hear about is dual diagnosis and you came to mind......mostly because with your supreme hipness you would relate so well to these high school kids and would also be someone they would feel easy about asking questions. As luck would have it, I suggested you to Eva (the social worker who is the teacher advisor......but the group is student led) and the next day she sent me an email saying she just had a girl come in to her office who was concerned about her mother who has a mental illness and an alcohol addiction! That can only mean one thing.......the gods and goddesses, not to mention good juju, are all in favor of you talking to these kids!
Time wise......there are different dates and times that are available........hopefully one would work for you.
MJ
| Hey MJ...now that I am back on my computer instead of my phone. Seeeee, this is the thing. I would love the opportunity but I am not sure exactly where I am. As in, I dropped Treatment and I dropped AA. That doesn't mean I am drinking. It's just that neither of those things were a fit for me. Every story I heard that was shared were people in dire straits, no place to live - or in AA they seemed like all such miserable fucks in their drinking days (which I also think for some still carries over into their sober days) that I just don't see eye to eye on that either. What I will say is that my tossing of myself into the wolves really put things into perspective for me,. As in I need to sit with my shitty emotions and accept them - whether I like them or not. And I need to do this with a clear mind - not one that has alcohol. So, if you want someone to talk about not drinking to hide emotions from your mental illness, I can do that. I just don't know if that is something you want. I haven't really been diagnosed as dual diagnosis. I just kinda threw myself into the whole thing of treatment etc because I had called a SOBER friend one night when I was literally crying in my wine. He gave me the whole tough love spiel. Since then I have really had a lot of epiphanies about myself. Mostly in terms of my hiding from emotions...my drinking to help (well you know what I mean) with my depression and drinking when I am manic because I don't give two shits about anything and I just want to have what I THINK is fun. So where am I going with all this? I lost my train of thought. Anyway, I would seriously love to help you out and am more than willing to do so. I just don't know if I am fitting what you are looking for. I am not drinking....but at this point I am using my therapy and my friend - who was my sponsor but since I stopped AA - well we are friends and I do still talk to her about my drinking thoughts, etc but that is on a friend level. Does that make sense? The whole AA thing was tooo welll, I don't know. I still may continue meetings for awhile until I know 100% but at this point, I am 98% sure that the AA model isn't a fit for me. Love Heidi |
Hi back,
I just sent you an email too before I got this one. I don't think the AA model works for everyone, also you have a good insight into your use which would be helpful for these kids to hear. Let's talk.
MJ
So on March 30 I am going to talk to the kids. I am really looking forward to it. All of this NAMI involvement keeps getting better for me. As in, I started volunteering to pay it forward and I am having a great time doing it.
The NAMI Spring Gala is April 30 and I think I am going to pay this time and partake in the festivities instead of volunteering. It has been almost a year ago since I was the speaker for the Spring Gala and spoke in front of about 250 people with my legs shaking furiously behind the podium but my voice remained calm. Apparently though the speech was really a hit. People are still talking about it which is cool. In fact, Thursday I went to the Capitol to get some Mental Health facts out to the new Senators on the Health and Human Services Committe and Sue Hanson who is the Legislative Committe leader was there. ANYHOO, I asked her if she knew who the band was this year for the Spring Gala. She wasn't sure but then started talking about what a great job I did last year. And how her husband (who is a Speech Communications professor at the U) even thought I did a great job. Pretty cool for a total novice! I wish now that I would have urged my family members to go more. I just didn't really think about it at the time. If I ever get another opportunity with something like that, I am going to push it more.
I finally did go back to the Treatment place and let them know I was done. Amanda had already assumed I was since I didn't make it back after CT. I just told her that I hadn't had time until now and I didn't know what I did with her number (once again). She said she had discharged just last week. But will edit the discharge papers stating that I came in and that under advisement she is discharging me with staff approval. Which I like as opposed to without staff approval (which was an option for people that probably shouldn't stop treatment). Amanda said that I am doing the things I need to do. She also said that if at any time I need to stop in and talk - to swing by. They are working on starting up an "alumni" group also. If it works with my schedule I may check it out. Otherwise, I am doing okay at the moment. I still call Martha when I need help. Friday night was bad. Wanting to have some cocktails because I was feeling shitty but then it actually ended up that all I could think about was suicide and not being around - and less about drinking. I hate when I feel like that. I continue to have frequent thoughts of suicide which is getting tiring. And saps the energy from me. I am exhausted after feeling like that for a few days. AND I must differentiate for you that don't have suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. Thinking about it does NOT mean I am doing it. Thinking about it does NOT mean I have a plan. It is just thinking.
I was going through all my health care bills for 2010 and realized that it has just about been a year to the date that I hospitalized myself because the suicide thoughts were more than thoughts...and that I had a plan. When it gets to that point, then I know I need help. Usually a break from the world and a med adjustment gets me back on track. Usually I am able to keep in tune with my body and know when things aren't working right. I must not have stayed "caught up" last year. This year I have tried to stay in the forefront. I am doing some tanning, already did a med change because I didn't feel that Cymbalta was working anymore and just working hard to try and stay ahead of the game. Remember where I have talked frequently about the energy I need to just try and stay stable? Well this is what I am talking about. And yet it is still tough. I continue to have a lot of ups and downs up and downs...and I would just like to find a middle ground if I can. I mean, I think I can. Its just a matter of me working with my doctors. That is why I continue therapy.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am seeing him more these days because I am still not sure the meds are right. I think I am going to see what he thinks of taking a morning med and an evening med. Since the gastric bypass I know that I process things a different way so maybe this is how I need to do it. Then I will really have to work on remembering the medication. At night I can forget easily so I will have to figure out what works for me. And on that note, I will end for now.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Woman's Day Photo Shoot
I will be having my photo shoot next Tuesday in the morning. The photographer is David Land and his adderss shows NY but I saw somewhere (must be his website) that he is from Fairfield CT which is the next town over to Bridgeport. Or maybe that is where he grew up? Anyway, here is is website. http://www.davidaland.com/ I liked looking at his 2010 photos.
He will be flying in from Chicago so not sure if that will be the night before or that morning. I told them I would need to leave by 12:30 for work so a 9 or 10 am start time would be good.
This is the note that was in my email today -
Hi Heidi,
I am working with Stephanie Kim at Women's Day and we are happy to let you
know that we have a photographer, David Land, who will be heading out to
shoot you on February 15th. Could you please let me know your address and
what time of the day works best for you?
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Anyway, that is about all I have to say today. I am actually kinda tired and sooo ready to go home and go to bed. Especially when it's been as dang cold as it is.
Oh and Russ the Handyman (actually it's Russ' Home Repair Service) who is a friend of mine that lives in my building hooked me up with a carpet guy. Even though I replaced my carpet a couple years ago, it was coming away from the transition strip in the living room. The carpet guy Jeff said the installer had laid the carpet the wrong way and also if I hadn't gotten it stretched it would have frayed. So I am glad I did it. And the guy gave me a deal since he knows Russ AND the carpet guy Jeff also lives in my building. So if anyone needs carpet repair or installed, I have the man for ya. Russ helped him out (which I am sure is why Jeff the carpet guy gave me a break) and even though I haven't seen it yet since they did it today while I was at work - Russ said he did a great job and that he is very detail oriented.
Anyhoo, enough rambling for now.
He will be flying in from Chicago so not sure if that will be the night before or that morning. I told them I would need to leave by 12:30 for work so a 9 or 10 am start time would be good.
This is the note that was in my email today -
Hi Heidi,
I am working with Stephanie Kim at Women's Day and we are happy to let you
know that we have a photographer, David Land, who will be heading out to
shoot you on February 15th. Could you please let me know your address and
what time of the day works best for you?
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Anyway, that is about all I have to say today. I am actually kinda tired and sooo ready to go home and go to bed. Especially when it's been as dang cold as it is.
