The interview with Joan Raymond lasted 45 minutes! She said originally she figured about 20 minutes (when we talked on Tuesday) althoughhh she did say that she thought it would last longer the way we clicked on Tuesday. Well she was right! Next time I will have to take care that I don't drink 2 McDonald's iced coffees before an interview. I had to pee sooo bad and didn't want to pee while getting interviewed. :-) So yeah, bladder was ready to burst when I was done.
Some things she asked...when I was diagnosed, how my mood swings feel, did I have a "normal' childhood, what do I do for work, did I have a degree, what were my 20s and 30s like, etc etc. She asked what stigmas I have experienced. I told her mostly just the fear of telling people (not as much anymore though). Fear in terms of my job - that there would be retribution or that I would be passed over for promotions. She did say....(and this was near the beginning of the interview)...you know Heidi that this is a national magazine. I said yes. She isn't putting in there that I work for US Bank, just what I do. Anyway, so I told her yes and that I feel I need to do this...I know this is so cliche, but I want to Walk the Walk and not just Talk the Talk. The other stigma that I encounter is that a lot of people don't really think mental illness is a real illness. Or that it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. The one stumper question was - What would you want people to say to you when you tell them you have bipolar disease. I sat for at least a minute without saying anything. I finally said, "I just don't know". I don't want people to say oh I'm sorry, or is there something I can do or something to that effect. Because there really isn't anything anyone can do. And there is no reason to be sorry. What I did say is that I don't necessarily want anyone to say anything - I would just like them to support me by educating themselves. Taking advantage of so many free educational classes that NAMI provides. Not that taking the classes will help them "get it" but at least perhaps gain a tiny bit of insight.
I know we talked about other things but don't remember it all. She did say she got a bit misty-eyed at the end. I don't know why - unless it was just all of it. She was very cool though. She has a close girlfriend that is diagnosed with clinical depression so she sees some of what the depressive modes are about. She also was very informed. Knew the different bipolar disorders, knew about medications, etc etc.
She said will be emailing the article (well not sure if it will be the full article or just my little part) in the next week. I am looking forward to seeing it. I do believe she will do justice to it. I feel like she wants to make sure the article will put out the awareness in a good light. Or something like that anyway.
I am still really struggling with my ups and downs - I kinda realized that again today. I had been having a pretty "stable" week until today. And it makes the day very hard. I had dinner tonight with my DBT Divas and I was telling them about the interview and what we talked about (what I could remember)...and oh yeah. I told Joan that it takes so much energy from me to manage my bipolar. Mental energy. And when I was telling that to Erin and Colleen tonight - they totally agreed and totally felt the same way. And that was comforting to me. So many times I don't know if what I am feeling makes sense. I have never really brought that up to anyone - that it takes a ton of energy to manage my days a lot of the time. And so the validation from Erin and Colleen was a breath of fresh air.
I say this a lot too. I don't know what "normal" or stable is for me in terms of moods. Erin and Colleen validated that too! I am always questioning - am I manic, am I depressed, where is the stability, how will I know or how will I gauge what the "proper" feeling is? Some day I hope I to figure it out.
My cousin Carrie is taking a phote of me on Sunday - I think on the High Bridge maybe over looking downtown? I will have to look again at the post that my brother suggested. Carrie takes great pictures and it's a hobby for her. Andddd if the editors like it they may just use her picture (which would be really cool). Otherwise I guess they will send out a photographer - at least that is what Joan told me.
I could totally see Joan and I becoming buds. She is a pip! Andddd I am thinking that she would be a really good person to know for when I decide to start writing that book. Not necessarily for any publishing - just to get pointers and suggestions, etc. If she would be open to that.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
One last drivel of thought...
I do realize that many many many times I have said...I don't like judgements, I don't like being judged, I try to not judge others....and in the end....maybe what I really don't like are my own judgements on myself. And it really has nothing to do with anyone else. Dunno - thinking I will keep that tucked away somewhere though.
Woman's Day it is
I got the call today from Joan Raymond who is a journalist for Woman's Day and she picked me out of the two people that NAMI National recommended. Yay. She sounds like a total pip. If I ever get to meet her in person I know we would have great laughs. She used to live in NYC so ya know she is is a ball of fire.
We have a phone interview set up for Thursday afternoon at 4pm my time. She said it will take probably 25 minutes but knowing how we hit it right off, it will probably take longer :-) She said she needs a photo to send to an editor and then either they will use that photo or send one of their people out for a little photo session. So what was the criteria in picking me? Well I did do a very very brief interview with NAMI Nat'l in which the NAMI person asked my age, where I work, what I do...just a brief bio type thing. And whatever Joan got out if it I don't know. She said that I sounded like a cool person, I was in school, she loves St Paul and Minneapolis AND loved Prince! That cracked me up. She is sooo the epitome of a New Yorker!
So the article is a health article on three woman that all have an illness associated with stigma. One woman is HIV Positive, one woman has lung cancer and has never smoked in her life, and then I am the mental health aspect - and they wanted someone living with bipolar.
The article will run in the May edition of Woman's Day (my birthday month) even though it will actually hit the shelves in April. Joan has also written for the NY Times and I thought she said Washington Post and others.
I talked to Amanda after treatment today. There were only a few of us - about half were gone. And this statement really really really put my addiction into a perspective that I understand. And in the end, isn't what remaining sober is all about? Doing whatever works for me to remain sober?
I might have to paint this on my wall - I am not powerless - I have given my power away.
Those 10 little words say a lot to me. I could accept that my life has become unmanageable in some aspects - but I had a hard time swallowing that whole...I am powerless. Who ever really wants to say they are powerless over themselves? Again, whatever works for each individual is what works for them. Perhaps most others can just accept that they are powerless. I couldn't. Powerless is a very very strong word.
As Merriam Webster says - POWERLESS -
It is much easier for me to think of my drinking as giving away my power to the alcohol....but knowing that if I give my power away I can also bring it back. This is what works for me. And it also may change for me down the road. I do know that my views on life and myself continue to evolve.
Anyway, I did tell Amanda that I wanted to stop treatment. I told her that already with school going on again - I was already beginning to feel the "overwhelming" aspect of even thinking about it. She said, "Are you sure you don't want to go down to just one day a week"? I said, "I don't know I don't know"...I am so bad at saying no to things. Then she asked if I want to think about it. She said why not think about it for the next week and half and just take a leave and let me know what you think after Connecticut (I had told the group during check in that I was going to CT next week). She said that she understands why I am thinking this and that I have a great support structure in place and so has no problem with signing me off on ending treatment.
