Another suicide attempt from a friend - unsuccesful tho

One of my AA peeps who is also MI/CD - she suffers with Borderline Personality Disorder has tried 3 times in the past few months to commit suicide. Two of the times - her dog saved her. Really. One time she had taken her dog in the car with her (to die from the fumes in the garage) and the dog woke her her. This most recent time - her dog woke her husband as she was trying to kill herself again with the fumes. I love that girl. (well actually she is a woman)....and this is really bringing just  how severe a mental illness can affect a person. Not that I haven't known that because I so very many times feel the same way. She is at Fairview Riverside hospital so was able to sneak away from work for a bit. I don't know how long she is going to be in there.

Here is the kicker. She can't find any place to stay for MI/CD that isn't a locked unit because you have to be "stable aka suicide free" for 30 days. At the moment it seems like the only option she has is to go to the Anoka Regional Treatment Center. I do believe that is a locked unit also but not 100% sure.

Oh the irony. Mental Health is one messy illness to deal with and shouldn't be. Would some place turn away a person that has some other illness like that?

I took some NAMI literature to her also.  Along with a Get Well card and a Rice Krispie bar that you can buy at the store for a treat!

Other AA chicas that I love and are closer too were also there. And so they get the chemical dependency side - but not the mental health angle. I totally get what Patte is going through. And so I was able to be an extra source of support because of that. And it made me feel good. After when we all left- the other 3 chicas said they were very glad I was able to come too - since I could understand the mental health aspect and be able to empathize with Patte on those terms.

Anyway - and then Fr Reiser passed away from brain cancer. He was a big influence in all of our lives. He was the priest at Epiphany where we went to school until 9th grade (well Julie and I - Jon and Michele maybe 4th and 5th? I can't remember?. Anyway he was a very spiritual man, gave great homilies at Mass....and was a great ball of energy. He built Epiphany! He created the strong community! He will be missed by many and also remembered with lots of love and warmth and kindness.  He went up north to Lancaster MN (6 hours north) to do my grandma Jerome's funeral because she had lived with us and loved him. And he did and he was awesome. She died in 1978. I still remember all that vividly. She died on my birthday that year. That was a traumatic time in my life also. Trauma often kicks in the predisposition for a mental illness.  You may think of trauma as just a physical thing but it's not. It can be many different things in life. Peace to Fr Reiser. He is in a MUCH better place now.

I had to type this out....

I am reading a series of books called Conversations with God - thoroughly enjoying them and lots of good stuff to ponder.  To help me with my spirituality.

Unfortunately -(or perhaps fortunately) during my reading today I realized this is what I have been doing....

"What you resist persists. That is because, by your continued attention to it in a negative way, you continue to place it there. You cannot resist something that is not there. When you resist something, you place it there. By focusing angry or frustrated energy on it, you actually give it more life."

That says a LOT to me and what is going on with me right now. And this is exactly what I needed to read today. My anger about my life - my resistance - is keeping the fire of anger stoked. Please God - let me finally be ready to just move ahead. And start doing serious work on my anger.

And I just felt a spark of peace again....

Randomness

Last Thursday - no Wednesday I did have surgery on my nose from my fall. I am glad I did it. Took away the pain within a day. Michele was off work so she was able to take me there and back home. I am always amazed at the world of anesthesiology. It is so weird to see them prepping - then the next thing I know I am getting wheeled out of the room - groggy but aware of surroundings.

Friday Julie and I went to the Albertville Outlet Mall. Saturday I spent Christmas Eve with the Bears and then Christmas morn at Michele's before I went to work. These two days of work are excruciatingly slow and drawn out. I am hoping to get a motorcycle ride in sometime this week!  It is supposed to be near the 50s all week I believe!

Thursday I spent a lot of time at Guild. That is a safe place for me. 

I had a momentary freak out about the side effects of antabuse - so I did talk to Dr Gulden (my psychiatrist about it) and he also gave me a pamphlet. Regardless I will have to watch labels - not just for sugar now but for alcohol of any kind.

Yes Yes I am doing the right thing. But man - I so sometimes wish I had just remained ignorant and in the dark and not wanted to do any growth or health management of any kind. I have had my rantings and kickings and screamings about it now....I want to be done with all my anger. Anger about my life. I think that in the end - as I am typing this - this is what all of this is about. Anger. I have talked a lot about that with Lisa - but not so much about the anger I have about my life but anger about what things have occurred. And now I think it is serious time to take a look at anger with myself. Perhaps this is the next "piece" I need to work on. I was doing really good with working on some deep stuff - but now kinda stagnated. Seems like it occurred sometime around DBT. Maybe I lost focus. I don't know. What I do know - is that I am not a good multi-tasker and I am not a big fan of it. When I get tossed into trying to do 40 things all at the same time - I end up spinning wheels and not getting very far on anything. I have known this for awhile - but not really done too much about it. Maybe it is because another year is done- maybe because school is starting up again - so another chapter is continuing. I don't know.

Lisa and Dr Gulden - well - they want me to seriously think about treatment again. The tumble on the ice - well they are pushing me. Dr Gulden talked to me about a place in Burnsville called River Ridge which is supposed to be good and focuses on MI/CD. Lisa asked if I had looked up any information about it. I said no. She had the information printed out for me. So since it is quiet at work I will look through it. I just don't know. I feel like I have so much on my plate again. Things that I want to do. And maybe it is just another excuse for me. In the end what it all really comes down to is just doing it. I just need to make a full commitment that yes - when life gets shitty in my mind - I don't have to drink about it.Because I get through it. It is just those damn damn damn suicide thoughts that I struggle with so much. Well, and not even just the suicide thoughts. I just hate hate hate feeling crappy at all. And I want my emotions to go away. I have to accept they are part of my life.  And I know I can live through the crap - I have done it.  I think the big scare for me last time was that I nearly totaled my car. That was a big shake up. I don't want to have to get to that point again. That I crack up a car or get a DUI.

So, trying trying trying. I know I know I know that once I am okay with sitting with any emotions - okay with accepting my emotions - that say will be the big hurdle day(s). However long that takes.

Back to my ignorance is bliss. I sometimes wish I had never started down the path of enlightenment. And now I am too far into it. I can only keep going forward even when I do fall back. I have to keep telling myself that.

I wonder if a lot of my tailspin has also been part of the gastric bypass. I don't want to say that my life is in a tailspin per se - but it is out of control to some degree. Again - due to drinking. And I started drinking (testing the waters) after my gastric bypass - after 5 years of sobriety. I know I have said this numerous times - but dangit - Learning to live life now - with a different eating lifestyle - and now also once again taking alcohol away. I think that is where my fight and anger and angst and all the crap that is sitting inside me - that is where it is coming from. And so really - this is just the beginning of my life now. At 46 years of age. Learning how to cope with no binging of any kind to stuff feelings. Wow. Typing this out in black and white - sometimes I just have to see the words for them to make sense to me. They make sense - now I have to live it.

I am expecting my life to get to perfection at some point. While I know that is soooo not true. I feel like okay - no more drinking, no more over-eating, healthy - physically and mentally....huh, so then what do I work on. OMG my addictive ball that I am. I just have to overdo and over-expect everything I swear. And DEFINITELY over think! I have known that for a very long time.  Anyhoo - I am going to see the movie Chipwrecked with my gf Anna on Saturday and then heading to Mom and Greg's to make Prime Rib for New Years' Eve. Small and intimate and quiet NYE. I am not so much for the large gatherings anymore. Guess maybe because I am trying to find that peace again that I felt a bit back....and I really need to learn to sit with myself and be okay with myself.

Conversations with God

This is a series of books I am reading and really enjoy. Here is a quote from what I read today...

"This is the purpose of all life. Life is an ongoing, never-ending process of re-creation. You keep re-creating yourselves in the image of your next highest idea about yourselves" Conversations with God - Book II

This says a lot to me after my blog yesterday. I am in an ongoing process of re-creation. Now THAT makes sense to me.

I am having surgery tomorrow to correct the fracture in my nose (found out today) from when I fell on the ice. It will be a quick procedure and they put me under using the "twilight" method - which I have experienced when I had a colonoscopy. I remember watching it and the next thing I knew I was waking up on a gurney and didn't really remember much. It is weird.

Anyway - back to the book. I highly recommend going to the library and checking them out if they are there. I bought mine so I can re-read as needed.

Disulfiram/Antabuse

Holy crap this is serious shit!  Check out this link to tell you the side effects, what can happen, what not to ingest (like even red wine vinegar when cooking, or even perfumes can affect you)

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0000726/

Well, I wanted to go hard core - so that I pay attention and do what I need to do. And if that drug is going to be a massive deterrant then so be it. This means I am serious. It also means more label reading for me. UGH. I dunno man - it's like I am striving to be a perfect person and that just won't happen. And yet it seems like there is something I always want to work on. Blech. Again - looking into the future instead of just staying here in the moment. I have to continually bring myself back.