Oh and Russ the Handyman (actually it's Russ' Home Repair Service) who is a friend of mine that lives in my building hooked me up with a carpet guy. Even though I replaced my carpet a couple years ago, it was coming away from the transition strip in the living room. The carpet guy Jeff said the installer had laid the carpet the wrong way and also if I hadn't gotten it stretched it would have frayed. So I am glad I did it. And the guy gave me a deal since he knows Russ AND the carpet guy Jeff also lives in my building. So if anyone needs carpet repair or installed, I have the man for ya. Russ helped him out (which I am sure is why Jeff the carpet guy gave me a break) and even though I haven't seen it yet since they did it today while I was at work - Russ said he did a great job and that he is very detail oriented.
Anyhoo, enough rambling for now.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Scrutiny
I haven't really thought about this word that much. I have always preferred to say critical or judgemental (no shit right? I know I know). I have been awake since about 3, trying to go back to sleep. I should have opened up a book but then what if I DIDN'T fall asleep? So either way I guess sleep was not to be.
So then I think of course. Because what else is there to do? Scrutiny came to mind. Perhaps that is my Word of the Day. And when I think about the realm of things in my life, scrutiny by others is something I feel on a pretty frequent basis. Am I eating right, am I drinking right, am I wearing the right clothes, am I wearing make-up, etc etc. And I know I am JUST as guilty of doing this to others so I am not saying I am an different. Well, other than I HOPE I am working to be better and do less scrutinizing, less judging, etc. Lawddd don't I know it's hard.
And my feeling scrutinizedby others comes back to another recent lightbulb moment. Back to the " I am not Powerless, I gave my Power away". What that means to me is that in so many aspects of my life I have "given my power away". I have let people affect me. And I now know that I do have control over that. Control over my OWN thoughts and feelings. I cannot change how people react to me...I can only change my reactions. Damn, now that serenity prayer is going in my head..." to accept the things I cannot change".
The question for me now is...how in the HECK am I going to do this? I think too that I am working on that perfection piece for Heidi (where is that lightbulb icon when I need it). And there is no way I will be perfect because we are all human. I think in the back of my mind that as I continue on this personal growth that some day I will just know how to react to everything in the "not as much of a mind*uck way". Ha, well that would be nice. Guess I will just opt for perhaps more knowledge and understanding of me.
So then I think of course. Because what else is there to do? Scrutiny came to mind. Perhaps that is my Word of the Day. And when I think about the realm of things in my life, scrutiny by others is something I feel on a pretty frequent basis. Am I eating right, am I drinking right, am I wearing the right clothes, am I wearing make-up, etc etc. And I know I am JUST as guilty of doing this to others so I am not saying I am an different. Well, other than I HOPE I am working to be better and do less scrutinizing, less judging, etc. Lawddd don't I know it's hard.
And my feeling scrutinizedby others comes back to another recent lightbulb moment. Back to the " I am not Powerless, I gave my Power away". What that means to me is that in so many aspects of my life I have "given my power away". I have let people affect me. And I now know that I do have control over that. Control over my OWN thoughts and feelings. I cannot change how people react to me...I can only change my reactions. Damn, now that serenity prayer is going in my head..." to accept the things I cannot change".
The question for me now is...how in the HECK am I going to do this? I think too that I am working on that perfection piece for Heidi (where is that lightbulb icon when I need it). And there is no way I will be perfect because we are all human. I think in the back of my mind that as I continue on this personal growth that some day I will just know how to react to everything in the "not as much of a mind*uck way". Ha, well that would be nice. Guess I will just opt for perhaps more knowledge and understanding of me.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Like seriously?
Gawd do I hate feeling up and down. I get that that is life and what everyone goes through but that doesn't mean that I still don't like it. I am kind of in a fuck it mode. I kinda feel like I don't really give two shits about what anyone thinks. And I want to just stay away from everyone. I am sick of people at the moment. This has been coming on for awhile. I am working to figure out a way in dealing with this. Looking at my DBT skills and I wish I had my book with me so that I could refresh my brain in more detail.
Now I think everyone pretty much knows I love my job but people have been pissing me off lately. That is only one indication of how I know that something isn't sitting right. When I am having a good day, yes I want to do stuff and talk to people. When I am having a bad day I do not want to talk to anyone. And so I want to let all of you know this. Because if I don't want to talk to you, it's because I don't. And it has nothing to do with anyone. It has to do with me. I don't always know why I feel pissy, until days or weeks later. So (because I am pissy now) don't ask me.
In the past 24 hours, I have had some things come to light that is now sitting in my chest like a ball of shit. Which I know I have often shared. I hate that feeling. I hate it hate hate it. And this is one way stuff like this (the coming to light) upsets me...I was going to do my taxes today and I thought my mortgage statements were online but I don't see them. I also thought I had all my paper stuff for taxes in my book bag and they aren't in there and I can't remember where I put them. And so what do I want to do? I want to cry. In fact I am at the edge. I know it's really not about the tax stuff, it's just that it is one more thing that just didn't work out today. And I am feeling a bit overwhelmed once again with school. I am trying to work hard on just focusing on today and not think about school but that is often hard for me to do. UGH I hate this. I have the needles poking at me again. And I also know that part of this is just from being tired. I was actually just acknowledging the fact yesterday that wow, I have been pretty good for a little over a week now. Pretty stable. No massive ups and downs. And now I am feeling down. This probably isn't part of the bipolar symptoms since lately I have been able to pull out of my moods faster. It is still not fun for me to deal with. I know that no one wants shitty moods. I know I am not the only one that has them. And I know that I have always kept thinking that eternal happiness was somewhere around the corner. And it's not. Lots of things like this - my epiphanies - finally. So now I have to learn how to manage them too. Manage just the day to day things that happen and then manage when my bipolar is acting up and trying to determine at what stage I am in (stable or bipolar symptoms). Pretty much my bipolar is acting up when my moods are hanging around. Lisa helped me get to that understanding. But that also means that I kinda need to spend energy also on realizing when the moods have been hanging around for too long.
I have tried to focus this winter on avoiding the major depression I get. So far I have been successful. Tanning, trying to stay social, etc. Trying to live in the moment more and not think ahead into how much winter we may have left. And I can finally see that spring will be here with the longer daylight hours. Once again - energy expended on trying to make sure that I don't get into the deep depression or even suicidal stage. I haven't been thinking so much about suicide. Tho last night as I was driving home the thoughts were creeping in once again. So I drove and thought about what good things are in my life. And also thought about the fact that I was exhausted and that I really need to keep sleep and healthy living as a priority in my life. I did want to just keep on driving and driving with no destination in mind. But I was too damn tired.
I also know that as I want to tell people over and over that their shit is their shit and my shit is my shit...it is hard to remember that myself when I get affected by other people. Mom once said to me that I take on other people's emotions too much. She is right and I have known that a long long time. Doesn't mean it makes it any easier with my awareness.
My blog is my journal and so this IS all about me. And I am not making any assumptions or even thinking about what other people in life think in general. A couple people have asked me if I thought no one else had bad days. Well, I don't really think about how others feel the same way. I only think about the fact that at times life make me feel uber uncomfortable.
So, I blog because it feels good for me. And it usually helps me get out of my head of crap, or at least partially. I guess that would be a DBT skill . Because I am focused on this moment. (Yeah I do I know I am rambling in a disorderly way.)
As I am continuing my journey and life and continue to work on stuff in therapy...well people change. I mean, that is why I am in therapy. So I can make better choices and changes in my life. And as I am becoming stronger in my self-actualization - I am starting to just say what I want to say and do what I want to do. I am not always successful nor probably will I ever be 100% successful. This is what is happening to me. I am feeling stronger, I am feeling more comfort with myself...finally. So if I don't want to spend time with anyone, or don't want to commit, or don't want to plan too far in advance, or don't want to organize or whatever it is - well this is me doing what is working for me at the moment. Life is ever evolving. That is my plan. I know that as each decade is passing for me it continues to get better and better. And perhaps when I am 90 I will be at the point where I just let stuff go and roll of my back and will finally have grips with my emotions.