What I hadn't told in group though was that I actually did go out last Thursday. I hadn't even really planned on telling Amanda since I figured I was okay with letting Martha (and my blog followers) know. BUT, I just felt I had to be completely honest (esp since she said she saw me working hard and that I was doing the things I am supposed to be doing)...well I just had to be honest. So, I told her. I told her that I did go out last Thursday with the intent to drink and to stop my thoughts. AND I also told her that I learned a LOT in the one night of relapse. I told her my intent was not to continue drinking but to give myself a reprieve from wondering and wanting and the whole snowball of treatment, AA, sponsor, therapist, etc.
AND she got it! She didn't judge me nor make any harsh statements or give me the evil eye. What she did say was...I get it Heidi. You are working very hard and you needed the break. And I still give you my support in whatever you decide to do. Because no matter what, in the end I am doing what I need to do in order to manage sobriety. I go to meetings, I read from the big book, I meet with Martha, I make sure my meds are at the right levels, I meet with Lisa. (Well the above is what Amanda was re-iterating). And wow, I am always afraid to tell people what I think they won't like to hear. Well let me rephrase that...my past ways have been to fear telling people what my real thoughts are/were.***I know you may be thinking - What? You blog your life away - but that is different then saying it face to face to someone and I can blog and get it off my chest but that doesn't mean I am addressing I still have a long way to go in that arena....but I am slowly doing it. And when I told her the truth, well it was okay. I made it through, I survived another moment of working skills that I need to be working.
We have a phone interview set up for Thursday afternoon at 4pm my time. She said it will take probably 25 minutes but knowing how we hit it right off, it will probably take longer :-) She said she needs a photo to send to an editor and then either they will use that photo or send one of their people out for a little photo session. So what was the criteria in picking me? Well I did do a very very brief interview with NAMI Nat'l in which the NAMI person asked my age, where I work, what I do...just a brief bio type thing. And whatever Joan got out if it I don't know. She said that I sounded like a cool person, I was in school, she loves St Paul and Minneapolis AND loved Prince! That cracked me up. She is sooo the epitome of a New Yorker!
So the article is a health article on three woman that all have an illness associated with stigma. One woman is HIV Positive, one woman has lung cancer and has never smoked in her life, and then I am the mental health aspect - and they wanted someone living with bipolar.
The article will run in the May edition of Woman's Day (my birthday month) even though it will actually hit the shelves in April. Joan has also written for the NY Times and I thought she said Washington Post and others.
I talked to Amanda after treatment today. There were only a few of us - about half were gone. And this statement really really really put my addiction into a perspective that I understand. And in the end, isn't what remaining sober is all about? Doing whatever works for me to remain sober?
I might have to paint this on my wall - I am not powerless - I have given my power away.
Those 10 little words say a lot to me. I could accept that my life has become unmanageable in some aspects - but I had a hard time swallowing that whole...I am powerless. Who ever really wants to say they are powerless over themselves? Again, whatever works for each individual is what works for them. Perhaps most others can just accept that they are powerless. I couldn't. Powerless is a very very strong word.
As Merriam Webster says - POWERLESS -
1
: devoid of strength or resources <powerless victims>
2
: lacking the authority or capacity to act powerless to help>
It is much easier for me to think of my drinking as giving away my power to the alcohol....but knowing that if I give my power away I can also bring it back. This is what works for me. And it also may change for me down the road. I do know that my views on life and myself continue to evolve.
Anyway, I did tell Amanda that I wanted to stop treatment. I told her that already with school going on again - I was already beginning to feel the "overwhelming" aspect of even thinking about it. She said, "Are you sure you don't want to go down to just one day a week"? I said, "I don't know I don't know"...I am so bad at saying no to things. Then she asked if I want to think about it. She said why not think about it for the next week and half and just take a leave and let me know what you think after Connecticut (I had told the group during check in that I was going to CT next week). She said that she understands why I am thinking this and that I have a great support structure in place and so has no problem with signing me off on ending treatment.
What I hadn't told in group though was that I actually did go out last Thursday. I hadn't even really planned on telling Amanda since I figured I was okay with letting Martha (and my blog followers) know. BUT, I just felt I had to be completely honest (esp since she said she saw me working hard and that I was doing the things I am supposed to be doing)...well I just had to be honest. So, I told her. I told her that I did go out last Thursday with the intent to drink and to stop my thoughts. AND I also told her that I learned a LOT in the one night of relapse. I told her my intent was not to continue drinking but to give myself a reprieve from wondering and wanting and the whole snowball of treatment, AA, sponsor, therapist, etc.
AND she got it! She didn't judge me nor make any harsh statements or give me the evil eye. What she did say was...I get it Heidi. You are working very hard and you needed the break. And I still give you my support in whatever you decide to do. Because no matter what, in the end I am doing what I need to do in order to manage sobriety. I go to meetings, I read from the big book, I meet with Martha, I make sure my meds are at the right levels, I meet with Lisa. (Well the above is what Amanda was re-iterating). And wow, I am always afraid to tell people what I think they won't like to hear. Well let me rephrase that...my past ways have been to fear telling people what my real thoughts are/were.***I know you may be thinking - What? You blog your life away - but that is different then saying it face to face to someone and I can blog and get it off my chest but that doesn't mean I am addressing I still have a long way to go in that arena....but I am slowly doing it. And when I told her the truth, well it was okay. I made it through, I survived another moment of working skills that I need to be working.
Monday, January 17, 2011
MLK Day
My girlfriend Chanda was in town for a few days. I went in on a dual membership for the Science Museum - so stoked about that. Today I took her to Indigo Tea in Burnsville to show her the place and so I could pick up some more loose leaf tea. Which I have come to thoroughly enjoy. My girlfriend Heather from work is the one that got me hooked on looseleaf tea when we went to Teavana at the Mall of America before Christmas.
I also saw the movie Country Strong this weekend. The movie premise was Gwyneth Paltrow was a country star that had a mental illness (though was never really declared what she suffered from) and was addicted to alcohol.
MOVIE SPOILER ALERT******
I thought she was on her way to making a comeback - and she ended up committing suicide after her awesome performance in Dallas.
This hit far too close to home for me. I have had those thoughts so many times - committing suicide because life just seems too overwhelming and my thoughts are too many and I can't see any positive coming to my life. This is how I feel when I am in my depressed mode. The movie made me cry because of this. Because I totally understood and comprehended how she felt. The despair that you feel at times and believing that death is far better than life. With death there is no more pain.