I almost want to say *eff it. I don't want to keep doing these things. These things in which I "perceive" I will be a "better person". Although it really is about just treating my body in a healthy way - and my mind. Just some days I don't want to keep doing this. I feel like the work is too hard - and then to live life and blah blah blah. 

So on a happy note for me...Steven Christopher came up to me today - to see ME (he is my 3rd line - I think like 4th down from the CEO) so yeah- it is cool. Anyway - he came to give me some updates on Verizon. I have become the vendor 'ho with our telcos. I work to hold them accountable when they aren't performing their jobs within the SLA's (Service Level Agreement) allotted in the contract between us and them (as in, with a Priority 1 incident, we are supposed to have a 4 hour resolution).  Now granted, we all know that there will be no perfection in that - but they are failing to achieve that SLA 25-30% of the time. Steven Christopher is going to even higher Executive level management and showing the facts. This has been beneficial. Anyhoo - he came up to me to day to let me know the latest...that the telco finally 'fessed up to not having enough staff. Well at least that is the story they are telling us.  So our incident tickets are sitting in a queue for however long because they don't have enough engineers. Whatev! It was cool for him to swing by and let me know the latest tho!

I am working real hard to not get upset or mad at myself when I am not doing what is healthy for me. I finally went grocery shopping again so I can do some more cooking.  I am trying to accept that life is an ebb and flow.....maybe. ;-)

So I had some thoughts about Russ the Handyman because he is so fickle sometimes and that is uber annoying to me. I don't THINK I will totally scrap him because if nothing else he is a fun date when he actually sticks to what he says he will do...HIIII-EVERRRRR....as I am embarking on the sobriety path again...I know that for me to be successful, it would behoove me to also be with a healthy relationship with a non-drinker. In fact, it will have to be. I can't take it otherwise. So yeah - Russ will be my stepping stone. Next time around - I just might hit the jackpot - if I want to.  I am wishy-washy on that whole relationship thing. And maybe it is just about finding the right person. Who knows?  Or maybe it is about me doing my volunteering and school and all that I have going on. Who knows? Not gonna dwell on it. Well I say that though I think we all know that I am a dweller, and a seether, and full of anger, and, and...I just continue to work on those things. Because I am also loving, and compassionate, and have a big heart. These things I know to be true.

St Joe's NAMI in the Lobby

I met with the Volunteer Coordinator of St Joe's on Friday. She is VERY cool! Her name is Liz. She just started there and said that I am her "guinea pig" for the NAMI in the Lobby since she came on board. I guess there were other people doing it before she started (other volunteers I mean) but then the mental health unit at St Joe's changed their visiting hours so I guess the 4 people that were doing it had to quit due to the hour change. So now I will be her first NAMI in the Lobby volunteer. She just came on board a month ago. She also wants me to meet some another man and woman that I think have something to do with the mental health unit - like executive type position maybe?  I don't remember.

I will be starting Friday January 20th. I even get a maroon St Joe's volunteer shirt! Though since I am representing NAMI....we weren't really sure if I had to wear the shirt or not. I think the visiting hours are just from 7pm-8pm. So not long at all. I don't know how many Fridays I will do. I might do every Friday and take off ones where maybe I have something going on. But I figure it will be something to keep me out of trouble! And something I really enjoy!

Anyhoo - I suppose I should pack up and leave work. Just wanted to do a quick blip.

Dr Gulden

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I told him that I am finally ready to be sober. He was thrilled to hear that. He said Lisa had talked to him last week wondering about how they can help me. I just wish I could get to the caring about myself as much as other people care about me. Gawd I wish I could figure these things out faster than I do. I know I know...it will come when the time is right or however that goes. I did ask Dr Gulden to be put on antabuse which is a medication that makes you deathly ill and even throw up when you drink. I am ready for that. Last time when I quit drinking and had 5 years sobriety the first few months were so dang hard. And this time around - I just want to have something that will help me. That will be a huge deterant. Well it WILL make me not drink. Because if I have anything to drink and I throw up that is a very very bad thing because of my gastric bypass. In fact I could totally wreck my stomach. I guess the scariest thing for me - or fear - is that now I am really making the decision to have both of my life tools that I have used for 26 years taken away. Food AND alcohol. I need to do it tho. And I want to do it. I have a lot of skills in my toolbox and am getting better at using them and not having to consciously think about them...they are just coming automatically. And that is what I wanted to happen. I need to turn to my new toolbox now. This is really going to be a serious life change for me. I know I can do this. And even though I am scared to death...I am ready. There is some relief in finally having made a conscious decision about what I want to do. Anyway - all of these posts are so dang serious. 

Sue Abderholden the Executive Director of NAMI told me Tuesday at the Legislative Committe meeting that they are getting some posters of my story from Women's Day. Originally she wanted to have them frame the article and everything but that was 300 bucks!  So she is just having them put the story all on one poster size (well not huge poster - like an 8X10 maybe?) anyway so Women's Day is going to do that and send 10 copies. NAMI's conference room has posters of all their accomplishments etc and she wants to put my article in there. Plus she is going to give me a couple too. I am stoked.

The other thing - the hospitals in the area are going to have 8x10s of people sharing their stories hanging in their mental health units (well guessing out in the hallway or something).  I also volunteered for that. So my picture and my story will be hanging in the halls of mental health units at hospitals across MN. Coolio!

So yeah - NAMI brings a LOT of joy to my life. And good. Not that other things don't but the feeling I have when I volunteer is awesome.

The time has comeeeeee -

Can't believe it has been so long since I blogged. Well I usually do it at work and work has been massively busy. For once a quiet day - tho I think I prefer the busy - they go by much faster. This whole drinking thing has been on my mind a lot heavier lately.  Like really really getting closer to that thinking of - I am sober. I started IDDT (Integrated Dual Diagnosis Therapy) a couple months ago now at Guild. Which is a community member center for people with mental illnesses and are a Dakota county resident. So for the past couple months - I am like - okay, do I really want to be sober or do I just want to learn how to moderate. And then 2 Thursdays ago - I actually DID say in therapy that yes I do want to be sober. We were working on a list of what we are satisfied with in life, what we want to change, etc. And of course - in the drinking column I finally admitted that I am very unsatisfied.  This is how I have finally decided what I need to do. And of course last night helped just cement my decision. I know I am kinda rambling...

But this week in IDDT and therapy with Lisa - we talked about let's start with the babystep. The first step for me is to not drink and drive. And guess what? I accomplished that last night. I met my cousins Chris and Sue at the local bar/restaurant and then we were going back to my complex for a Toys for Teens party. And I was smart. I wasn't highly intoxicated by any means - and on any other day probably would have driven.  And yes yes peeps - I know - very bad choices. So I had Sue drive my car home - because with .08 it takes about one drink in more than an hour to get a DWI.  So, since I had had 4 I stuck to my plan of not driving. Kudos to myself. However....I had Sue park out front instead of inside my garage and where we parked was a HUGE patch of ice. And what did Heidigaga do as she was getting out of the car. Yep - total wipeout. Skinned up my nose ever so purtyyyy.

I don't know why I have this thing about not wanting to be chemically dependent. Well like anyone wants that. But with all of my learning I have had over the past year...there are many reasons why I am a prime candidate - my brain just purely functions differently. And it is a fact that at least 60% of the people living with bipolar and borderline personality disorder (recently talked about adding that into the mix) - well it just is what it is. Although it took me a long time to accept having a mental illness and thinking about being on meds the rest of my life. I am just a very slow learner.

Anyway - so it has been about a year since I was doing outpatient treatment. It was also about a year ago that I started AA. (Well and now don't go - IDDT is a much better fit). So all of this has been swirling around in my peabrain. For at least a month now. That I need to get back to work on sobriety. Don't know how long it will take me - but at least I am moving in the right direction. Like I said - I am a turtle...but I get there eventually. 

What I did bring up in therapy yesterday and Lisa said to make sure I take it with me out of the room (the reason she said that is because I am real good about leaving my stuff in the room when I need to take it with me so I can get over my stuff - and learn my stuff). Okay, so I have been feeling better about myself lately - like I am loving myself finally - I know I am loveable...and I am feeling more confident and there is a lot of good going on with me. But I also said to Lisa - that one of the reasons I drink irresponsibly (well this is one of my thoughts about my drinking) is that I don't care about myself. So the question of the day - can I love myself and yet not care about myself? Not caring as in you know - if something happens to me in some course of action - I am not sure that I care about what happens to me. This will really take some pondering. I think I first need to truly look up the words in the dictionary. To see what the real meanings are.