And maybe Mayo will finally find the gene that is the culprit for bipolar. Did I say that I am participating in a study for that? Because they are supposed to be close to finding the gene for bipolar and I have also heard for schizophrenia. That will be so awesome to show the skeptics who don't believe mental illness is really an illness.
I have had some family members in the past couple months or so share their thoughts with me about how I have been lately. Distant, etc. And I am not saying that they shouldn't have done so. I am glad they did. Because if I want to be able to express my thoughts as I want (so I am not continuing to bury them) why would I think any different of anyone else? And I would be such a hypocrite. Same thing with actions. I can only deal with my actions, no one else's - and that is a two way street even if I don't like. Everyone needs to do that they need to do for themselves.And I get that is so very hard to do at times. Anyway, back to the others expressing their thoughts. I have no answers about why I think the way I think or whatever. It is what it is. But that is also the reason why I went through DBT and have been committed to therapy. Because I am learning about having gray thinking and not black and white. Which is so ironic because I have always thought I had gray thinking. And maybe when it comes to others, but boy, I am very black and white thinking with myself. And working on rectifying that as much as I am able to.
Like, now that I decided I don't want to be part of AA...I feel wellll, like all of a sudden I am not good enough for the AA people. I haven't quite decided what to do in terms of telling the ones I am closer to or not. Well I did tell Martha since she is my sponsor. So this also means she is not my sponsor anymore since I am not part of AA. So I found this out last night and then also other discussions with others that ensued. And I feel like I am rejected by people because I am not doing things the way they want me to do them. AGAIN! Each of those people are doing what they need to do for themselves. Hence this is my dilemma because I am hurt and feeling rejected and yet they need to do what works for them just as I need to do what works for me. So I have to keep telling myself this. That they are doing what they need to do and that it isn't about me because however any of us ever reacts is really never about the other person, it's about yourself.
So I have opted out of AA because it was just not a fit for me. I decided that Friday night. And I am guessing my family isn't going to like that. And I really don't care. I also dropped treatment. And I don't care what anyone thinks about that. I made these choices. I know what I need or don't need. I tend to be a person that often just jumps ahead into shit without really taking a step back and looking at things. Jumping into treatment and AA and trying to fix all my moods at once - well that is delusional on my part! :-) I am not discounting alcoholism as a disease at all because I know it is. I have just never been sure that I have had it. What I have come to realize in the past few months - as in I really get this now - is that I soooo hid from my emotions and my never-ending ups and downs that Hell yeah that was way easier. It has taken me 11 years of therapy to really get to this point. And I am going to say the work has at times been pretty intense. And that is also why I have stuck through all of the therapy.
Trying to appear that nothing is going on with me is sometimes a very un-daunting task. Well and maybe I shouldn't say the words nothing, but what I mean is trying to not display my pissiness - though I am usually not too successful with my family in that area. I am sure it is an un-daunting task for anyone. Once again though, this is another epiphany for me that has been recent. And so I am really in the midst of learning about life now. And I can feel myself finally making sense out of a lot of things. Still I have more. Well and not that I ever will know everything. See, I am back to the finish line thinking...I was just going to say that at some point I hope that it will just all make sense. This is the constant thinking and re-framing that I do in my mind. So yeah, overwhelmed.
Lots of things I still need to accept in life. And I wish I could just have someone snap their fingers and the acceptance would be there. Snap Snap.
I did go to church today to check it out. It is the one that Martha goes to because it is very open and accepts all people and is wayyy more easy going than any other church I have been to. It is a lot of singing and the hmmm, I am not even sure how to refer to him. Well his name is Jay. He had a pretty awesome message about Science vs Religion and that they need to work together. We don't have to agree with the message, but is makes one think. I like that. It's not about following some doctrine blindly. I am not saying that following a doctrinal foundation church is "bad" - I am just saying that is not the way I want to figure out my spirituality. Whatever that may be, if I even care down the road. There was even a point in the service where there was quiet time for meditation. That was cool.
I then went to a little meeting afterward to learn more about the church. The one thing that I really liked is that the dude said that instead of having a We vs Them mantra, it needs to be just We...collectively. And that is not even about religion for me. We vs Them could be about any aspect in our lives. Work, Play, Home, School, etc. I mean heck, everything. Advocacy vs the Government, The People vs the Government, United States vs China...and the list goes on. Seems to me like most everything in life is a We vs Them. Don't ask me how to rectify any of that. I have no thoughts. All I know is that I am going to try to work on my own We vs Them mentality.
Anyway, that is about all I have for now in regards to the Heidi Brain.
Now I think everyone pretty much knows I love my job but people have been pissing me off lately. That is only one indication of how I know that something isn't sitting right. When I am having a good day, yes I want to do stuff and talk to people. When I am having a bad day I do not want to talk to anyone. And so I want to let all of you know this. Because if I don't want to talk to you, it's because I don't. And it has nothing to do with anyone. It has to do with me. I don't always know why I feel pissy, until days or weeks later. So (because I am pissy now) don't ask me.
In the past 24 hours, I have had some things come to light that is now sitting in my chest like a ball of shit. Which I know I have often shared. I hate that feeling. I hate it hate hate it. And this is one way stuff like this (the coming to light) upsets me...I was going to do my taxes today and I thought my mortgage statements were online but I don't see them. I also thought I had all my paper stuff for taxes in my book bag and they aren't in there and I can't remember where I put them. And so what do I want to do? I want to cry. In fact I am at the edge. I know it's really not about the tax stuff, it's just that it is one more thing that just didn't work out today. And I am feeling a bit overwhelmed once again with school. I am trying to work hard on just focusing on today and not think about school but that is often hard for me to do. UGH I hate this. I have the needles poking at me again. And I also know that part of this is just from being tired. I was actually just acknowledging the fact yesterday that wow, I have been pretty good for a little over a week now. Pretty stable. No massive ups and downs. And now I am feeling down. This probably isn't part of the bipolar symptoms since lately I have been able to pull out of my moods faster. It is still not fun for me to deal with. I know that no one wants shitty moods. I know I am not the only one that has them. And I know that I have always kept thinking that eternal happiness was somewhere around the corner. And it's not. Lots of things like this - my epiphanies - finally. So now I have to learn how to manage them too. Manage just the day to day things that happen and then manage when my bipolar is acting up and trying to determine at what stage I am in (stable or bipolar symptoms). Pretty much my bipolar is acting up when my moods are hanging around. Lisa helped me get to that understanding. But that also means that I kinda need to spend energy also on realizing when the moods have been hanging around for too long.
I have tried to focus this winter on avoiding the major depression I get. So far I have been successful. Tanning, trying to stay social, etc. Trying to live in the moment more and not think ahead into how much winter we may have left. And I can finally see that spring will be here with the longer daylight hours. Once again - energy expended on trying to make sure that I don't get into the deep depression or even suicidal stage. I haven't been thinking so much about suicide. Tho last night as I was driving home the thoughts were creeping in once again. So I drove and thought about what good things are in my life. And also thought about the fact that I was exhausted and that I really need to keep sleep and healthy living as a priority in my life. I did want to just keep on driving and driving with no destination in mind. But I was too damn tired.
I also know that as I want to tell people over and over that their shit is their shit and my shit is my shit...it is hard to remember that myself when I get affected by other people. Mom once said to me that I take on other people's emotions too much. She is right and I have known that a long long time. Doesn't mean it makes it any easier with my awareness.