I understand and get that people can't comprehend that. And no matter what anyone says to me during these episodes, it doesn't matter. I don't believe you anyway. Hell, I barely believe anything that people tell me that IS positive. I am working on that, on accepting it. And believing it. When I have had no faith in believing anything that people told me that was good - for 45 years - I can't accept in one day or even one year that there is good in me. I am not looking for anyone to tell me these things because of my blogging. I am just trying to use my blog as therapy for me and to maybe maybe maybe help find support from the fact that I do have a mental illness and that I do have an addictive body. And that in 50% of the cases, mental illness and chemical dependency go hand in hand. About the only time that I have peace in my mind is when I drink. I know that is not in all instances because there have been many times that drinking has also uber depressed me. Of course, this is the one instance where I can focus on the fact that when I have my fun and good drinking times, that is when I don't think about anything. I am in the moment, which is where I am supposed to be. What I need to work on now is being in the moment when I am also sober. This is going to take a lot of work.
I know that there are people out there that truly believe there are no mental illnesses. And that is why NAMI is so important to me. NAMI educates people on mental illness and work hard to erase stigma. So easy to throw out the word stigma, but this is what stigma means to me. It means that when I hospitalize myself for wanting to commit suicide, I am afraid to tell work for fear of losing my job or losing any possibility of getting promoted. Because they will think I am "crazy" or a "nutcase". I am also afraid to tell them I am an alcoholic for fear of the same retribution. I don't know if work would view it that way or not, and I don't want to put myself out there to "check out" how they would interpret things. I see stigma when things like the AZ shooting basically put the shooter in the light of being "crazy or insane" when the majority of times - anyone with a mental illness is not violent. The people that I think should be feared are the ones that want to run this country off the theory of "god" and the bible and the Tea Party. These are fanatics and terrorists - in my opinion only.
So I don't know if you caught this the other day ...I did go out drinking last Thursday. So my mind would stop and also help me figure out how to quit the "flip-flopping" as they say; about drinking or not drinking. And this is why. When I went into treatment and started AA and got a sponsor and still see Lisa (which is very important to me) welll....it all moved sooo fast for me. And all of a sudden I had to do all this extra shit in addition to Lisa. And there are many aspects of AA that I don't get eye to eye on. And I am sure most of the people in treatment are court ordered. What I do know is that I have been working for a long time on my self-actualization, self-growth, self-love and now my addiction AND also try to manage my bi-polar. And try to keep the depression and the manic episodes at bay. I realize now that I am going to have to work at this always. That can also be an overwhelming thought...and so I need to keep the future thoughts at bay and bring myself back to the moment.
The same thing is also taught in AA...well heck in pretty much any type self-growth model. It is very important to keep the thoughts just in the day you are in. And wow, if that isn't a task.
Oh, (see how easily I throw myself off the point? hahaha) Anyway, so back to the drinking day. Mom asked me if I was back to drinking now which of course pissed me off. BECAUSE I thought I had relayed in my blog that I had planned for only that night. I seriously planned that was what I was going to do. So for once and for all (well okay, that is my ultimate goal) I can stop the madness. I asked Chanda if she had read that and she said she hadn't gotten that from my blog. So, my plan is to not continue drinking. In fact, I had such a headache the next day that I was like...ohhh so this is worth is - NOT. I didn't beat myself up about it though. I had made the conscious decision. And what GOOD came out of it is my realization that ya know what? When I go out drinking, it IS to stop my thoughts. It isn't to just have a couple and be done. There is obvious intent in mind. Well now I know that. And since then I have felt relief. I learned a LOT about that one night of relapse. I learned that my life is much better with sobriety. I learned that I don't want to continue to beat myself up both mentally and physically from drinking. I learned that drinking like I do does nothing positive for me. I learned that as long as I continue that road, I won't be able to go into full bi-polar or full sober recovery. And the funniest thing is, since Thursday night I haven't focused at all on wanting to go out and drink. Before it was constant - me wanting to go drink. I am learning to sit with the shitball of emotions that are just going to happen because they are part of life. And as time goes on, I am hoping hoping hoping that those times will be easier. I have to believe that because my AA friends tell me that the longer they abstain, the easier it gets. As long as they stay focused. And I am ready for that focus. Finally. I am not going to be perfect - never will be because nothing ever is. What I am working on is my attitude, my respect, my happiness and learning how I can either react negatively or positively to whatever happens in my life. I can only change myself and my thoughts and my reactions.
Anyway, if this wasn't babbling I don't know what is! :-)
I also saw the movie Country Strong this weekend. The movie premise was Gwyneth Paltrow was a country star that had a mental illness (though was never really declared what she suffered from) and was addicted to alcohol.
MOVIE SPOILER ALERT******
I thought she was on her way to making a comeback - and she ended up committing suicide after her awesome performance in Dallas.
This hit far too close to home for me. I have had those thoughts so many times - committing suicide because life just seems too overwhelming and my thoughts are too many and I can't see any positive coming to my life. This is how I feel when I am in my depressed mode. The movie made me cry because of this. Because I totally understood and comprehended how she felt. The despair that you feel at times and believing that death is far better than life. With death there is no more pain.
I understand and get that people can't comprehend that. And no matter what anyone says to me during these episodes, it doesn't matter. I don't believe you anyway. Hell, I barely believe anything that people tell me that IS positive. I am working on that, on accepting it. And believing it. When I have had no faith in believing anything that people told me that was good - for 45 years - I can't accept in one day or even one year that there is good in me. I am not looking for anyone to tell me these things because of my blogging. I am just trying to use my blog as therapy for me and to maybe maybe maybe help find support from the fact that I do have a mental illness and that I do have an addictive body. And that in 50% of the cases, mental illness and chemical dependency go hand in hand. About the only time that I have peace in my mind is when I drink. I know that is not in all instances because there have been many times that drinking has also uber depressed me. Of course, this is the one instance where I can focus on the fact that when I have my fun and good drinking times, that is when I don't think about anything. I am in the moment, which is where I am supposed to be. What I need to work on now is being in the moment when I am also sober. This is going to take a lot of work.
I know that there are people out there that truly believe there are no mental illnesses. And that is why NAMI is so important to me. NAMI educates people on mental illness and work hard to erase stigma. So easy to throw out the word stigma, but this is what stigma means to me. It means that when I hospitalize myself for wanting to commit suicide, I am afraid to tell work for fear of losing my job or losing any possibility of getting promoted. Because they will think I am "crazy" or a "nutcase". I am also afraid to tell them I am an alcoholic for fear of the same retribution. I don't know if work would view it that way or not, and I don't want to put myself out there to "check out" how they would interpret things. I see stigma when things like the AZ shooting basically put the shooter in the light of being "crazy or insane" when the majority of times - anyone with a mental illness is not violent. The people that I think should be feared are the ones that want to run this country off the theory of "god" and the bible and the Tea Party. These are fanatics and terrorists - in my opinion only.