ORRR maybe it is me not caring because of my drinking. Or do I drink because I don't care. Quite the quandry.  Boy does it feel good to blog. This is so therapeutic for me.

What I do know - is I sure have a big fear about living life without alcohol which is why I have had a harder time stopping this time around. About the only good thing tho - is that is stops my thoughts momentarily. Other than that - not one good thing about it.

So as Lisa said - it truly is about taking life just one day as it comes...and maybe it may get down to one hour some days for me.  I think I am envious of people that can have that one glass of wine at dinner. But this is me - this is my life. And I just have to keep working.

All I know is that I won't be able to continue all I do - and continue going to school and at some point there will be a much bigger consequence if I don't stop the nonsense.

So today - I am sober. I am not going to think negative. I am putting out to the Universe that I am sober. I have been doing that every day for a bit now- I do want it. I just now need to remain committed.  I guess without me consciously thinking about it - I mean I meant to say every day that I am sober out to the Universe...I just hadn't really really committed to those three words. And this is a lot of "stuff" I am sharing. Trust me - I know what I need to do - and I know I have not been hiding my drinking from my family - what I mean by that is that I know all of you know. All I can say to you  is that I am going to try starting today. AND - I am sober - will continue to be my mantra.

Post Thanksgiving

None of us kids were together at this Thanksgiving - well I did stop by cousin Carrie's for a bit and Julie, Don and Zach were there. Otherwise Jon and Michele both went to their in-laws. In the past I would have been upset that at least the majority of us weren't able to get together....but I really enjoyed having Thanksgiving with just mom and Greg. And I can also see that I am continuing to grow in my thinking...because I didn't get upset. It is is what it is! It was very simple - turkey breast, stove top stuffing, mashed potatoes, roasted veggies, corn and cranberries. Holidays sure aren't fun anymore in terms of eating. And especially like Thanksgiving when the idea is to give thanks and then eat like pigs!  But any holiday is really all about being with your family anyway. And I spent a lot of the day with mom and Greg.

One cool thing was me being able to ride my motorcycle to mom's!  Who'da thought that I would be taking my motorcycle out for a spin on Thanksgiving in Minnesota! It was fabulous. After eating at mom and Greg's (I like eating dinner early so then I can do other things if I want to) I met up with Peggy and Beth Bear at a restaurant called Moe's. Of course, any restaurant open on Thanksgiving only has a buffet. And this one was 18.99 - which typically if I go out for a nice meal I have no qualms about it. However, since I had just eaten 2 hours before and a buffet is a waste for me - I just hung out with them.  It has been awhile since I have been out to visit the Bears.

After that I stopped off at Carrie's for about an hour. I did eat some food there. I didn't stay long because I wanted to get home before dark on my motorcycle. I got home around 4:30, grabbed my car and went back to mom and Greg's. Then mom and I watched the Lady Gaga special together and it was awesome.

Anyhoo - no words of wisdom for today's post. Just finishing up another "Monday" for me since I work Sundays - Wednesdays

Just about to Thanksgiving

I can't believe that Thanksgiving and Christmas are almost here! This year has sped by. I had a physical a couple weeks ago and got my numbers back from the blood work and I am super super happy with them.  Total cholesterol - 175 (normal is under 200) Triglycerides (fats ) 74 - normal is under 150. HDL (good cholesterol) is 83 - normal is over 39. LDL (bad cholesterol) is 77 - normal is under 100. Thyroid is normal  - 1.4 (range for normal is 0.5 to 5.0)  . Dr Dickhudt was extremely pleased when I came in for my physical. And I bet my numbers made him even happier.  I have great great doctors. He spent at least 20 minutes with me I bet - we talked about weather and depression and working out, etc. He is an all around good guy. The other cool thing is he really wants to make sure that all of my doctors have the information - so that my "team" of caregivers are all on the same page. I love that.  I always try to make sure that information is shared amongst my docs.

I think I am finally starting to get a hang of this thing called life. I am slowly beginning to start being okay with the ups and downs. Handling it much better. Stuff is just finally beginning to make sense. I think with all the DBT and the Guild Groups I am going to - and of course seeing Lisa - well it is coming together. I am beginning to feel comfortable in my skin and I might even be able to say that I think I am finally finally beginning to love myself. I haven't really thought about that until now when I started blogging. The self - love has really been something I have been wanting for a long time. And not really knowing how to get to this point. And I don't know if I can really look to when this started happening. I just know that I have my wall of happiness in my condo (I keep any kudos type note taped to my door so that when I feel down I can go read my door).  I have a LOVE gel cling on my bathroom window that my gf Danielle sent to me in the mail when I was struggling for a bit. And she said to stick it on my bathroom mirror and think about how much she loves me when I look at it. And it just makes me think about all the people I love and that love me.

And learning coping skills and life skills....and working through hard stuff in therapy. And listening to my self-affirmation CD - pretty much on a daily basis.

I am beginning to love Heidi, and I am beginning to feel comfortable with myself and who I am.

And I also believe that with all the involvement with NAMI - that is such a happy part of my life.

I try to say thanks to God/Universe every day (however you perceive your higher power) -

And I have been reading a book called Conversations with God in which so much of it makes sense to me. I need to actually finish it now.

So I am viewing myself as a different person. I mean, I see myself as different.  Still lots of the same ol Heidi (I hope anyway) in terms of dorkiness, etc. But I am feeling different inside. I think it might be that I have a feeling of peace again. I know I had said that awhile back. And for whatever reason I was under the illusion that the peace would remain with me forever and never leave. And it is these things about life that I am learning and ever so slowly beginning to accept. I am going to have to keep working at gaining peace back when it may hide from time to time.

I think that is where I am beginning to see my thinking getting adjusted in a better direction. Understanding that there will be joy, there will be sadness, there will be peace, there will be love....and that all of these emotions are part of everyone's lives.

Having some stability in my mood also for a bit now  - well I am sure that is a big asset to all of what I am feeling. All I know is that the holidays are right upon us - and for once I am not feeling depressed, I am not having fearful thoughts about suicide - I am not dwelling on winter and how much the long days can be a pain for me.

I am always thankful for my wonderful family and friends - and this year I want to say that I am thankful for my emotional stability right now, I am thankful for my doctors and Guild, and DBT, I am thankful for working at a job I love, I am thankful for NAMI, I am thankful for my new church....and well, I am thankful for my life and all of the great things that are in it.

In case I don't get a chance to blog again before Thanksgiving....know that I love each and every one of you very dearly. You are all an inspiration to me.  Love to you  and hugs and kisses.

NAMI Post Walk Party

Russ an Julie and I went to a NAMI Post Walk celebration party and it was a lot of fun. We had the awards for the top family fundraising and then I got recognized as a top individual fundraiser. It was awesome. I also got kudos for Volunteer Extraordinaire. And that was awesome. And when I went to Guild today for my group sessions, my friend Mary (group leader) said the she was so happy to see me. And that felt good. I told Mary that I feel kinda guilty because my life really is good and so many people at Guild can barely make ends meet. And I don't even want to share how good my life is. But Mary said we need people like you. To show that there is hope. That was so awesome because really, in actuality, I just want to help these poor people. And I can't. As in, that is against the rules. I wish every effin legislature would see how my friends live. They are just happy to get a shirt or pants out of the "free box".  That makes me sad too. Don't people effing realize that people need HELP!  And yet so many people are ready to judge - to say that people are lazy. This is not the case. Dammit! Pisses me off/ Anyway - enough soap box. I am just so disappointed in a lot of people.

November 5th

Today mom and I went to the Albertville Outlet Mall. We did some shopping but what I love the most is just hanging with mom and talking. I think since I have started blogging, been in the hospital at times and just in general hanging out - since I lived with mom and Greg when I moved back to MN - that even though if she doesn't truly get it - she is supportive. Not that other family members aren't. Because they are. And I absolutely know that.  But perhaps living with Mom and Greg - I dunno - but I feel an extra connection to her.

Anyway - I have to say - that still - this suicide thing is upsetting me. I didn't know him intimately - but it just is so freaky to me that in a 3 week period he commits suicide. Especially when he was going to be a speaker at a conference/symposium - whatever.

I try to share my story and talk to a certain degree on Facebook about how I am feeling - and Jeff still took his life. Even though there are so many days that I want to not live - there is something keeping me there.

And perhaps Jeff felt the same way. And he is no longer with us.

And I am fearful

November 3

I actually found out that a NAMI volunteer died yesterday. I kinda had an inkling it was suicide. It was confirmed today. And it hit so damn close to home. See - this guy (who I knew) was going to be a speaker at a Jewish Community Center conference/symposium.  I saw him 3 weeks ago at the Legislative Committee meeting  - and we have another one next Tuesday. So I am thinking...here he committed suicide and had cool things to look forward to. And that hit me. That even if I have things to look forward to - maybe I get to that point where - no matter what - I am just done.