My blog is my journal and so this IS all about me. And I am not making any assumptions or even thinking about what other people in life think in general. A couple people have asked me if I thought no one else had bad days. Well, I don't really think about how others feel the same way. I only think about the fact that at times life make me feel uber uncomfortable.
So, I blog because it feels good for me. And it usually helps me get out of my head of crap, or at least partially. I guess that would be a DBT skill . Because I am focused on this moment. (Yeah I do I know I am rambling in a disorderly way.)
As I am continuing my journey and life and continue to work on stuff in therapy...well people change. I mean, that is why I am in therapy. So I can make better choices and changes in my life. And as I am becoming stronger in my self-actualization - I am starting to just say what I want to say and do what I want to do. I am not always successful nor probably will I ever be 100% successful. This is what is happening to me. I am feeling stronger, I am feeling more comfort with myself...finally. So if I don't want to spend time with anyone, or don't want to commit, or don't want to plan too far in advance, or don't want to organize or whatever it is - well this is me doing what is working for me at the moment. Life is ever evolving. That is my plan. I know that as each decade is passing for me it continues to get better and better. And perhaps when I am 90 I will be at the point where I just let stuff go and roll of my back and will finally have grips with my emotions.
And maybe Mayo will finally find the gene that is the culprit for bipolar. Did I say that I am participating in a study for that? Because they are supposed to be close to finding the gene for bipolar and I have also heard for schizophrenia. That will be so awesome to show the skeptics who don't believe mental illness is really an illness.
I have had some family members in the past couple months or so share their thoughts with me about how I have been lately. Distant, etc. And I am not saying that they shouldn't have done so. I am glad they did. Because if I want to be able to express my thoughts as I want (so I am not continuing to bury them) why would I think any different of anyone else? And I would be such a hypocrite. Same thing with actions. I can only deal with my actions, no one else's - and that is a two way street even if I don't like. Everyone needs to do that they need to do for themselves.And I get that is so very hard to do at times. Anyway, back to the others expressing their thoughts. I have no answers about why I think the way I think or whatever. It is what it is. But that is also the reason why I went through DBT and have been committed to therapy. Because I am learning about having gray thinking and not black and white. Which is so ironic because I have always thought I had gray thinking. And maybe when it comes to others, but boy, I am very black and white thinking with myself. And working on rectifying that as much as I am able to.
Like, now that I decided I don't want to be part of AA...I feel wellll, like all of a sudden I am not good enough for the AA people. I haven't quite decided what to do in terms of telling the ones I am closer to or not. Well I did tell Martha since she is my sponsor. So this also means she is not my sponsor anymore since I am not part of AA. So I found this out last night and then also other discussions with others that ensued. And I feel like I am rejected by people because I am not doing things the way they want me to do them. AGAIN! Each of those people are doing what they need to do for themselves. Hence this is my dilemma because I am hurt and feeling rejected and yet they need to do what works for them just as I need to do what works for me. So I have to keep telling myself this. That they are doing what they need to do and that it isn't about me because however any of us ever reacts is really never about the other person, it's about yourself.
So I have opted out of AA because it was just not a fit for me. I decided that Friday night. And I am guessing my family isn't going to like that. And I really don't care. I also dropped treatment. And I don't care what anyone thinks about that. I made these choices. I know what I need or don't need. I tend to be a person that often just jumps ahead into shit without really taking a step back and looking at things. Jumping into treatment and AA and trying to fix all my moods at once - well that is delusional on my part! :-) I am not discounting alcoholism as a disease at all because I know it is. I have just never been sure that I have had it. What I have come to realize in the past few months - as in I really get this now - is that I soooo hid from my emotions and my never-ending ups and downs that Hell yeah that was way easier. It has taken me 11 years of therapy to really get to this point. And I am going to say the work has at times been pretty intense. And that is also why I have stuck through all of the therapy.
Trying to appear that nothing is going on with me is sometimes a very un-daunting task. Well and maybe I shouldn't say the words nothing, but what I mean is trying to not display my pissiness - though I am usually not too successful with my family in that area. I am sure it is an un-daunting task for anyone. Once again though, this is another epiphany for me that has been recent. And so I am really in the midst of learning about life now. And I can feel myself finally making sense out of a lot of things. Still I have more. Well and not that I ever will know everything. See, I am back to the finish line thinking...I was just going to say that at some point I hope that it will just all make sense. This is the constant thinking and re-framing that I do in my mind. So yeah, overwhelmed.
Lots of things I still need to accept in life. And I wish I could just have someone snap their fingers and the acceptance would be there. Snap Snap.
I did go to church today to check it out. It is the one that Martha goes to because it is very open and accepts all people and is wayyy more easy going than any other church I have been to. It is a lot of singing and the hmmm, I am not even sure how to refer to him. Well his name is Jay. He had a pretty awesome message about Science vs Religion and that they need to work together. We don't have to agree with the message, but is makes one think. I like that. It's not about following some doctrine blindly. I am not saying that following a doctrinal foundation church is "bad" - I am just saying that is not the way I want to figure out my spirituality. Whatever that may be, if I even care down the road. There was even a point in the service where there was quiet time for meditation. That was cool.
I then went to a little meeting afterward to learn more about the church. The one thing that I really liked is that the dude said that instead of having a We vs Them mantra, it needs to be just We...collectively. And that is not even about religion for me. We vs Them could be about any aspect in our lives. Work, Play, Home, School, etc. I mean heck, everything. Advocacy vs the Government, The People vs the Government, United States vs China...and the list goes on. Seems to me like most everything in life is a We vs Them. Don't ask me how to rectify any of that. I have no thoughts. All I know is that I am going to try to work on my own We vs Them mentality.
Anyway, that is about all I have for now in regards to the Heidi Brain.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Awesome news today
My review at work was spectacular. I got a 2.8% raise, an 11,000 dollar bonus in addition to a 4,000 dollar longevity bonus. How the longevity works is that starting next year I get 25% of the 4,000 and that gets spread out over 4 years. However, I am eligible every year to continue getting them. What this does is as long as I stay with the bank, I am guaranteed the longevity money even if we have an off year and I don't get the additional bonus. Praise jeebus I can pay off my 2 credit cards. And then I am closing one of them.
So tonight I went to AA and I just can't do it anymore. I also quit Treatment. This is why. And this is how I have always felt. I just needed to get my shit together. I needed to figure me out. And I have had a lot of epiphanies about myself in the past 6 months. And I am getting healthier in mind and body.
I have had a really hard time dealing with the gastric bypass. Not with any physical stuff but the mental. And I think I have said this before, but anyone who says the bypass is the easy way out I will tell them NO WAY every time. I am really working hard on my emotions. I am working on letting them be, and surviving through them. Am I 100% successful right now? No. Will I ever be? Well of course not, we are humans. I have worked HARD in the past year on trying to learn new tools with the DBT therapy. I have finally been making leaps instead of bunny hops with Lisa in therapy. I don't know what bit me in the ass finally. I think part of it is that I have been doing the monthly Get to Know NAMI talks. And not only do I tell my own story, but I hear other's. And I finally realized that dudette, it is not about just continuing to float through life and deal with the highs and lows as they come. I need to manage. I need to manage. And I think that has been my biggest biggest epiphany. Again, I need to manage and not float along in life because that is not doing me any good.
Continuing to meet with my DBT Divas, continuing to work with Lisa, entrenching myself even more with NAMI....and being on the MN Mental Health Advisory Council. All of these have been so educational to me.
Martha has been a massive positive influence for me. Our relationship has really grown and every day I bounce things off of her. And she has helped me with epiphanies too. Perhaps that is the daily reinforcement I needed? All I know is that she has been a tremendous asset and truly a great friend in my life. Well still is!