So I don't know if you caught this the other day ...I did go out drinking last Thursday. So my mind would stop and also help me figure out how to quit the "flip-flopping" as they say; about drinking or not drinking. And this is why. When I went into treatment and started AA and got a sponsor and still see Lisa (which is very important to me) welll....it all moved sooo fast for me. And all of a sudden I had to do all this extra shit in addition to Lisa. And there are many aspects of AA that I don't get eye to eye on. And I am sure most of the people in treatment are court ordered. What I do know is that I have been working for a long time on my self-actualization, self-growth, self-love and now my addiction AND also try to manage my bi-polar. And try to keep the depression and the manic episodes at bay. I realize now that I am going to have to work at this always. That can also be an overwhelming thought...and so I need to keep the future thoughts at bay and bring myself back to the moment.
The same thing is also taught in AA...well heck in pretty much any type self-growth model. It is very important to keep the thoughts just in the day you are in. And wow, if that isn't a task.
Oh, (see how easily I throw myself off the point? hahaha) Anyway, so back to the drinking day. Mom asked me if I was back to drinking now which of course pissed me off. BECAUSE I thought I had relayed in my blog that I had planned for only that night. I seriously planned that was what I was going to do. So for once and for all (well okay, that is my ultimate goal) I can stop the madness. I asked Chanda if she had read that and she said she hadn't gotten that from my blog. So, my plan is to not continue drinking. In fact, I had such a headache the next day that I was like...ohhh so this is worth is - NOT. I didn't beat myself up about it though. I had made the conscious decision. And what GOOD came out of it is my realization that ya know what? When I go out drinking, it IS to stop my thoughts. It isn't to just have a couple and be done. There is obvious intent in mind. Well now I know that. And since then I have felt relief. I learned a LOT about that one night of relapse. I learned that my life is much better with sobriety. I learned that I don't want to continue to beat myself up both mentally and physically from drinking. I learned that drinking like I do does nothing positive for me. I learned that as long as I continue that road, I won't be able to go into full bi-polar or full sober recovery. And the funniest thing is, since Thursday night I haven't focused at all on wanting to go out and drink. Before it was constant - me wanting to go drink. I am learning to sit with the shitball of emotions that are just going to happen because they are part of life. And as time goes on, I am hoping hoping hoping that those times will be easier. I have to believe that because my AA friends tell me that the longer they abstain, the easier it gets. As long as they stay focused. And I am ready for that focus. Finally. I am not going to be perfect - never will be because nothing ever is. What I am working on is my attitude, my respect, my happiness and learning how I can either react negatively or positively to whatever happens in my life. I can only change myself and my thoughts and my reactions.
Anyway, if this wasn't babbling I don't know what is! :-)
Friday, January 14, 2011
Thoughts
One reason why I haven't been quite so awesome with my blog updates like in the past is because man do I have a lot going on...in my mind. I will also fully admit that my sponsor/friend Martha and I have pretty indepth conversations every day. A lot of it via email. The reason I really like that is because when I type things out and see the words in front of my face - a lot of "epiphany" moments and moments of clarity have occurred. I an going to copy and paste from some of my recent emails instead of re-hashing it here on my blog.
And yes, this has been edited to preserve time and space.
*Well 45-50 minutes of therapy just isn't enough time to cure me! So some things we talked about...because I dunno, I feel like I need to pass along thoughts to you and Lisa so I am on the same page with both of you. Dudette, I usually consider myself a good communicator but man, I just cannot find the words tonight.
I am going to hang with Denise tonight after work...and even though therapy was tough again in some aspects.. it wasn't nearly as horrific (not that it really was) as the last time. I still got that crap of poo in my chest - when my thoughts get uber uncomfortable but tonight I am holding on much better to my sanity. So, things we discussed:
1 - I have no idea who Heidi is. I don't know if my ups and downs are normal or not, I don't know what my "normal level" of emotions includes. I told her I feel way more chaos in my life now and have more uncertainties than when I did when I drank. Lisa's response was that I actually have more clarity. And that DOES make sense to me.I have much more clarity as to not knowing who I really am. That does sound confusing but it makes absolute sense to me.
2. And even with all this "chaos" and denial but not denial I am still going forward and still working on my self-growth. This I do know to be true. Right now, I actually feel like I am kinda spring-boarding into a whole new area of growth. Okay dammit janet...if I were still drinking, I don't THINK I would be able to push the buttons on moving forward like I am doing - or at least feel like I am doing. I don't know what my end goal is, nor do I know what it will look like...all I know is that I am going forward and I hope that I will realize when I arrive at where I am supposed to be.
3. Suicidal Ideation - I want all thoughts to go away, I don't want them to keep coming back. They seem to be increased with my not drinking and having to sit with my emotions - no matter how painful they may be. And curses....she asked me if there had ever been a time when I didn't have suicidal ideation. Ummm no - well perhaps only when I was a kid...but I have always had these thoughts ever since I have been a teenager. And wow, that was very enlightening for me. Because how or why do I expect these thoughts to go away now that I am not drinking....when they have been there forever. We kinda stopped there but as I am thinking about this...oh oh Mr Kotter...I apparently have not accepted this as part of Heidi - that suicidal thoughts will be with me for the rest of my life. So I guess I am going to hope that I can at least minimize the amount of times they seep into my brain.
4. ACCEPTANCE ACCEPTANCE ACCEPTANCE - I told her that in the past month and half of not drinking and meeting with you on a weekly basis I find that I have not accepted so many things in my life. Two biggies, well three....still my parents divorce, my drinking and my eating to hide my emotions - to not feel them. What have I accepted? Therapy, Asset to my job/company (okay I can't remember the others right now)
I think the complete underlying theme here issss....I do not know what my identity is...I do not know Heidi as the full complete human being that she is.*
ANDDD here is the email this morning.....