It has been a very emotionally draining day for me. 

I don't know what else to say. Thank you for my family and friends....and please please please - let me always get past my dark moments. I know there are so many thoughts of wanting to be dead...and yet I don't really want to go through it.

See - I have this huge passion for mental health and to talk about it and share my story....but Jeff was the same way. And that is why I have been crying. Because he was just as passionate as I am.

Love Heidi

Happy Halloween

I guess it hasn't been as long as  I thought since I posted. I think I am finally recuperated from Lancaster and for the most part am over a sinus cold - still lingering some but I was feeling pretty crappy over the weekend. And well I suppose golfing for 18 holes last Friday was pushing it. Russ the Handyman and I went golfing at noon. We were only going to do 9 holes but the dude at the place we go to said we can golf as much as we want - it was 40 bucks for both of us to golf and have a cart. We were having so much fun golfing that we did stick around for 18 holes!  That is the first time in a looonnngggg time that I have golfed 18. I usually don't want to spend 4 or 5 hours out on a course.

I am continuing to see some growth here. I am not sure why this week - maybe because I am doing my Guild support groups (a Community Service Provider) which is for Dakota County residents and doing the DBT therapy on Fridays - that I am finally getting into the ol noggin that life really is ebbs and flows. I know that is so cliche.  I believe I have said this before but I always had in my mind that at some point life will be joyful all the time. That at some point in my life I will achieve that. Because you know - everyone else has such a wonderful life. Well okay, not everyone - but some. And of course that isn't life at all. There is always strife at some point.

In the past week it has just clicked with me that yeah - life really is going to suck at times. And it is okay and it is what it is and yes - this is life. Is that me accepting finally? Is it me letting go of wanting control? Hard to know. What I do know is that in the past week there have been days that I felt like total crap (mentally) and I did just keep telling myself that these days will pass. They always do. What is hard for me is to get outside of my head so often - I get so fixated on my emotions. That is what DBT calls Emotion Mind. And one of the purposes DBT is to help with the emotion dysregulation that is going on with me.

Just because I am getting slowly enlightened doesn't mean that my symptoms go away- my goal is just that I can remain stable for long periods of time. Which is why I am doing the support groups and DBT again.

And maybe because I have become so very passionate about mental health - that my speaking about it and seeing other people with mental illnesses worse off than me - well I do believe those are also beneficial things.

And going to church is giving me an hour a week where I truly do just sit - just listen - and can feel peace. And that is a good way to start the week. Not that I don't feel peace otherwise. That is another thing I have been thinking about. Emotions and feelings are always there  - they are part of life. And there will be times I feel peace and times when I don't. As with anything else. Again - I have been wanting that finish line of bliss for whatever reason. Well I know the reason. Because I hate and despise any emotional pain. Not that people enjoy it - but man do I want to push push push it away.

I signed up for school again which starts January and isn't far off. Well let me say - I have the classes in my cart  but can't officially register until Nov 2 at 11am. I felt pretty anxious putting them in the cart. I know I will be totally okay once I start but my anxiety - for a few minutes - hit the roof. I want my degree tho. And I want it in psychology. A long term goal is to be a therapist - assuming I stay and retire with the bank - and then be a therapist for fun when I retire. Or maybe practice part time if I get my degree. Not sure if I have to get a Master's also or what. And then I do kinda wonder if I can do that and leave work at work. Again- no sense in looking into the future or worrying about it. Seeee, I am making progress! I am becoming more successful in recognizing that I am either looking at the past or looking ahead and then pulling myself back into the moment. Not always but getting better and better all the time.

One thing I am so grateful for in my life (well other than family and friends) is having a job that I enjoy so much. My job is and pretty much has always been my rock - my stability in my life. And my job is very good at keeping me in the moment and in the day.

The one last thing that has been most intriguing and interesting is the book that I have been reading. Conversations with God. I have been really hung up on the work God for awhile. Because I have been so turned off by the extremists. And as Lisa my therapist has said - it is a word. God can be whatever it is to me. And so this book - it is refreshing because God in the book is how I would perceive God to be. Whatever God is - other than someone or something higher than myself - on a higher plane. There are a lot of correlations with other books I have read. It is very interesting and thought-provoking.

There are a lot of things I am doing to work on my mental health. And boy does it take a lot of work and a lot of energy. What is cool is when I can see improvements. Well - not improvements. Growth - Stability and most important of all for me right now is Hope. I am looking at Hope in a different light. I have never thought much about it before. Hope became an enlightenment for me right before I went up north. When I saw Connie - I just know that if she can get even one tidbit of a jump start on Hope - I HOPE that she will get the spark to manage her mental health too. I hope that I gave her hope - that going to therapy - taking medication if needed - doing what she can - even though she is in such a rural area. Then perhaps she can see hope too. If we don't have hope - the journey will continue to be a struggle - well I won't speak for all. If I don't have hope it will be so easy to remain in despair. I need to continue to have hope knowing that there are days my suicidal ideation and deep depression will pass. And I need that hope for my mania too. While I love my mania - my life is just as out of control as it is with my depressive symptoms. And either way - the suicidal thoughts will be there in my lifetime.  That is part of my bipolar symptoms. Hope that there will be less times.

Maybe I am coming to terms with my life and my symptoms. I thought for a long time that I had accepted my life as is. Then I went into a swirl of OMG I just can't do this. I HOPE that I can continue to work this acceptance and keep it in my head that this is my life and it is just fine and dandy as it is. Accept - Let Go - Feel a Peace.

Chewsssdayyyy October 25

Blogging just gets away from me these days. I will admit that it has been on my mind for about a week but just haven't sat down to do it. Last weekend I went up north to Lancaster where I was born. I went for a 40th wedding anniversary of my aunt and uncle but ended up not doing all of the festivities. I only went Fri-Sun and am still trying to recover because it is a 6 hour drive each way. In fact, I actually left Thursday night at 8om after the NAMI Board of Directors meeting (which was pretty cool by the way - NAMI is doing a lot of great things and they have a great Board behind them - at least from what I see). Anyway - Lancaster is a town of 300 people or so and the whole county - if lucky - is about 2000 people - but I think that is over-estimating.

My friend Carley who is a twin sister to Connie (Connie and I have been deep friends for a very long time) - well Carley has been in contact with me a lot because I post so much about mental illnesses, etc. She has called and talked with me a few times because she is soooo distraught as to what to do anymore with Connie. So Saturday I spent some time with Carley .  We sat and talked by a bonfire for a bit and then I went and saw Connie alone. I have deep pain in my heart for her. Connie has only been diagnosed with depression but it goes far deeper than that. She has become a massive hoarder. From talking with Carley it sounds like she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. Unfortunately in the very rural areas of the state - there is basically little to none mental health care. And yet it is rampant up there. And everyone either ignores it or believes that one can just pull themselves out of it. Connie and I did a lot of crying. See, she knows that what is going on is not good. And yet she can't stop it. She has become a huge huge hoarder. She doesn't get out much. She is isolating big time. She doesn't feel that anyone loves her - and I totally get that. I often feel like no one loves me and I don't love myself and yet in our "Wise Mind" we know that isn't true. It is getting out of the emotional mind and that is so very hard to do. Anyway - I kept hugging her and we kept crying and she said that I am the only one that understands her. And it is just breaking my heart. I know I can't per se "save" her...I just wish I was closer to see if I can help at all. Of course, that is kinda who I am. I always want to fix everyone. Help them fix themselves that is. And heck, I still have a long way to go myself!  I also did a lot of crying driving home for 6 hours from Lancaster.  It was emotionally draining.

My aunt and uncles wedding anniversary was a blast as things usually are when the Nordin's get together. It's just that I had just spent time with Connie and so by the time I got there (which was late) I was feeling in a big bummer mood. And when I sat by Cassie (my goddaughter and Connie's daughter) I couldn't help but cry. And then my cousin Rachel came and sat with me. That was actually really cool - in a building full of people - Rachel and I were able to really catch up and talk and share about what is going on with each other in terms of mental health. It was like no one was in the building except me and her. It would be good for me to spend more time up there.

I also went and did some "American Pickers" with my friend Julie. Her brother in law had bought an old farmhouse so he can tear it down and build a new one. Soooo we took advantage of going through and picking up some antiques. It was a LOT of fun!