Would I have gotten to the same conclusion if I hadn't opted for treatment and AA. I don't know. I also learned from those programs. What I learned is that I do need to be much more thankful for my life. I learned that I need to manage my health. I learned that I have been dealing with my emotions for the past 25 years by drinking and eating, then not eating and not drinking, back to drinking because I couldn't eat. And wow, that was the biggest epiphany actually. That I have NOT been dealing or sitting with emotions forever. And how many times have I talked and gone over this with Lisa and my therapist Beth in CT. Enormous amounts of time, And then one day it all comes together and clicks. And that is where I feel I am. Am I totally clicked together. No, but now I know this. And now that I know this I can continue to do what I know I need to do. Take hold of my life and manage it.
And as I have learned more and more to sit with my emotions over the past couple months, I finally realized that the feelings will pass. How often did Lisa tell me this? OMG a bazillion times. But I never wanted to do it because I so dreaded feeling like shit. And feeling like I wanted to kill myself because I did NOT want to deal with any hurt or emotional pain. And with 45 years of living, there has been a lot. I am not saying more than any others. What I am saying is that I did not have the skills to deal with the emotions. Others are lucky, me not so much.
And with 10 years of therapy - it's all finally coming together. I had so much to work through first. I had to work through mom and dad's divorce. In fact I still have to work through it when something comes to mind and it brings the pain of those years back to today. And the men, oh the men that I have allowed to treat me like shit. And kids and adults calling me fat. This may sound so silly but all of those things were painful and hurtful and kept coming over and over again. Why do you think I have such a low self-esteem (well had, totally not like it was). I would cringe whenever someone jabbed at me. I could not take it. I could not or did not stand up for myself. And how do I know that I am in a much better place now? Because there are times now that I can actually stand up for myself. And I am learning every day that I can only deal with my actions and words and reactions...no one else. And I tell myself that when something seems amiss. And GETTING these things. As in I am finally understanding what I have been working with in therapy all along.
I think what also kinda gave me some thoughts about my life is that I talked to Sam today. I haven't talked to him in awhile. If you remember he was the one to push me to go to Treatment and AA because I called him one night crying in my wine. And well, then everything just snowballed. Again, I fully believe that everything is supposed to happen in my life as it does. And I felt like I was in such a whirlwind for awhile. And now that things have settled down for me I can see clearer. Oh so back to Sam. So I spoke with him and he is SO gung ho on AA. And that is what works for him. It doesn't work for me. I don't want to hear about what miserable fucks people are when they drink . I have not had a shitty life. Have I had shitty things happen? Well yeahhh. Anyway, so I told him I went out in CT. OMG so he was all over that. How if I continue I am going to die, how I will lose everything, how my life will be miserable, how I will hit bottom. And how he has no sympathy for anyone that drinks. Hard core. Again, that works for him. Me, well hellz bellz. I have been working on why I have been ignoring my emotions in life and why I opted for other ways to deal.
Today though, I want to keep learning about my emotions. That is what it is about for me. That will be my experience. I have a strong committment now to deal with my emotions. I think that is the last piece of my puzzle of a life. And then the rest of the pieces will fall into place, whatever they may be.
Managing bipolar symptoms so hopefully my extremes aren't as frequent - and managing my emotions. That is what is finally beginning to work for me.
So tonight I went to AA and I just can't do it anymore. I also quit Treatment. This is why. And this is how I have always felt. I just needed to get my shit together. I needed to figure me out. And I have had a lot of epiphanies about myself in the past 6 months. And I am getting healthier in mind and body.
I have had a really hard time dealing with the gastric bypass. Not with any physical stuff but the mental. And I think I have said this before, but anyone who says the bypass is the easy way out I will tell them NO WAY every time. I am really working hard on my emotions. I am working on letting them be, and surviving through them. Am I 100% successful right now? No. Will I ever be? Well of course not, we are humans. I have worked HARD in the past year on trying to learn new tools with the DBT therapy. I have finally been making leaps instead of bunny hops with Lisa in therapy. I don't know what bit me in the ass finally. I think part of it is that I have been doing the monthly Get to Know NAMI talks. And not only do I tell my own story, but I hear other's. And I finally realized that dudette, it is not about just continuing to float through life and deal with the highs and lows as they come. I need to manage. I need to manage. And I think that has been my biggest biggest epiphany. Again, I need to manage and not float along in life because that is not doing me any good.
Continuing to meet with my DBT Divas, continuing to work with Lisa, entrenching myself even more with NAMI....and being on the MN Mental Health Advisory Council. All of these have been so educational to me.
Martha has been a massive positive influence for me. Our relationship has really grown and every day I bounce things off of her. And she has helped me with epiphanies too. Perhaps that is the daily reinforcement I needed? All I know is that she has been a tremendous asset and truly a great friend in my life. Well still is!
Would I have gotten to the same conclusion if I hadn't opted for treatment and AA. I don't know. I also learned from those programs. What I learned is that I do need to be much more thankful for my life. I learned that I need to manage my health. I learned that I have been dealing with my emotions for the past 25 years by drinking and eating, then not eating and not drinking, back to drinking because I couldn't eat. And wow, that was the biggest epiphany actually. That I have NOT been dealing or sitting with emotions forever. And how many times have I talked and gone over this with Lisa and my therapist Beth in CT. Enormous amounts of time, And then one day it all comes together and clicks. And that is where I feel I am. Am I totally clicked together. No, but now I know this. And now that I know this I can continue to do what I know I need to do. Take hold of my life and manage it.
And as I have learned more and more to sit with my emotions over the past couple months, I finally realized that the feelings will pass. How often did Lisa tell me this? OMG a bazillion times. But I never wanted to do it because I so dreaded feeling like shit. And feeling like I wanted to kill myself because I did NOT want to deal with any hurt or emotional pain. And with 45 years of living, there has been a lot. I am not saying more than any others. What I am saying is that I did not have the skills to deal with the emotions. Others are lucky, me not so much.
And with 10 years of therapy - it's all finally coming together. I had so much to work through first. I had to work through mom and dad's divorce. In fact I still have to work through it when something comes to mind and it brings the pain of those years back to today. And the men, oh the men that I have allowed to treat me like shit. And kids and adults calling me fat. This may sound so silly but all of those things were painful and hurtful and kept coming over and over again. Why do you think I have such a low self-esteem (well had, totally not like it was). I would cringe whenever someone jabbed at me. I could not take it. I could not or did not stand up for myself. And how do I know that I am in a much better place now? Because there are times now that I can actually stand up for myself. And I am learning every day that I can only deal with my actions and words and reactions...no one else. And I tell myself that when something seems amiss. And GETTING these things. As in I am finally understanding what I have been working with in therapy all along.
I think what also kinda gave me some thoughts about my life is that I talked to Sam today. I haven't talked to him in awhile. If you remember he was the one to push me to go to Treatment and AA because I called him one night crying in my wine. And well, then everything just snowballed. Again, I fully believe that everything is supposed to happen in my life as it does. And I felt like I was in such a whirlwind for awhile. And now that things have settled down for me I can see clearer. Oh so back to Sam. So I spoke with him and he is SO gung ho on AA. And that is what works for him. It doesn't work for me. I don't want to hear about what miserable fucks people are when they drink . I have not had a shitty life. Have I had shitty things happen? Well yeahhh. Anyway, so I told him I went out in CT. OMG so he was all over that. How if I continue I am going to die, how I will lose everything, how my life will be miserable, how I will hit bottom. And how he has no sympathy for anyone that drinks. Hard core. Again, that works for him. Me, well hellz bellz. I have been working on why I have been ignoring my emotions in life and why I opted for other ways to deal.
Today though, I want to keep learning about my emotions. That is what it is about for me. That will be my experience. I have a strong committment now to deal with my emotions. I think that is the last piece of my puzzle of a life. And then the rest of the pieces will fall into place, whatever they may be.