*So this is kinda how I feel about what I did last night. For whatever reason, my resolve to stay sober was not as strong as it has been through all the other times. And 24 hours never even crossed my mind. Even though I had the coins in my pocket. I didn't even touch them. I even sat in my car for a bit before I went into Granite City. I knew that I could not go in and just have a couple glasses - that never even entered my mind either. Drinking responsibly. So it wasn't even about testing the waters. I just wanted to drink and not have to think about not drinking. And the night before one of the guys at the bar ( I went and hung out with Denise) had asked if I was going to come up to the Crowne Thursday night....and he said I should. And so my thought was I will go drink, get a damn good buzz on and go to this room - (I went to the Crowne after a few glasses at Granite City). Funny thing happened along the way though. Maybe because I was already in a crabby mood from the day. But I was annoyed by the guy and I had no desire to even go to his room. In fact, even though I was buzzed up good - I remained half-assed "wise" in deciding not to go have sex with anyone. So maybe SOME of what I have been learning is eeking into my head! :-)
Anyway....and maybe I was testing the waters. Not so much as in limiting the amount I drank....but maybe to pinch me or kick me or whatever. I think for me it kinda goes back to me feeling like everything was moving so fast for me. I will say that I do not regret that at all. But as a month and a half or whatever has gone by I have done a lot of self-evaluating. And for me, being armed with some of those tools is helping me today. As in, even though I was beating myself up earlier...now that I am up and doing stuff there is kindofa calm that has come over me. I hope it stays. The calm I mean is...(damned elusive words ...not sure if this will make sense) I don't feel like I have to fight this like I have been fighting - my sobriety. I want this now. I want sobriety. Even with all the bad days I had in my recent sober days....no matter what I always felt so much better. I want that. I want to feel better emotionally, mentally and physically.
So Divine Miss M...I want to start working on this again. And I don't have a plan or anything on how I want to accomplish this. AA is part of it however. I want to go to the meeting tonight. Am I accepting this now? I don't know. I am not sure I know what that is. But I feel like I am ready to ...I was going to say give up - put up the white flag in the battle - but I think what I really need to say (dammit) is that I am pretty sure I am ready to turn this over to my hp printer ***ALERT - I have huge struggles with the Higher Power idea so I call it my HP Printer***. Though I am not sure that I know how to do that or what that looks like. I just know that I want whatever serenity I can achieve in my life.
So with all this being said - I don't really know what the next step is and I am not going to think or dwell on it. Whatever the next step is in this process will come in whatever way.
I feel relief once again.
I guess the reason I am rambling on about the above stuff is because of all the unchartered waters I am currently going through. It may not really seem like a big deal to people...I know I am not supposed to compare myself to anyone else...but I am trying to keep my thoughts on a rational plane...(ha like I even know what that is)....I "think" a lot of all the floundering and unease and whatever I have been feeling is because there are a LOT of new thoughts going on in my mind and I am trying to figure them out and sort them out. Again I don't know if any of this makes sense. And perhaps it just goes back to me not trying to make sense. Just letting it be. I need help and training in just "letting it be".*
So now that some of the deep thoughts of Heidigaga have been shared. Other nonsensical ramblings. Last night was my first night of class again. While I didn't realize that I had signed up for a hybrid/blended class I didn't even know what that was. As a class we will meet in person every other week and then the opposite weeks will be all online. So CURSES! I still have online classes. Hopefully it won't be as much of a killer as last semester. And I am getting closer to seeing the end of the tunnel. I should be graduating in Spring of 2012 assuming I figured everything out right. The Thursday night class is a Principles of Management and my Saturday morning class will be an Accounting level 200 class.
Another thing that I did this week and am pretty proud of myself ---it may seem insignificant to just about everyone else - but I went and deleted ALL numbers and email addresses of ALL "unhealthy" people in my life. I don't mean they are unhealthy, but my relationship with them is unhealthy for me. And the biggest one of all - was my ex Craig from CT from 10 years ago. Everytime I went out I would still try to see him if even for a few minutes at Bridgeport while he was working there. Up until this summer I still called most days and talked with him. Often emailed him. And yeah, so 10 years later I am finally moving on. And I needed to do this sooo long ago but as I tell people - I am a relationship whore. I hang on and hang on and hang on. I am getting MUCH better though. I am working hard on letting things go in my life that I need to let go. It sure ain't easy. And it is usually a painful and sometimes hurtful process for me. One can say the old adage of no pain no gain....you can look at that physically...but it works emotionally for me too. I don't like it, I don't want to do it, I want to fight it, I want to push it outta my way....AND I am doing it. My steps are baby baby steps but I AM doing it. Deleting those contacts out of my life was not easy - because I do hang on. And it felt good. And I am going to try and stop looking at the past and really try to be in the moment. Which is something I have been focusing on being successful at for a very long time. It is tough though....thougher than I ever imagined. My thoughts are clearest and less emotionally hurtful when I manage being in the moment.
And yes, this has been edited to preserve time and space.
*Well 45-50 minutes of therapy just isn't enough time to cure me! So some things we talked about...because I dunno, I feel like I need to pass along thoughts to you and Lisa so I am on the same page with both of you. Dudette, I usually consider myself a good communicator but man, I just cannot find the words tonight.
I am going to hang with Denise tonight after work...and even though therapy was tough again in some aspects.. it wasn't nearly as horrific (not that it really was) as the last time. I still got that crap of poo in my chest - when my thoughts get uber uncomfortable but tonight I am holding on much better to my sanity. So, things we discussed:
1 - I have no idea who Heidi is. I don't know if my ups and downs are normal or not, I don't know what my "normal level" of emotions includes. I told her I feel way more chaos in my life now and have more uncertainties than when I did when I drank. Lisa's response was that I actually have more clarity. And that DOES make sense to me.I have much more clarity as to not knowing who I really am. That does sound confusing but it makes absolute sense to me.
2. And even with all this "chaos" and denial but not denial I am still going forward and still working on my self-growth. This I do know to be true. Right now, I actually feel like I am kinda spring-boarding into a whole new area of growth. Okay dammit janet...if I were still drinking, I don't THINK I would be able to push the buttons on moving forward like I am doing - or at least feel like I am doing. I don't know what my end goal is, nor do I know what it will look like...all I know is that I am going forward and I hope that I will realize when I arrive at where I am supposed to be.
3. Suicidal Ideation - I want all thoughts to go away, I don't want them to keep coming back. They seem to be increased with my not drinking and having to sit with my emotions - no matter how painful they may be. And curses....she asked me if there had ever been a time when I didn't have suicidal ideation. Ummm no - well perhaps only when I was a kid...but I have always had these thoughts ever since I have been a teenager. And wow, that was very enlightening for me. Because how or why do I expect these thoughts to go away now that I am not drinking....when they have been there forever. We kinda stopped there but as I am thinking about this...oh oh Mr Kotter...I apparently have not accepted this as part of Heidi - that suicidal thoughts will be with me for the rest of my life. So I guess I am going to hope that I can at least minimize the amount of times they seep into my brain.