The other fun thing I did up there was share my story of living with bipolar symptoms. My uncle is the pastor of the Covenant church and I have relatives go there too. So most of the crowd involved my relatives. However there were some others that weren't related!  I had created a power point presentation with mental health information and statistics and also brought a NAMI DVD called Hope for Recovery. I had only watched the DVD once before so it was fun to see it again. It talked about mental illness being biological and even showed a brain scan of someone with schizophrenia as opposed to someone that doesn't have a mental illness. There is a much bigger mass of something in the schizophrenic brain - it was good proof to show people that a mental illness is not a made up illness. Then I shared my story. And people had quite a few questions for me that I wasn't really prepared for but I think I did okay. The only one I had stumbled on was what they (as family members) could do for their loved one. That is hard to answer because I am torn between wanting someone to check on me and care for me and yet not wanting anyone around. And I admitted that. And my sister Michele even said that she doesn't know what to do (I think she did) Anyway she had commented for everyone to hear on something I said . I appreciated her thoughts coming out from the family point of view. That is just as important. Now, as I thought more about it - the one thing I would say in the future is...(and I posted this on Facebook) I would ask them...What would you do to support a family member that has cancer or any other illness? That is what you should do for someone with a mental illness. Bring over a cooked meal, clean house, do laundry, spend time, send a card...whatever works out.

I got a lot of good comments - even from others outside of my family. In fact one of the men that was there asked if I would think about coming up again and sharing with the whole congregation what I just shared. I said totally!

Sunday morning I went to the Lutheran church were relatives of mine also go. My aunt and uncle from Illinois were in town and I hadn't seen them. I sat between Frank and Lois in the front pew. Pastor Melodi was just AWESOME. Lancaster is so very lucky to have her. Anyway - at one point in the service she asked people for names of people that need our prayers. And I said my friend Connie. After everyone was done - Pastor Melodi then closed with a prayer asking for all of us to pray for those with a mental illness, cancer, etc etc. WHAT!  Prayers for those with a mental illness?  She rocked my world! She made me SOOO happy that I went to that service. And she also had a great kids and adults sermon.

I did shake her hand after church and said thanks, but I wanted to send her an email too. So I did - and thanked her again for praying for those with a mental illness and gave her a bit of background on myself. She replied and said....

"Thank you Heidi for sharing your story and your passion.  Mental Illness is a huge concern of my as well in our area, because I feel here there is still a big stigma, either you don't talk about it or you label them as they should just "get over it."  My Dad completed suicide because of his mental illnes, so I can relate.  All we can do is pray, walk along those whom God puts in our paths, and keep telling our stories!  God's peace to you.  Melodi"

Is that cool or what! Dang I can't get these italics removed. Anyway - I wasn't sure if I should share that or not - but I figure if she is willing to share with me - and she also wants to erase stigma - that it's okay to share.


Anyway - it was just awesome. I am glad I went to the Lutheran church - and I am glad that the Convenant church let me speak, etc


That is about all I have for now. If I think of anything exciting I will let you know!


Peace - Heidi

I am moving forward again

So I have been working on switching my major from Management of Information Systems to Psychology. I have been thinking about it for quite awhile. And I asked my manager if I would get reimbursed for school still if I switched and she (well my second line) said yes. I am pretty stoked. I am way more interested in Psychology than MIS - though the IT world has served me well and I do love what I do. What I am kinda toying with long term - is finishing my time out at work here (as long as I remain happy) and then when I retire from here - go into becoming a therapist just because it is something I would enjoy also.

I also got all the paperwork and whatever else I needed to start school up again in January. I have had a long enough break now and if I don't get back to it - it will be way to easy to just keep ignoring. And I do want a degree.

I have a new advisor and got my file switched over too - and my new advisor seems a lot more involved than my old one. At least a lot more helpful so far.

I don't remember if I shared this - but I am the new Chair of the Legislative Committee for NAMI.  In addition (tho I missed the cut off for this year) but I will be joining the Board of Directors also.

Next Thursday I will be going to the Board to present to them our 2012 Legislative Goals. I am  excited.

10/11/11

Tonight was my first night as the Chair of the Legislative Committee. I wasn't nervous but I was a bit uncomfortable about how to run it and to try and run it and not look like a total dork. Though it is a very laid back group. I did okay.  And I know it is just going to take some time for that "comfortable confidence" to settle in.  I will also be on the NAMI Board of Directors!  I missed the cut off for this year because it is basically now....but I will be "voted in" next year. I am going to go to the meetings anyway because as Chair of the Legislative Committee I had to keep the Board informed of what NAMI is doing and what we are advocating for, etc. I am really really liking the direction my life is going.

I rode Stella to work today. I love when I can do that. I still haven't been able to really get as much riding in as I want...especially because I know right now every day is special when I can ride. I have put on almost 1500 miles I think this riding season!

I got to work days yesterday so was able to get together with people/neighbors from my condo complex. My neighbor across the hall was throwing a birthday party at Applebee's. I went and met about 10 new people but I dunno. I am not sure I necessarily want to get into a condo clique. It seems like everyone knows everyone's business. Just like Lancaster MN! And I dunno - I just didn't get a good feel for it. So I didn't even stay to eat. I wasn't hungry anyway because I had eaten a late lunch. It was a bit eye opening too.  Russ was there. And I was just kinda taking a step back and listening - listening to everyone talk about whoever - well I didn't really like it. And sooooo wellllll - let's just say it was one more eye opener. Not saying that he is bad because of being right in with the gossip - it's just that it sure makes me a bit more leery of what I share. And it may just be my paranoia. Well no - maybe not. I guess there was a girl that had moved in - I don't know what all had transpired other than she was in the process of getting ready to hang herself. I guess she has since moved out. But that really bothered me. That Russ was talking about that with the people there. Of course I know I am very sensitive to any mental illness talk - and I know that. But I do know that if I get to that point again - wanting to commit suicide - I sure don't want that all over Coachman Oaks.   I think I am going to have to talk about that with him. My business is my business. If I want to share something - then so be it. But only if I want to. Uff - just kinda re-thinking last night gets me a bit bristly. Guess I better get off the subject.  Guess it is just another stepping stone to a healthier relationship at some point.  

So next weekend I am heading up north to a small rural area of MN - Kittson County - very northwest county - West to Fargo and then North to nearly the Canadian border. Anyhoo - my gf has been really struggling with her sister (who is also my gf) who isn't accepting her mental illness. I am not even sure if she has a full diagnosis other than depression. It sure sounds like a lot of Borderline Personality Disorder stuff going on. Anyhoo - so I am going to speak after one of the church services about living with bipolar - and bring up NAMI resources, etc. To educate about mental illness. I kinda have a nagging suspicion that some may think we can pray away our illness. I don't know that for a fact tho....

Anyhoo - kinda sleepy tonight. Which is a good thing. XOXOXO

I can't keep up with my own life these days!

I tell myself over and over and over again that I need to slow down. I am so wiped out from my weeks that it's beginning to affect me. As in getting tired. This week coming up looks much better tho so far. Ok, well a bit better. I have my first NAMI Legislative Meeting as Chair - a dentist appt - a hair appt - my regular support groups I am doing at Guild and Healing Connections - and meeting my Metro State girlfriends for breakfast on Saturday...but other than that - nothing set in concrete! And I am going to keep it that way!

Wednesday night I went to the Lynx game and saw them win at home before they won the Championship in Atlanta. The woman's basketball games have always been a lot of fun to watch...hopefully now that the flipping fair weathered fans of MN have paid attention and saw some games....hopefully now they will get a bigger following. Though I did like the college atmosphere of the fans. Very into the sport - unlike the Vikes, Twins or Timberwolves. Like EVERYONE at the WNBA games are into it. I brought Russ too because he had been saying he wanted to go to a game. It was good and bad on my part. I had worked Tuesday night and then didn't sleep well (like 2 1/2 hours) and also didn't have dinner before the game because I wasn't hungry. So I kept getting crabbier and crabbier. Oh well - I wasn't nearly as crabby as Russ was to me - but I still felt bad. I usually try to stay away from people when I am having the crabbies.  If I can that is. Anyhoo - it is what it is. He knows I have my sh*t.

My girlfriend Chanda was in town too. So we got some hang time and went to see the movie Moneyball which I hadn't even heard about but really enjoyed it.  The church I have been going to had a Harvest Fest on Saturday. I had been at a NAMI Hope for Recovery class from 9-3 so after that I went and helped clean up at the Harvest Fest. I want to meet more people there and figured the best way to do that is to start getting involved with things from time to time. The Hope for Recovery class is for people that are in recovery (management mode) in their mental illness and also for family members. It is pretty much a shortened version of the 12 week Family to Family class which is strictly for family members only. The class was very insightful for me because I got to hear what the family members are dealing with or struggling with etc. I see now why it was recommended by NAMI that I don't go unless I feel that I have my bipolar managed. It was kinda hard to hear some of the things...not that they were evil or mean...but because I could see myself in their sharing and it makes me think about what I put my family and friends through. I was glad  I went. And also a bit sad. Although it was also cool for me to share my mental illness spin. I also talked about DBT and the family members were very interested in that. 