Managing bipolar symptoms so hopefully my extremes aren't as frequent - and managing my emotions. That is what is finally beginning to work for me.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Thursday
Wow it felt good to really clean the house today. It has been only done in bits and pieces for awhile so now I am sitting at home and enjoying some candles and mellow time for once.
Today was the MN State Mental Health Advisory Council meeting and we are so screwed if any more money is cut for mental health. I can't even go into everything we talked about today but there will be massive problems if there are more cuts. If places that provide services now for mentally ill people are closed down due to more budget cuts, the mentally ill will end up god knows where and most likely homeless. And how will that save money? I wish people could all spend time in a behavioral health care unit (slang term is psych ward) and see how severely mentally ill people function. How can anyone hold down a job that is hearing voices constantly in your head. My friend Martha who works with the mentally ill in helping them stabilize and try to be productive in the community once had to walk around a museum for an hour or maybe it was longer----with headsets on and someone constantly talking the whole time. Talking like telling you what to do...for example - many schizophrenics believe that God is telling them not to take their medication or that their neighbors want to kill them or whatever. Just imagine having those thoughts run constantly through your head. And then tell me how someone could hold down a job.
Anyway, so tired of the bad news. We are going so effing backward that I can't even stand it. My only slight hope for common sense to return is to patiently wait for the next 50 years if I am still even alive...and hope that our youth of today will be much more sensible in terms of understanding that life is gray. Life is not black and white. There are many many different circumstances out there. I look at my nieces and nephews and I see hope. They are all so diverse in their friends. They are friends with their friends just because they love them. Doesn't matter what color, what sexual orientation, etc. In that generation is my hope.
On a more exciting note - the photo editor from Woman's Day magazine called me today. They are sending a NY photographer to my place either a week from Friday or the following M, T or W morning before I go to work. I live the furthest away I guess. I told Stephanie ( the editor ) that they better warn the photographer about the freaking cold ass weather we are having!
So they will be sending a groomer, which is a person that will do my hair and make-up. I will be against a white background setting. She said they will probably just have me wear a white shirt. All three of us will be photographed the same way. There will be one picture of me holding a white sign over my head with my illness written on card. Then there will be a second picture of me without the card and showing strength, etc. However that looks! ha.
Anyway, that should be an interesting day. And I will be excited to see how the pictures turn out since I am guessing there will be lots of makeup!
The other exciting news is that my nephew Travis graduates from Basic on Feb 18 and I am able to fly down to see him graduate. He has come a long way and I have enjoyed watching the transformation.
Today was the MN State Mental Health Advisory Council meeting and we are so screwed if any more money is cut for mental health. I can't even go into everything we talked about today but there will be massive problems if there are more cuts. If places that provide services now for mentally ill people are closed down due to more budget cuts, the mentally ill will end up god knows where and most likely homeless. And how will that save money? I wish people could all spend time in a behavioral health care unit (slang term is psych ward) and see how severely mentally ill people function. How can anyone hold down a job that is hearing voices constantly in your head. My friend Martha who works with the mentally ill in helping them stabilize and try to be productive in the community once had to walk around a museum for an hour or maybe it was longer----with headsets on and someone constantly talking the whole time. Talking like telling you what to do...for example - many schizophrenics believe that God is telling them not to take their medication or that their neighbors want to kill them or whatever. Just imagine having those thoughts run constantly through your head. And then tell me how someone could hold down a job.
Anyway, so tired of the bad news. We are going so effing backward that I can't even stand it. My only slight hope for common sense to return is to patiently wait for the next 50 years if I am still even alive...and hope that our youth of today will be much more sensible in terms of understanding that life is gray. Life is not black and white. There are many many different circumstances out there. I look at my nieces and nephews and I see hope. They are all so diverse in their friends. They are friends with their friends just because they love them. Doesn't matter what color, what sexual orientation, etc. In that generation is my hope.
On a more exciting note - the photo editor from Woman's Day magazine called me today. They are sending a NY photographer to my place either a week from Friday or the following M, T or W morning before I go to work. I live the furthest away I guess. I told Stephanie ( the editor ) that they better warn the photographer about the freaking cold ass weather we are having!
So they will be sending a groomer, which is a person that will do my hair and make-up. I will be against a white background setting. She said they will probably just have me wear a white shirt. All three of us will be photographed the same way. There will be one picture of me holding a white sign over my head with my illness written on card. Then there will be a second picture of me without the card and showing strength, etc. However that looks! ha.
Anyway, that should be an interesting day. And I will be excited to see how the pictures turn out since I am guessing there will be lots of makeup!
The other exciting news is that my nephew Travis graduates from Basic on Feb 18 and I am able to fly down to see him graduate. He has come a long way and I have enjoyed watching the transformation.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Positive Work News
I get my review on Friday but I did find out in my manager meeting today that the bank is handing out the biggest raises and bonuses it has in years! yay! Now mind you, raises generally aren't that huge anyway - but my manager said that people are getting raises that in previous times would never have gotten one. I will assume that will bode well for me.
I also found out today that the bank contributed 400 dollars to my Health Savings Account - so the higher up the food chain I guess the better perks. Our HSA money is available on an HSA debit card so tonight when I saw Lisa, just a swipe of the card and it was paid for! Makes life much easier.
I got an email today regarding a "Woman's Day" photo shoot. Stephanie is the Photo Director for Woman's Day.
To quote
"Basically, we would need to photograph you within the next week and a half for about 2 hours. We would send a photographer out to you and a groomer - your house or wherever you feel most comfortable. We will set up white paper behind you for a clean portrait so the location can be almost anywhere. "
I guess it is happening :-)
Therapy with Lisa was good. Helps that I am in a good mood today. I now know that my crabbiness yesterday was purely due to exhaustion. I am still totally working on learning what just regular emotions are...I mean the regular day to day feelings that are there and then when the manic or the depressive modes are hitting. Definitely a learning process for me because until recently I never thought to pay attention to how I was feeling and how my emotions drove so much of my life.
I told Lisa that I want to continue focusing on the DBT skills with her. I am not saying that is all because there are still some deep dark secrets that I want to work on with her...but I can't do that every time. Because those heavy sessions take a toll on me and I also know that to get to the other side I have to work through them.
I want to become better at realizing when it's bipolar symptoms I am dealing with and when it's just average day to day life. I have been in quite a quandry for awhile and just kinda floating around and thinking and thinking and thinking...and I hope that at some point I can finally get comfortable with things being just as they are and not have to dissect every thought I have.
Another realization - I am always looking for the finish line in life. As in everything I do I figure there must be some end product that I will come too. Now, I suppose most people are aware of this and don't ask me why - I am not. I know we have talked about this in therapy many times too. But then one day, it all just clicks and comes together. And lately I have been having more of these epiphany moments. Which is a good thing and I can finally see that I am making progress. And seriously, in every aspect of what I do, I assume there will be an end point. I am not just taking life as it comes, enjoying the journey. Lisa brought up a song by Miley Cyrus as a way to explain that I just need to focus on the journey. And I don't know this song but I am going to have to YouTube it. The Climb
Here are the lyrics tho-
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
Anyway, so life is slowly clicking into place for me.
I have also tossed around in my life since 1997 do I live in CT or do I live in MN. And always always always that is in the back of my mind. And I am realizing now that my trip to CT was great in more ways than one. It was so good to be around my people that I have grown to love so much. AND on the way back, I was chastising myself about why can't I make a decision about where to live and finally (see, that would be the end product or finish line thinking - I want an answer) and what it is really all about is that I am good right now. I am good where I am, I am in the right place. Take away all friends and family out of the picture because I love both wherever they are - and my job is going superbly, my school is going well and can't leave now and my involvement with NAMI and the MN Mental Health Advisory Council are all things in my life where I really want to stay focused and involved. And my waffling or "flip-flopping" is gone for now. I am not ever totally taking another state to live off my plate - I just know that today this is where I am supposed to be. And that adds another piece to my peace.