4. ACCEPTANCE ACCEPTANCE ACCEPTANCE - I told her that in the past month and half of not drinking and meeting with you on a weekly basis I find that I have not accepted so many things in my life. Two biggies, well three....still my parents divorce, my drinking and my eating to hide my emotions - to not feel them. What have I accepted? Therapy, Asset to my job/company (okay I can't remember the others right now)
I think the complete underlying theme here issss....I do not know what my identity is...I do not know Heidi as the full complete human being that she is.*
ANDDD here is the email this morning.....
*So this is kinda how I feel about what I did last night. For whatever reason, my resolve to stay sober was not as strong as it has been through all the other times. And 24 hours never even crossed my mind. Even though I had the coins in my pocket. I didn't even touch them. I even sat in my car for a bit before I went into Granite City. I knew that I could not go in and just have a couple glasses - that never even entered my mind either. Drinking responsibly. So it wasn't even about testing the waters. I just wanted to drink and not have to think about not drinking. And the night before one of the guys at the bar ( I went and hung out with Denise) had asked if I was going to come up to the Crowne Thursday night....and he said I should. And so my thought was I will go drink, get a damn good buzz on and go to this room - (I went to the Crowne after a few glasses at Granite City). Funny thing happened along the way though. Maybe because I was already in a crabby mood from the day. But I was annoyed by the guy and I had no desire to even go to his room. In fact, even though I was buzzed up good - I remained half-assed "wise" in deciding not to go have sex with anyone. So maybe SOME of what I have been learning is eeking into my head! :-)
Anyway....and maybe I was testing the waters. Not so much as in limiting the amount I drank....but maybe to pinch me or kick me or whatever. I think for me it kinda goes back to me feeling like everything was moving so fast for me. I will say that I do not regret that at all. But as a month and a half or whatever has gone by I have done a lot of self-evaluating. And for me, being armed with some of those tools is helping me today. As in, even though I was beating myself up earlier...now that I am up and doing stuff there is kindofa calm that has come over me. I hope it stays. The calm I mean is...(damned elusive words ...not sure if this will make sense) I don't feel like I have to fight this like I have been fighting - my sobriety. I want this now. I want sobriety. Even with all the bad days I had in my recent sober days....no matter what I always felt so much better. I want that. I want to feel better emotionally, mentally and physically.
So Divine Miss M...I want to start working on this again. And I don't have a plan or anything on how I want to accomplish this. AA is part of it however. I want to go to the meeting tonight. Am I accepting this now? I don't know. I am not sure I know what that is. But I feel like I am ready to ...I was going to say give up - put up the white flag in the battle - but I think what I really need to say (dammit) is that I am pretty sure I am ready to turn this over to my hp printer ***ALERT - I have huge struggles with the Higher Power idea so I call it my HP Printer***. Though I am not sure that I know how to do that or what that looks like. I just know that I want whatever serenity I can achieve in my life.
So with all this being said - I don't really know what the next step is and I am not going to think or dwell on it. Whatever the next step is in this process will come in whatever way.
I feel relief once again.
I guess the reason I am rambling on about the above stuff is because of all the unchartered waters I am currently going through. It may not really seem like a big deal to people...I know I am not supposed to compare myself to anyone else...but I am trying to keep my thoughts on a rational plane...(ha like I even know what that is)....I "think" a lot of all the floundering and unease and whatever I have been feeling is because there are a LOT of new thoughts going on in my mind and I am trying to figure them out and sort them out. Again I don't know if any of this makes sense. And perhaps it just goes back to me not trying to make sense. Just letting it be. I need help and training in just "letting it be".*
So now that some of the deep thoughts of Heidigaga have been shared. Other nonsensical ramblings. Last night was my first night of class again. While I didn't realize that I had signed up for a hybrid/blended class I didn't even know what that was. As a class we will meet in person every other week and then the opposite weeks will be all online. So CURSES! I still have online classes. Hopefully it won't be as much of a killer as last semester. And I am getting closer to seeing the end of the tunnel. I should be graduating in Spring of 2012 assuming I figured everything out right. The Thursday night class is a Principles of Management and my Saturday morning class will be an Accounting level 200 class.
Another thing that I did this week and am pretty proud of myself ---it may seem insignificant to just about everyone else - but I went and deleted ALL numbers and email addresses of ALL "unhealthy" people in my life. I don't mean they are unhealthy, but my relationship with them is unhealthy for me. And the biggest one of all - was my ex Craig from CT from 10 years ago. Everytime I went out I would still try to see him if even for a few minutes at Bridgeport while he was working there. Up until this summer I still called most days and talked with him. Often emailed him. And yeah, so 10 years later I am finally moving on. And I needed to do this sooo long ago but as I tell people - I am a relationship whore. I hang on and hang on and hang on. I am getting MUCH better though. I am working hard on letting things go in my life that I need to let go. It sure ain't easy. And it is usually a painful and sometimes hurtful process for me. One can say the old adage of no pain no gain....you can look at that physically...but it works emotionally for me too. I don't like it, I don't want to do it, I want to fight it, I want to push it outta my way....AND I am doing it. My steps are baby baby steps but I AM doing it. Deleting those contacts out of my life was not easy - because I do hang on. And it felt good. And I am going to try and stop looking at the past and really try to be in the moment. Which is something I have been focusing on being successful at for a very long time. It is tough though....thougher than I ever imagined. My thoughts are clearest and less emotionally hurtful when I manage being in the moment.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Addendum
So I guess the Woman's Day article is wanting a different spin (or did I say that in my previous post) and wants to do an interview on someone that is working, etc and living with a mental illness.
I messaged Sue - Director of NAMI MN to let her know I spoke with National and this was her response -
So that was cool.
I messaged Sue - Director of NAMI MN to let her know I spoke with National and this was her response -
You were an easy choice - working, going to school. smart and funny!!
So that was cool.
Possible Woman's Day article on me
NAMI National asked Sue Abderholden (Director of NAMI MN) for the name of a woman to do a national article on regarding mental health and the stigma. Sue gave my name as a possibility. I just spoke with Katrina from National NAMI. She also has the name of another woman. Katrina got just a quick bit of info on me that she will pass along to Woman's Day and then they will decide I guess. Here was the email I got from Katrina:
Sue Abderholden gave me your name as someone who might be interested in interviewing with Woman’s Day magazine on a story they are doing on the impact of stigma.
Heidi:
Sue Abderholden gave me your name as someone who might be interested in interviewing with Woman’s Day magazine on a story they are doing on the impact of stigma.
I am the Director of Communications for NAMI and work closely with Woman’s Day on mental health stories regularly. They are a talented bunch and have the capacity to reach millions of Americans, primarily women, with messages of hope and resource.