After all that on Saturday (well and an intense therapy session again with Lisa)....I met up with a friend from the past. We had worked together back in the 90s at IBM.  Small small world. She ended up dating a sister of one of Julie's friends (well and because of Don and Julie's friendship with Deano and Lori - I am also friends with Deano and Lori)...ANYHOOO so Mary was in a relationship with Deano's sister and so our paths crossed again a few years ago. Since then Mary and her gf separated but Mary and my sister Julie are friends on FB.  When I saw that about a month ago - I friended Mary - SOOOO to make the short story longer....with all of my FB postings about mental health and my depression and my mania - she wanted to get together to swap stories so to speak.  Hopefully this will be the re-kindling of a friendship. She has no kids, no significant other, works in IT for Thomson Reuters, etc etc.  So guessing she will be able to be as footloose and fancy free as me.

I continue to work on my mental health. Doing the DBT classes on Friday morning and the Integrated Dual Diagnosis Therapy on Friday afternoon - in addition to my Grieving Mental Illness class on Thursday morn. I love going to all of them. I told Lisa a couple weeks ago - after probably the toughest session I have had...is that I am just not sure I am ready yet to live this life sober. Not saying I want to be out getting drunk all the time. I just haven't hit that ...I HAVE to do this - I HAVE to be sober.Anyway - I am just so tired of having to think about it. And tired of talking about it. I will just continue to plug along.

Well, time for me to go home now. I will try to fill in more tomorrow. And tell you more about NAMI goodness for me!

Russ the Handyman

Russ called me on Tuesday on the way to work and we talked for a half hour. Nothing necessarily significant. I kinda don't get how men just just "gloss things over".  And yet I have realized that I do that too. I guess a coping skill. Not saying it is good or bad...it just is.

What I do know - is that I have massive trust issues with men. I always have. I thought Russ seemed to be different. But he hurt me big time. Yes, I know that we are getting back to what our "normal" was. I just don't know if I can ever trust a hundred percent. In fact I am not sure I can ever do that with a man. And that kinda makes me sad.

However (and I told Lisa this) perhaps Russ is just another stepping stone to something good. Russ is by far the healthiest man relationship I have had. I just feel bad (and sorry for myself) that it didn't work out. And yet I did see his anger in person - and that scares me too.

Anyhoo - all I know is that life is very complicated and I wonder if it isn't more hassle that happiness?  Any thoughts my lovely peeps?

Love Heidi

Last Friday I went and did a skydive jump out of Winsted Minnesota. It was absolutely fantastic and one of the greatest things I have ever done. It was a tandem jump and filling out all the paperwork was scarier than the actual jump! Although leaving the plane was the next scariest thing. There is no way I can describe the experience. The free fall was awesome but then just floating along in the parachute...reminded me a lot of the hot air balloon ride in Sedona. It is so utterly quiet and peaceful up in the air. I don't even think that type of peace can be found anywhere down here on solid ground. 

The annual NAMI Walk was on Saturday and we had a beautiful day. Julie and Abby joined me (well Julie and I are the half point cheerleaders and have been since the Inaugural Walk 5 years ago!) - and it was fun to have Abby join us. And then my girlfriend Erin from my first DBT go-around came too. It was just awesome. I saw quite a few people I knew. And that was exciting!  Julie had a bubble machine so she brought a table and we set the bubble machine on the table. People ALWAYS love the bubbles! There were 3200 Walkers this year which hit our goal of 3000 and I believe has been the largest walk yet! Our Family Team - Cheering Changing Minds are in the top 10 for family fundraising! And I surpassed my personal goal of $1,000.

So I do believe that things with Russ the Handyman are or will be very close to back the way things were which is what I was hoping would be. On Friday he texted (well we have been texting here and there for a week or so) - anyway he texted this to me after I said the skydive jump was on..."cool...please be careful...congrats on NAMI...you are a true genuine believer...I love having friends like you"

And then on the morning of the Walk he texted this - "I meant what I said yesterday...I'm proud to call you my friend!"


Anyway - so even though there were some tears shed the past couple weeks or so..I don't have to wonder anything anymore. His birthday is next weekend so we are going to go to dinner and movie.

Guess that is about all I have for now. I am a tired puppy and just about ready to go home after a work day.

Ohhh fer dumb!

So yeah, I just realized that I had comments from July that were supposed to be previewed by me before I posted them (if I chose to). DOH! Sorry peeps. Thanks as always for the words of encouragement.

So the latest Russ the Handyman saga. Friday night I went out to dinner with some girlfriends. It was my friend Denise's birthday dinner celebration. I had talked to Russ earlier in the day to let him know that we were going out for dinner and if he wanted to stop by he was more than welcome (he knows Denise too). He said that he was going out for some beers with his buddy John and to text him later with the scoop. So when we got to the restaurant I texted him the details. He called me back - said that he was at the local pub and wouldn't be able to make it. He said he was at the Valley with John and I said well maybe I will swing by and say hi. Most of the chicas had to be home by 9 anyway for their kids and were leaving soon.  Sooooo I go to the Valley - got there around 8:30. Saw another person that I know from the Condo Association and sat down and was talking with him because I didn't see Russ anywhere. I was probably talking with him for a good 20 or 30 minutes before I saw Russ...well before Russ saw me was the way it turned out. Anyhoo - so I am yip yapping with Dave when all of a sudden Russ comes and stands between me and Dave and he starts going off on me. Not loudly - in fact Dave is slightly hard of hearing so couldn't hear anything Russ was saying because Russ had his back to him. I could immediately tell from the look on Russ' face that he was going to say sh*t - which totally threw me off because I hadn't even said anything to him and earlier in the day it was like regular old times talking.  Granted, I knew that he had drank more than usual because I could tell from talking to him on the phone at the restaurant but his actions still threw me off. Hi-ever - I am not going to judge him because hell, we have all been in a drunken state - and sometimes it is happy drunk and sometimes it is crabby drunk. Well this must have been his crabby drunk time. So the reason I am even sharing all this is because another insight has come to light for me.

The instant that Russ started talking to me (I felt like he was a dad and I was the kid) - I totally withdrew, curled up inside of myself and placed my mind outside of my body. By that I mean - when I started getting "in trouble" I totally tuned out EVERYTHING Russ was saying - I focused on Dave and watched Dave and put my thinking anywhere else other than in the moment and what Russ was saying. I can not tell you one thing he said.  Russ has always told me that he has a huge anger issue which I totally couldn't even imagine. Well, I have seen a blip into it and to tell you the truth - it does scare me. But then any kind of anger scares me. But I digress.

So do you know what this means?  What this tells me?  This is a perfect example of why I have no emotion regulation - because I have forever and a day pushed away emotions. I totally can see myself back in the day - growing up - doing the exact same thing. Russ totally put me back into the moments of when I was a kid and getting in trouble. I would totally detach any thought or emotion from what was going on and put my mind far away from what was happening. Gaining awareness as I have been lately - this is very powerful for me.  And I am beginning to feel my power returning to me - slowly....but I am seeing the shift in my thinking and my emotions. And this is what I have been working toward for a long time - I am just not sure that I really knew what it was I was working toward. I only knew that I had to keep working at myself. I can only say that my god and my Universe and my angels are definitely alongside hanging in there with me.

I don't know at this point where Russ is in the realm of things. And to be honest, I don't even know if I want to put any energy into it. I talked in depth with Lisa about this yesterday.  I used to always always always hang and hang and hang onto relationships forever - never wanting to let them go. And then I have been a bit worried about all of a sudden being able to let go too easy - not wanting to put up with any crap. Because I gotta tell ya - to me - what has been going on with Russ and I the past week and a half is crap. I tried to talk it out with him when we went golfing a week ago Saturday to just put it all out there. He didn't want to talk about it tho. And I can't hold that against him. If I didn't want to talk about stuff (because you all know I get that way) well then I don't.  Anyhoo - after sharing with Lisa everything that has happened since I saw her a week and a half ago...she was glad and proud of me for doing what I have done. She was fearful that what happened is going to be a HUGE trigger for me to go back into the hospital. And in the past you BET that I would be going right into the black hole.

She totally does not understand Russ and believes he owes me an apology for his behavior (which was a nice validation for me because typically she gives me different angles to look at - but we talked about what happened in depth and she doesn't get it just as much as I don't) - and Lisa also said to me that she saw a strength in me that she hasn't seen before. She was very impressed from our last session where I had said to Lisa that I wanted to put it out there for Russ - the dating or not dating dilemma. Knowing full well his answer may not be what I want to hear. And I did it, and I didn't get the answer I wanted, and I lived through it....and while the thoughts of suicide were there - I was able to get past them without going into the deep dark abyss.