Okay, so I am just going to come right out with it. If I can be honest about bipolar I need to be honest about alcohol. And I am with my sponsor - and with Lisa. I texted my sponsor last Thursday when I went out with the peeps. I hadn't thought much about it that day. I mean I knew I was going to the Blue Martini in Bridgeport to meet with the peeps. And even when I got there I started off with a Club Soda. But then I chose to go for the wine. See, being in Bridgeport that day and going to the office where I used to work...while I loved going there...it also flooded my brain with memories of Craig - who was a dude that I dated and FOREVER have not been able to rid him of my system. And actually, I had been doing well since the summer when I finally quit talking to him. And then in the past month I even deleted ALL contact information I had for him. Now mind you, one may not think that is a big thing. Trust me, for ME that was HUGE step! Sounds insignificant - it was significant for me. In some respect I would have loved for him to see me as I am now - that ollll see what you're missing. Dumb dumb dumb...what am I gonna do? I know that. And I want to hear him say he was an idiot. Dumb dumb dumb I say again. Because really (and he had always told me this) that he wasn't good enough for me. Well DUH! :-) I never got that. Now when I look back, he was right. I am pretty sure he would have held me back. Yeah yeah yeah the whole there is a reason for everything. Still doesn't mean that my feelings aren't still floating around and flooding the brain and heart. It was stronger than I anticipated. Craig still works 2 days a week for the City. Thursdays are one of his work days. Thursday I was in Bridgeport. Thursday I was meeting the girls. And there you have it.
And I did tell Lisa this and told her I was soooo sick the next day. And she said, "and you were sick the last time too". And I said yeah, but this time it was excruciating. And she asked me how so? I told her I was afraid that I really fucked up my gastric bypass. The pain was harsh. I did it to myself. I kept my thoughts to myself about how I was feeling and just couldn't wait for the day after to be over. And mother, I don't need a lecture - nor from anyone. My drinking is FAR less than it has been in awhile. 2 times in 2 months as opposed to 3-5 times a week. As the saying goes - Progress not Perfection. I am progressing in many things in my life and that is all I can do.
I also found out today that the bank contributed 400 dollars to my Health Savings Account - so the higher up the food chain I guess the better perks. Our HSA money is available on an HSA debit card so tonight when I saw Lisa, just a swipe of the card and it was paid for! Makes life much easier.
I got an email today regarding a "Woman's Day" photo shoot. Stephanie is the Photo Director for Woman's Day.
To quote
"Basically, we would need to photograph you within the next week and a half for about 2 hours. We would send a photographer out to you and a groomer - your house or wherever you feel most comfortable. We will set up white paper behind you for a clean portrait so the location can be almost anywhere. "
I guess it is happening :-)
Therapy with Lisa was good. Helps that I am in a good mood today. I now know that my crabbiness yesterday was purely due to exhaustion. I am still totally working on learning what just regular emotions are...I mean the regular day to day feelings that are there and then when the manic or the depressive modes are hitting. Definitely a learning process for me because until recently I never thought to pay attention to how I was feeling and how my emotions drove so much of my life.
I told Lisa that I want to continue focusing on the DBT skills with her. I am not saying that is all because there are still some deep dark secrets that I want to work on with her...but I can't do that every time. Because those heavy sessions take a toll on me and I also know that to get to the other side I have to work through them.
I want to become better at realizing when it's bipolar symptoms I am dealing with and when it's just average day to day life. I have been in quite a quandry for awhile and just kinda floating around and thinking and thinking and thinking...and I hope that at some point I can finally get comfortable with things being just as they are and not have to dissect every thought I have.
Another realization - I am always looking for the finish line in life. As in everything I do I figure there must be some end product that I will come too. Now, I suppose most people are aware of this and don't ask me why - I am not. I know we have talked about this in therapy many times too. But then one day, it all just clicks and comes together. And lately I have been having more of these epiphany moments. Which is a good thing and I can finally see that I am making progress. And seriously, in every aspect of what I do, I assume there will be an end point. I am not just taking life as it comes, enjoying the journey. Lisa brought up a song by Miley Cyrus as a way to explain that I just need to focus on the journey. And I don't know this song but I am going to have to YouTube it. The Climb
Here are the lyrics tho-
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
Anyway, so life is slowly clicking into place for me.
I have also tossed around in my life since 1997 do I live in CT or do I live in MN. And always always always that is in the back of my mind. And I am realizing now that my trip to CT was great in more ways than one. It was so good to be around my people that I have grown to love so much. AND on the way back, I was chastising myself about why can't I make a decision about where to live and finally (see, that would be the end product or finish line thinking - I want an answer) and what it is really all about is that I am good right now. I am good where I am, I am in the right place. Take away all friends and family out of the picture because I love both wherever they are - and my job is going superbly, my school is going well and can't leave now and my involvement with NAMI and the MN Mental Health Advisory Council are all things in my life where I really want to stay focused and involved. And my waffling or "flip-flopping" is gone for now. I am not ever totally taking another state to live off my plate - I just know that today this is where I am supposed to be. And that adds another piece to my peace.
Okay, so I am just going to come right out with it. If I can be honest about bipolar I need to be honest about alcohol. And I am with my sponsor - and with Lisa. I texted my sponsor last Thursday when I went out with the peeps. I hadn't thought much about it that day. I mean I knew I was going to the Blue Martini in Bridgeport to meet with the peeps. And even when I got there I started off with a Club Soda. But then I chose to go for the wine. See, being in Bridgeport that day and going to the office where I used to work...while I loved going there...it also flooded my brain with memories of Craig - who was a dude that I dated and FOREVER have not been able to rid him of my system. And actually, I had been doing well since the summer when I finally quit talking to him. And then in the past month I even deleted ALL contact information I had for him. Now mind you, one may not think that is a big thing. Trust me, for ME that was HUGE step! Sounds insignificant - it was significant for me. In some respect I would have loved for him to see me as I am now - that ollll see what you're missing. Dumb dumb dumb...what am I gonna do? I know that. And I want to hear him say he was an idiot. Dumb dumb dumb I say again. Because really (and he had always told me this) that he wasn't good enough for me. Well DUH! :-) I never got that. Now when I look back, he was right. I am pretty sure he would have held me back. Yeah yeah yeah the whole there is a reason for everything. Still doesn't mean that my feelings aren't still floating around and flooding the brain and heart. It was stronger than I anticipated. Craig still works 2 days a week for the City. Thursdays are one of his work days. Thursday I was in Bridgeport. Thursday I was meeting the girls. And there you have it.
And I did tell Lisa this and told her I was soooo sick the next day. And she said, "and you were sick the last time too". And I said yeah, but this time it was excruciating. And she asked me how so? I told her I was afraid that I really fucked up my gastric bypass. The pain was harsh. I did it to myself. I kept my thoughts to myself about how I was feeling and just couldn't wait for the day after to be over. And mother, I don't need a lecture - nor from anyone. My drinking is FAR less than it has been in awhile. 2 times in 2 months as opposed to 3-5 times a week. As the saying goes - Progress not Perfection. I am progressing in many things in my life and that is all I can do.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Hoping to catch up what I can
I know it has been awhile. I was out in Connecticut last week from Wednesday until Monday. It felt really good to go out there. I skipped any trips in 2010 and this was badly needed. To be around lots of people that love me. I also hadn't thought about the fact that the last time anyone saw me was at least 80-100 pounds ago. In fact, I saw one of the City Attorneys outside and I said Hey Ron Pacacha! He looked at me and I know he couldn't tell who I was. I said It's me! Heidi. He was like OMG I didn't even recognize you. I still don't really like hearing people tell me how good I look. I don't know why. Maybe because I still have my overweight mentality in my mind. I am still trying to adjust to my weight loss. I like it, I don't regret that I did it, but it is taking a long time for my brain to catch up.