I can give you more details on the phone, if that works for you. Please let me know if we can talk—soonest is best as I believe they are on a deadline.
Thank you!
That would be very cool if they picked me.
I am doing some massive rapid cycling in my moods these days. I go up and down up and down. It is really driving me crazy (so to speak). I see my psychiatrist one of these days this week and I can't wait. I didn't do any med changes last month since I had just started embarking on sobriety. Now though, I think that I need to do some changes. If I don't get some stabilization I seriously am going to end up doing something that will NOT be good for my mental health. I have been struggling a lot with sobriety...not so much that I am craving it...but more that I have been so emotional - sad, happy, depressed, manic and allll coming on so fast. I don't like it at all. And of course, what would I love to do instead of feeling all these emotions? Drink. Thank gawd I have a busy life is all I can say. As long as I stay busy I can sorta keep my mind pre-occupied. And the more I do that, the easier it is to go home and be with myself when the day is done.
Saturday I took Abby and Kelsey out to lunch at Ho King Chinese in Cottage Grove. That is one of their favorite places and it felt good to just hang with them. It has been a long time. I was kinda sad after because I haven't gone and done anything with them for awhile. I am going to try and make a better effort now. Tho, they are both teenagers now (it was Abby's birthday which is why I took them to lunch) and both super busy so I get it. And besides, when you are a teenager do you really want to hang out with old folks? ;-)
I have an appt with Lisa this week too. Seems like forever since I saw her. I think it's only been a few weeks. But I really need to see her. Got a list of things I want to talk with her about. I doubt that I will get through everything in a session.
I also see my podiatrist this week to see if I can wear actual shoes now and can stop wearing the special sandal. I am torn about it. I want to wear shoes but my toe still seems pretty sensitive so not sure how I feel about it. Just having my blankets over my foot at night is still a pretty sensitive issue. I have to hang my foot out sometimes. And then of course Gertie thinks it time to play with my toes then. hahahaha
I am meeting with my 2nd line manager Deb to discuss my Career Development. Remember that she spoke with me a few months ago about some upcoming opportunities? Well I brought that up to her today - just letting her know that I would be interested in whatever upcoming opportunities there are - I know that it will be soon for a couple people to retire. I think one of the guys will retire in March.
So yeah, it's only Monday and it's turning out to be a pretty good week already. Gotta keep the momentum going. I am going to keep the blog light for today. Good things are on my plate so gonna keep the mood up.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
30 days
Martha came by this morning before she went to work and we worked some AA stuff together and she presented my 30 day medallion. What does this mean? I haven't drank for a month now. My monthly date after this will be the 6th of each month - unless of course I relapse which I can't deny could happen. Hopefully not but I am human. Even if I DO think I am Wonder Woman! :-) She gave my medallion to me today because this was the start date of my first 24 hours - and the full completion date is the 6th. Anyway, I don't really want to go into any further details because it is supposed to be anonymous. I know that most people know about the Recovery medallions/coins though so I don't feel like I am giving away anything that is unknown.
It was nice to have some chillaxin time before work because I am usually running out the door.
Today I was in a super awesome mood all day...though I am starting to come down a bit and feeling tired. Although I have only had about 10 hours of sleep in the past three days so that is to be expected. I don't really like all this hyper cycling I am doing. As in one day I am having suicidal ideation and the next day I am on top of the world. That is part of bipolar but usually if I am in a mood it lasts longer. I know that others have said they are all over the place in emotions and moods when they first start the recovery process. I just hope it doesn't last much longer because it is beginning to drive me batty.
So I thought I had to work Saturday - that it was mandatory and now it's not. Now what do I do? I could come in anyway and I just might. But I really really wanted to getaway before school starts which is next week. And I didn't think I was going to get to do that. What to do, what to do.
Anyway, people are lurking about my desk at work so will end this for now.
It was nice to have some chillaxin time before work because I am usually running out the door.
Today I was in a super awesome mood all day...though I am starting to come down a bit and feeling tired. Although I have only had about 10 hours of sleep in the past three days so that is to be expected. I don't really like all this hyper cycling I am doing. As in one day I am having suicidal ideation and the next day I am on top of the world. That is part of bipolar but usually if I am in a mood it lasts longer. I know that others have said they are all over the place in emotions and moods when they first start the recovery process. I just hope it doesn't last much longer because it is beginning to drive me batty.
So I thought I had to work Saturday - that it was mandatory and now it's not. Now what do I do? I could come in anyway and I just might. But I really really wanted to getaway before school starts which is next week. And I didn't think I was going to get to do that. What to do, what to do.
Anyway, people are lurking about my desk at work so will end this for now.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I am alive
I figured I better catch up on some blogging before people forget about me! So this whole drinking thing (well not drinking now) has really brought my emotions to the surface and I am hating it. I think I have blogged about this recently, but man. It just didn't click with me until the past couple weeks just how much I have ignored my emotions forever. I hate that I cry at the drop of a hat now. Of course Lisa thinks that is a good thing! I suppose it is. But I still don't like it one bit.
There have been quite a few days lately that have been such a struggle and I have wanted to drink. It was always so nice to just drink and forget about things and to be in the moment. Which is where we are supposed to be. I don't know if the majority of people are like that but that is what I am learning to do. I mean, I did focus on that a lot in DBT and was pretty successful...and we talk about it a lot in Treatment at Tapestry. However, it is so very difficult to try and keep working all these steps to maintain abstinence from things such as my overeating, overdrinking, and everything else that I consider an addiction to so to speak. One thing in Treatment today - that I learned - is that addicts tend to do everything to the Nth degree - I can totally see that. Whatever I do, I have to go at it full steam when I decide to do it.
Next week I have a Get to Know NAMI spiel again. I am trying to decide if I should alter it to now include the fact that I am/was/working on my chemical dependency. I am thinking I should. I still want to keep the humor in it but I also need to let people know about what it's like having bipolar symptoms and a chemical dependency. I know I posted my NAMI Spring Gala speech last spring when I did it, which is what I have been using for the Get To Know NAMI. If I do tweak it, I will repost.
So NYE night I went to an AA meeting at 6pm and had all intention to go do something after the fact but wasn't sure what that was. Anyway it was so damn cold that I went home instead and watched Out of Africa that Russ gave me for Christmas - lit some candles and chillaxed. Only to fall asleep the last hour of the movie so I just went to bed at 11. I wasn't getting kissed by anyone anyway! ha!