I agreed with Lisa that there is a transformation in me that I am feeling. I am not sure what or how or why...and nor do I really know if I care. I only know that I am liking how the past week and a half has gone. I am sad and hurt by Russ - and I also know that it will be okay - and will turn out however it is supposed to turn out.  I did text Russ when I got home Friday night (yes I was home and in bed by 9:30 crying myself to sleep because I felt hurt)....but I texted and said hey, I am hurt and maybe I hurt you too - I don't know. But perhaps it might be best to just part ways. I have no idea what will happen. I am not contacting him though. He needs to make the next move. That is another huge hurdle alone for me. I have always given in. I always am the first to contact and try to make peace. And I am not doing that this time. This is another sign of progress for me.

What I do know is that I am blasting at my mental health right now. And I think the extreme blast of support is helping me make sense of a lot of things now. And the blast helps me stay more focused day to day.  I have my Thursday Guild Support Group - Grieving Mental Illness. And then on Friday at Guild I have the IDDT (Integrated Dual Disorder Therapy) Support Group. And also on Friday mornings from 9:30-noon (a one year commitment) I will have DBT Support Group at Healing Connections in Burnsville.

In addition,  remember how I have been saying that Lisa and I have been having a much deeper intensity level of therapy for the past few months or so?  I think that ALL of this is coming together for me. And it is making sense to me now. I see how it all ties in.

People have often commented to me about how strong I am. I didn't feel it ever. I think now I am beginning to feel it. And perhaps now that I can actually see maybe what other people are seeing, maybe that is why Lisa is seeing a strength in me that she hasn't seen before. Because now I can see it. I now need to hold onto it.

What I do know from all of this is that I think I am finally ready to not be stepped on. To not take shit on. That is my hope. And if I need to cut the losses then so be it. When I said to Lisa I am a bit worried that maybe now I am doing a 180 on relationships...as in instead of hanging on forever, I am now going to just let go and cut them off when I am done - just done. And Lisa said I don't see it that way Heidi. *whew*  She said I see you as reaching your energy threshold for the friendship. And she absolutely hit the nail on the head. And I am not going to just say Russ' friendship only. I am going to say definitely going forward tho. I think where  I feel I am at with Russ at the moment is this...I have put a lot of energy and time into our relationship - and yes because I wanted to. But now - perhaps because of the energy - I am at the threshold. I feel now like what will be - will be (so cliche I know). I am not putting anymore energy into it. If he wants to remain friends he will have to put forth the energy. And if not - well then that is just the way it is. I am tapped out to the max on energy. I just don't have anymore to put out there for a relationship.

My energy is on me - to get me stable. I want my mental health stable, I want to continue to be happy at work, I was asked to be the Chair of the Legislative Committee for NAMI, I want to remain involved with NAMI...I want to continue on this new and next part of my journey that I feel I am embarking upon and I am feeling excited about it. And these are the things that need my focus.

And as I am getting stronger mentally and emotionally and spiritually - that is going to help me physically.

I am still going to church and liking the spirituality of the community and of course nature - always. Those are my spiritual spots - where I feel peace. And when I need to find that quiet and that peace - those are the places I need to go to.

I wish I could really share my insides with everyone right now. I am feeling good. I am feeling strong. I am feeling grounded. I am feeling content. This is where I am at today.

I ended my session with Lisa like this -

I do feel the strength Lisa and I don't know where it is coming from. But what I do know is that good things are happening to me. I am putting out good karma into the Universe - putting out good thoughts and the Universe is returning the good back to me. I hope that makes sense. Sue Abderholden from NAMI asking me to be Chair of the Legislative Committee - that is the Universe sending good my way. And maybe even this new energy within myself is the Universe returning to me what I have put out there. I have been listening to a Self-Affirmation CD for a month now. And I truly believe that is also helping me with my self-esteem. I am kinda feeling a bit comfortable for once in my skin. I am not sure I have ever ever felt that. 

Eek! September 11 already!

So here is the latest drama-saga.....

 What a week this has been. So a couple weeks ago (or maybe more) Russ the Handyman had left an article from the newspaper about relationships. About how there is the "love at first sight" attraction and then there is the love that grows over time through friendship yada yada yada. I of course wonder hmmm, is he putting out feelers??? That we both have the same level of love for each other? So Thursday I tell Russ I love him and would like to date him if he would like that. He said no. Not flat out no - but that he really really values our friendship and that is the most important thing.  Now going into this - I knew full well that he may say no. So I did actually have healthy thinking. And in the end I just believe that we are at different paths in our journeys. Not to say that down the road things can't change - but I am not going to put life on hold. Not that I even went out looking for a relationship. The thing is - Russ and I have very deep conversations. In fact Russ even told me that he can talk with me almost like no other people. (Well I hope you know what I am trying to say). Regardless, man the pain the pain pain. So I succeeded Friday night in staying sober but not last night. I tried to stay distracted and hang around sober people and stay busy....and I hung out with my friend Martha and even went to a couple AA meetings. This is why I am always afraid to get into relationships...because now with the deep pain in my heart that yes, I can even physically feel - well here are my two options (that I go to right away) - suicide or alcohol. Suicide was looking pretty darn good yesterday. So I went to the bar last night. And today I felt MUCH better emotionally - Yeah Right! I went to church this morning because I figured out in therapy on Thursday that my two places where my spirit is truly at peace - is either nature or church. I knowwww shut my mouth! I am evolving. I am evolving. So I went to church. And there is a time where the lights are dimmed and its meditation time to think , give thanks, etc. OMG...so my mind goes back to Russ. I go to the same church as Martha and she came over and rubbed my back and asked how I was doing. I said much better. Til the quiet time came. Fuck that pain is back...STRONGLY! So now I realize....you know how you can hear the same thing over and over and over and then one day it just ALLL makes sense? Well today it made sense in church. Alcohol TRULY is a band-aid. But I also see my overly hectic lifestyle as somewhat of a band-aid. I do not take the time to be quiet and be serene. And to let that come into me no matter what emotional state I am. It is these insights that are going to get me to sobriety. Of that I have no doubt. I am getting closer to it. I am I am I am. I highly recommend reading Conversations With God. It speaks to me loudly (if you haven't read it already). Whew. Oh and I am going to start DBT again. I was able to find an opening at Healing Connections in Burnsville. Lisa said she had heard good things about it. And here again are my angels giving me direction without me knowing it. I called just to see what nights they have class. And of course they were the nights that I work. HIIIII-EVERRRRR - the lady I spoke with said that they are JUST starting up a Friday morning DBT this coming week! The 16th. Shut the Door right? Progress Progress Progress. Yes I stagnate - don't we all. And in the end - we are here for each other to progress together. 

I have been crying off and on for 3 days now....but you know what? That is a GOOD thing for me. Because I usually don't cry too much or if I do - I cry and then drink and run away. So yeah, I did drink. But I am not running away. I "get it". I now just have to "do it". Sit through the shit - feel the pain and then I can move on.  

 

Hmmm Borderline Personality Disorder???? BPD

When I went to see Lisa last Saturday - she said to me that she sees more and more Borderline Personality Disorder symptoms also. I don't remember if she said she sees that as more of my diagnosis now or if it is in addition to bipolar (which is common with BPD)

It kinda annoyed me to hear that because from what I can tell there are many of the same symptoms. And I think part of my annoyance is that I have been getting to know and understand and managing better (working toward managing better) bipolar and I just feel that I have more knowledge since I have been diagnosed for 10 years.

The stuff I have been reading on BPD  says that often times it is also an addition to bipolar or depression.  When I was in DBT there was one lady that said she had BPD and I could totally see that in her after doing some reading on this. One thing that to me is a far cry from the BPD is in terms of relationships. I have good relationships  with a lot of people. I think where Lisa is coming from (from trying to remember what she said and looking at some websites) - she sees these things in me:

Fears of abandonment

Identity-issue (sense of self)

Intense personal relationships

Impulsivity (sex, spending, substance abuse)

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures (though NOT self-mutilating behavior and BPD people tend to self-mutilate more frequently- such as cutting)

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently

And from what else I have read in terms of reasons why people have BPD is most often due to abandonment in childhood, poor communication in the family, disrupted family life, sexual abuse. Although it can be due to a chemical imbalance. For me - I really feel like I am more bipolar with BPD symptoms because when I am on my meds and are faithful with taking them - I am on an even plane.

Talk therapy is the treatment but it also says " In some cases, medications can help level mood swings and treat depression or other disorders that may occur with this condition."

There are a couple things that I keep seeing that seem to be a big part of it - the whole relationships thing, the self-injury (like cutting, etc). Another thing listed is intolerance of being alone. I will have to ask Lisa where she sees that in me. Or more like how is that perceived. I don't necessarily like sitting at home a lot. Or just sitting with myself. And yet I do.  Anyway - I think I am getting a bit better about trying not to have a decision or answer right away :-) 

Oh and BPD does talk about the extreme thinking as in black and white. And yettttt....I do see where I can improve on that - but I also know a lot of people that have that thinking and don't have a mental illness.