I mostly saw a bunch of people I wanted to see. Tho one day I did go up to Deerfield Massachusetts where Yankee Candle was born. Danielle, Mike, Julia and me toured the flagship store and did lots of shopping. We also went to a butterfly conservatory. That was cool to feel like I was in some tropical area for an hour. A small gentle reprieve from snow snow snow.
I was barely able to eek a flight out East last Wednesday due to the snow that keeps getting pummeling them. I had a layover in Milwaukee with only one flight making it to NY that day. I hung around and was able to get on it. Landed about 5pm and luckily rush hour traffic was super light so only took two hours of driving to CT. Typically it is an hour and a half.
I also made it to Ralph and Rich's for dinner which is my favorite restaurant in CT.
Lots of running around - and short sleep nights. I got in yesterday and slept for 12 hours last night and woke up achy and with a headache. I wanted to take another day off work but so much to do. Now, while I am still exhausted some of the achiness has gone away so it is probably good that I came to work.
While I was gone to CT I had Russ the Handyman replace my mirrored closet doors which I always hated and had him replace with white closet doors to match the bedroom and bathroom doors. They look super nice and I am glad I did it. Speaking of Russ the Handy man. A couple Saturdays ago I took him out to dinner at Heidi's in Mpls which is an awesome super nice restaurant. I wanted to thank him for driving me to the outpatient center when I had toe surgery. He does a lot of little things for me and has watched Gertie a few times now so I wanted to take him out to some place nice. After that we went to a show at the Cabooze. It was the 4th annual Happy Birthday Janis party. They had 6-8 women sing Janis Joplin songs and they were all fantastic. I definitely want to go next year too. Russ really enjoyed it also.
I may have said this recently but I want to say this in case I haven't. Managing my bipolar is really energy draining, managing my emotions is energy draining and managing sobriety is energy draining. In addition throw in work, school, NAMI volunteering, MN Mental Health Advisory Council meetings, AA meetings, my DBT Diva meetings....all of these are super important in my life. But they all take energy. Throwing in the bipolar and sobriety on top of just a regular stressed life that we all have - there are days I am not sure I can handle it and just want to scream or stay away from everyone and be left alone. Why, because I get so crabby. Have I said this before? When I am feeling crabby or irritable (and to me I need med adjusting still - I have an appt sometime in Feb) - it is like a million needles poking at every piece of my inside skin. I don't know if others feel like this. I do attribute it to a bipolar symptom. Correct me if I am wrong. Imagine tho- trying to go through a day or days of feeling like this and trying to keep a lid on it because it would not be appropriate in my mind to let work or school know about it. And I do know that I take that irritability out on my family. And I want to try and not do that. I don't know if I can be successful. So the only way I can not take it out on my family right now is to not talk to anyone. As in verbal talk. Texting I can deal with because I try to not put emotion into it. Facebook or email may work - but that is not always successful either. Why am I saying all this? Because I just want to explain my actions. And especially explain that none of my reactions have anything to do with you...it is with me. In fact, that is kindofa lesson for all. Another DBT skill. Guessing everyone has heard it too, but if you haven't...we can only manage our attitudes or feelings or reactions, etc - we have no control over others actions, we only have control over our actions. So if something makes you feel like shit or punching someone in the nose, re-frame your mind over the circumstances.
I guess that is really what I wanted to blog about - my actions which are mine alone. Because if I react or do things in a way that you don't understand or get upset with - it is only me. Not anyone else. And what I do or how I choose to deal with things may not be right to anyone or make sense - but for me it is what works.
I need to work so hard to stay in the day and not think about past or look to the future - but that is energy draining too. At this juncture in my life. The more I am successful at doing these "energy-draining" activities, the more it will just be natural. Today tho - lots of Heidi energy is going into dealing with life and trying to re-frame my mind into better ways. Once I am successful at the re-framing - I like to think managing all things will be less stressful. I sure hope so anyway. I am doing a lot of work to get to that point. Slow and steady.
I mostly saw a bunch of people I wanted to see. Tho one day I did go up to Deerfield Massachusetts where Yankee Candle was born. Danielle, Mike, Julia and me toured the flagship store and did lots of shopping. We also went to a butterfly conservatory. That was cool to feel like I was in some tropical area for an hour. A small gentle reprieve from snow snow snow.
I was barely able to eek a flight out East last Wednesday due to the snow that keeps getting pummeling them. I had a layover in Milwaukee with only one flight making it to NY that day. I hung around and was able to get on it. Landed about 5pm and luckily rush hour traffic was super light so only took two hours of driving to CT. Typically it is an hour and a half.
I also made it to Ralph and Rich's for dinner which is my favorite restaurant in CT.
Lots of running around - and short sleep nights. I got in yesterday and slept for 12 hours last night and woke up achy and with a headache. I wanted to take another day off work but so much to do. Now, while I am still exhausted some of the achiness has gone away so it is probably good that I came to work.
While I was gone to CT I had Russ the Handyman replace my mirrored closet doors which I always hated and had him replace with white closet doors to match the bedroom and bathroom doors. They look super nice and I am glad I did it. Speaking of Russ the Handy man. A couple Saturdays ago I took him out to dinner at Heidi's in Mpls which is an awesome super nice restaurant. I wanted to thank him for driving me to the outpatient center when I had toe surgery. He does a lot of little things for me and has watched Gertie a few times now so I wanted to take him out to some place nice. After that we went to a show at the Cabooze. It was the 4th annual Happy Birthday Janis party. They had 6-8 women sing Janis Joplin songs and they were all fantastic. I definitely want to go next year too. Russ really enjoyed it also.
I may have said this recently but I want to say this in case I haven't. Managing my bipolar is really energy draining, managing my emotions is energy draining and managing sobriety is energy draining. In addition throw in work, school, NAMI volunteering, MN Mental Health Advisory Council meetings, AA meetings, my DBT Diva meetings....all of these are super important in my life. But they all take energy. Throwing in the bipolar and sobriety on top of just a regular stressed life that we all have - there are days I am not sure I can handle it and just want to scream or stay away from everyone and be left alone. Why, because I get so crabby. Have I said this before? When I am feeling crabby or irritable (and to me I need med adjusting still - I have an appt sometime in Feb) - it is like a million needles poking at every piece of my inside skin. I don't know if others feel like this. I do attribute it to a bipolar symptom. Correct me if I am wrong. Imagine tho- trying to go through a day or days of feeling like this and trying to keep a lid on it because it would not be appropriate in my mind to let work or school know about it. And I do know that I take that irritability out on my family. And I want to try and not do that. I don't know if I can be successful. So the only way I can not take it out on my family right now is to not talk to anyone. As in verbal talk. Texting I can deal with because I try to not put emotion into it. Facebook or email may work - but that is not always successful either. Why am I saying all this? Because I just want to explain my actions. And especially explain that none of my reactions have anything to do with you...it is with me. In fact, that is kindofa lesson for all. Another DBT skill. Guessing everyone has heard it too, but if you haven't...we can only manage our attitudes or feelings or reactions, etc - we have no control over others actions, we only have control over our actions. So if something makes you feel like shit or punching someone in the nose, re-frame your mind over the circumstances.
I guess that is really what I wanted to blog about - my actions which are mine alone. Because if I react or do things in a way that you don't understand or get upset with - it is only me. Not anyone else. And what I do or how I choose to deal with things may not be right to anyone or make sense - but for me it is what works.
I need to work so hard to stay in the day and not think about past or look to the future - but that is energy draining too. At this juncture in my life. The more I am successful at doing these "energy-draining" activities, the more it will just be natural. Today tho - lots of Heidi energy is going into dealing with life and trying to re-frame my mind into better ways. Once I am successful at the re-framing - I like to think managing all things will be less stressful. I sure hope so anyway. I am doing a lot of work to get to that point. Slow and steady.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