I booked a flight for Connecticut from January 26-30 and got the time off today from my manager. I am so excited for that trip and so need it. I didn't make it there at all last year and those friendships are so near and dear to me. It pains me to think I have stayed away so long. Luckily work is uber busy until then so the time should pass quickly. I even have 2 babies to meet that are now almost 1 year old both of them. That kinda makes me sad too that I didn't get to see them earlier. Well that is my fault. I don't regret the trip out West to Seattle though - which I did last summer. That is what ate up a lot of my vacation time. It was such a blast.
All my CT peeps though that I am friends with on FB are super excited to see me. And I as well.
My life these days involves meeting other sober friends and attending AA meetings when I can. I still have a huge defense up against the whole god thing but the people are fun and nice. And I met a new friend through Martha that also rides motorcycle so that will be good for a riding partner.
I am kinda jumping around here. Anyway. So back to the struggles. Well I don't know if it's necessarily a craving as in physical to where I feel like I must have a drink to feel better physically. It is about wanting to drink when I am having a shitty day. Or at least what I perceive as a shitty day. I suppose it is really in one own's perception. Problem is when I am struggling with my emotions, I want to drink to forget. And then I go into the whole suicidal ideation thing. I have probably said this a million times - but the suicidal ideation does not go away. I can only hope that as time goes on it is less frequent. When I am having my low days...well heck even when I have good days sometimes...as I drive all I can think about is hoping I would get into a car accident and be killed instantly. Or the other day my heart was aching so bad (this was last Thursday when I sat outside of a liquor store debating what I should do....and no I did not go in)....but all I could think about was taking a knife and ripping my heart out to feel no pain. I know that if you don't have a mental illness that you don't really get it. But I am just blogging because it is my "journaling" to some degree and to help try to explain what it's like living with a mental illness. If one can even get their point across. I guess it goes back to when I said I don't understand the whole shoplifting deal. So I do get that if you don't live with the symptoms one can't really get what I am going through, or what anyone with a mental illness goes through. I can't get anyone to understand nor do I want to - I just want to share my thoughts and how things are for me.
I suppose this post is kinda down in the dumps - I have only had about 6 hours in the past few days for sleep so that doesn't help matters. The elusive sleep.
My nephew Travis was in town for Christmas and it was great to see him - however fleeting it was! I took him back to the airport on Sunday. Mom, Greg, Julie, Don, Travis, his girlriend Amanda, Jon, Genevieve, Penelope and I all met at IHOP behind the Mall of America for breakfast before he went back on the plane. He looks so good and has become such a gentleman.
So I guess my ramblings are done for now. Continuing to work on integrating AA and sober people in my life so that it's easier for me to stay away from alcohol. People may or may not like it, but it is what it is.
There have been quite a few days lately that have been such a struggle and I have wanted to drink. It was always so nice to just drink and forget about things and to be in the moment. Which is where we are supposed to be. I don't know if the majority of people are like that but that is what I am learning to do. I mean, I did focus on that a lot in DBT and was pretty successful...and we talk about it a lot in Treatment at Tapestry. However, it is so very difficult to try and keep working all these steps to maintain abstinence from things such as my overeating, overdrinking, and everything else that I consider an addiction to so to speak. One thing in Treatment today - that I learned - is that addicts tend to do everything to the Nth degree - I can totally see that. Whatever I do, I have to go at it full steam when I decide to do it.
Next week I have a Get to Know NAMI spiel again. I am trying to decide if I should alter it to now include the fact that I am/was/working on my chemical dependency. I am thinking I should. I still want to keep the humor in it but I also need to let people know about what it's like having bipolar symptoms and a chemical dependency. I know I posted my NAMI Spring Gala speech last spring when I did it, which is what I have been using for the Get To Know NAMI. If I do tweak it, I will repost.
So NYE night I went to an AA meeting at 6pm and had all intention to go do something after the fact but wasn't sure what that was. Anyway it was so damn cold that I went home instead and watched Out of Africa that Russ gave me for Christmas - lit some candles and chillaxed. Only to fall asleep the last hour of the movie so I just went to bed at 11. I wasn't getting kissed by anyone anyway! ha!
I booked a flight for Connecticut from January 26-30 and got the time off today from my manager. I am so excited for that trip and so need it. I didn't make it there at all last year and those friendships are so near and dear to me. It pains me to think I have stayed away so long. Luckily work is uber busy until then so the time should pass quickly. I even have 2 babies to meet that are now almost 1 year old both of them. That kinda makes me sad too that I didn't get to see them earlier. Well that is my fault. I don't regret the trip out West to Seattle though - which I did last summer. That is what ate up a lot of my vacation time. It was such a blast.
All my CT peeps though that I am friends with on FB are super excited to see me. And I as well.
My life these days involves meeting other sober friends and attending AA meetings when I can. I still have a huge defense up against the whole god thing but the people are fun and nice. And I met a new friend through Martha that also rides motorcycle so that will be good for a riding partner.
I am kinda jumping around here. Anyway. So back to the struggles. Well I don't know if it's necessarily a craving as in physical to where I feel like I must have a drink to feel better physically. It is about wanting to drink when I am having a shitty day. Or at least what I perceive as a shitty day. I suppose it is really in one own's perception. Problem is when I am struggling with my emotions, I want to drink to forget. And then I go into the whole suicidal ideation thing. I have probably said this a million times - but the suicidal ideation does not go away. I can only hope that as time goes on it is less frequent. When I am having my low days...well heck even when I have good days sometimes...as I drive all I can think about is hoping I would get into a car accident and be killed instantly. Or the other day my heart was aching so bad (this was last Thursday when I sat outside of a liquor store debating what I should do....and no I did not go in)....but all I could think about was taking a knife and ripping my heart out to feel no pain. I know that if you don't have a mental illness that you don't really get it. But I am just blogging because it is my "journaling" to some degree and to help try to explain what it's like living with a mental illness. If one can even get their point across. I guess it goes back to when I said I don't understand the whole shoplifting deal. So I do get that if you don't live with the symptoms one can't really get what I am going through, or what anyone with a mental illness goes through. I can't get anyone to understand nor do I want to - I just want to share my thoughts and how things are for me.
I suppose this post is kinda down in the dumps - I have only had about 6 hours in the past few days for sleep so that doesn't help matters. The elusive sleep.
My nephew Travis was in town for Christmas and it was great to see him - however fleeting it was! I took him back to the airport on Sunday. Mom, Greg, Julie, Don, Travis, his girlriend Amanda, Jon, Genevieve, Penelope and I all met at IHOP behind the Mall of America for breakfast before he went back on the plane. He looks so good and has become such a gentleman.
So I guess my ramblings are done for now. Continuing to work on integrating AA and sober people in my life so that it's easier for me to stay away from alcohol. People may or may not like it, but it is what it is.
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