Yeahhhhhh this will definitely have to continue on with discussion. In in the end - does it really matter anyway? Okay okay so I am saying that out loud - and yet inside I am not wanting that diagnosis. So that doesn't make sense! hahahahaha  Well, it won't change anything maybe is what I mean about does it really matter. As in change the fact that I do have a mental illness and need to take care of myself and my illness just as anyone who has diabetes or high blood pressure have to do.

So I googled bipolar vs BPD symptoms -
  
Common Symptoms
Patients with bipolar symptoms and symptoms of borderline personality disorder both have the swings in mood that can have depression, anxiety, or violent outburst with them. But the duration of these are weeks or months in the bipolar patients, whereas they only last a day or a few hours for the borderline personality disorder patients. Now I have been cycling faster but for the most part my moods tend to hang around for awhile. I know that I was manic all last summer and then depressed a lot last winter. I haven't been able to get to that level playing field but now with some med adjustments and actually taking my meds - it is helping MUCH better and working.

People with borderline personality disorder also suffer times when they have no clue who they actually are as in likes, dislikes, preferences, and personality. They may even alter their long term type goals often, and they also have trouble focusing on an activity. Being impulsive and going on excessive eating spells, expensive shopping trips, and even having high risk sexual encounters can happen. Symptoms like these can also be mania symptoms for the bipolar.

The patients with borderline personality disorder may also have spells of feeling misunderstood or mistreated, worthlessness, and emptiness. These are also symptoms of the depression that bipolar patients get.
Another borderline personality disorder symptom is how these patients deal with their relationships. They often see relationships from an extreme point of view. The patient is either extremely in love or passionately hates. A patient can totally love a person one moment, then wind up hating them the next moment just because of a minor conflict or problem. Abandonment fears can cause threats of suicide, depression, and rejection in some patients. Bipolar patients can suffer from these same symptoms.

So yeah - I guess we will see where this part of the journey goes.

And in the end - and I actually did say this to Lisa and she was very proud because it was a very healthy thought - in the end any "label" isn't really going to matter or make a difference. In the end - it is about me managing my health and learning to think healthy as best I can.

And so it is....

I keep thinking I am getting my mood stabilized. I am not there yet. I think I may be getting there though. I am pretty sure I am totally out of manic. I kinda thought I might be dipping into that a few weeks ago - but it was only one day of feeling out of control high. I know I am so hyper-sensitive about my moods - I constantly think about them and wonder about them. Okay, that was just a slight epiphany there. I am on edge all the time and critiquing where I am at because (well I say) that I don't want to go into mania or depression...but then sometimes I wonder. I mean c'mon - mania is awesome for me. I would love it always - if I didn't spend so much money. That is the biggest detractor (is that a word?) And even though I don't like depression - I have been feeling blue the last week - actually it was a bad week for depression as I look back. Maybe subconsciously I do want those moods so I feel something. So that does go against my hyper-sensitivity of mood watching. Because I didn't really catch it. Perhaps maybe to some extent because I haven't gone full blown into a major depression. But when I posted a few sentences ago about wondering if I don't want to keep going between moods - wellll, Sunday and today - I am not sure I feel anything. I feel mellow tho that is not really a mood. I don't feel manic. I don't feel depressed. I don't feel happy. I don't feel sad. I don't feel angry. I am just here. I guess that is telling me that my meds are working since I have been more faithful with them. But feeling kinda blah or nothing...well I guess I just need to be okay with being me. I am not sure how to get there. The irony in all this is that I have been using alcohol for 20 + years so I DON'T feel my emotions and now I am saying I do want to feel my emotions. Irony Irony Irony. This is why I remain in therapy! :-)

When I am in one of my phases I don't care for that at the time because it can be such a struggle and takes up so much energy. And yet - feeling blah is not enjoyable either. Not that depression is enjoyable. Maybe realizing this and if I can remember it down the road will help me be okay when I am down or up.  If I continue to stay on this path of expending so much energy on my moods I will be making my life harder than it is. At least that is my opinion. So again, how do I just learn to be okay with just being who I am? That is a rhetorical question of course. My problem is that I always want the quick fix. I really do think  (hope) that as I stay involved with the mental health classes at Guild Incorporated that will really help me. I am already learning a lot in my Grieving Mental Illness class on Thursdays. Starting the Friday after Labor Day they are starting another class that I will be attending. It is an IDDT class - Integrated Dual Diagnosis Therapy. Helping those of us with a mental illness and a chemical addiction. 

Anyhoo - guess that is all on my mind for now. Therapy with Lisa is going really well. Still diving into the deeper darker murky waters...and I need to do that so I can continue the climb upward. It will most likely take time. Probably a lot of time.

Oops, been a week since my last post

Well work has been so non-stop lately. I don't know what that is about! I usually blog when it's quiet at work or when I get home. Problem is, by the time I get home I am beat! I did some good healthy things last week and I am glad! I golfed with Travis, went to the gym and I also had a session with my personal trainer. And I felt the workout the next day so I know it was a good one.

Well I hate to admit this - I miss going to the AA meetings. Well maybe it isn't really the meetings. I miss seeing the people at the meetings. Problem is - I would go just for the heck of it - and to sit and listen. And I suppose I could do that - but again, I would still feel like a fake. So I guess I will just stay away. And in a different light, it is also relief for me to not have to go to meetings. I mean - it's not like I was forced or anything. It's just that there were 3 of them that I liked going to - and that means 3 evenings that I would try to avoid planning anything for that time slot. And don't get me wrong; it's not like they were twisting my arm or anything....as in  am not complaining the 3 meeting a week commitment - it was something I enjoyed for the most part.

I told my friends I really wanted to focus on my mental health and get really good and grounded in stability. And that I was thinking about starting up a NAMI Connections support group. That is a weekly meeting that I would co-facilitate. And then I have my Guild therapy classes - Guild is the foundation where I had stayed at a few weeks ago when I was super depressed and feeling suicidal. Anyhoo - so I am  attending their Grieving Mental Illness class, and then they will be starting up an Integrated Dual Diagnosis Therapy class (supposed to be within the month or so) and also keep my Lisa sessions. The reason I am going into all of this is because Martha brought this to light for me. Once it was in front of me in a list of what I am doing - I am not going to start the NAMI Connections group - yet. Plus - I plan on starting school again next spring and I would be right back in the same boat of feeling overwhelmed and pulled in too many directions. I need to focus on a couple things at a time. Not 8 million without getting anything accomplished.

Ironic - here I am blogging about all of this and one of my girlfriends that I met in AA called. She had a lot of loving words of wisdom about my focusing on mental health. I told her that I am grieving AA to some degree. I am grieving the loss of the meetings and seeing the people. Not like I can't ever go back. It's just that for now, I have enough on my plate with my mental health.

We had a going away party for Travis on Friday night. And Travis and I golfed on Thursday. It was good to get some time with just him and me before he gets deployed.  Maybe that is why I am feeling kinda melancholy. Travis will be leaving, I don't see my AA peeps on a weekly basis....I don't know. I am just kinda feeling detached. I am still going through the motions. At least I am getting out and continuing to do things. It is just weird to have that detached feeling and still appear as "Heidi".

Am I turning the tide here?

Well I did stay at mom's. And though I wasn't there a LOT - mostly just in the evening - it still felt good. And it felt good to have just a mini-reprieve. I think I needed those. I wasn't feeling as depressed as when I went to the hospital/Maureen's House but I still just needed that tweak.

On my days off I went Thrift Store shopping with cousin Carrie (it was good to spend time with her because it has been awhile) and then she bought a printer at Office Depot and I bought a case/box of paper and 4 sets of markers to donate to NAMI. We dropped those off and then I went to mom's. I also had a meeting on Thursday for the MN State Mental Health Advisory Council and ALSO had an appt at the Bariatric Clinic. I am  now 2 years out. I only lost a few more pounds since the last checkup 6 months ago but I am happy I am still losing.  My body fat is now at 37% and the goal is 33%. Normal BMI is 25 and I think she said I was at 33.

Friday I met with my personal trainer and sat in the whirlpool and steam room. OH DUH, fer shameeee, I forgot that I went golfing with Russ on Thursday. No wonder why I slept so hard on Thursday night. Or was it Friday. . OKAY, I just realized my faux pas. Friday was the Thrift Store shopping with Carrie. Thursday was golf and the Advisory Council Meeting. I then went to the 6pm AA meeting on Friday. Then back to mom's. Russ checked on Gertie for me for a couple days so I could be "duty-free".

Saturday I had my therapy appt with Lisa. Of course we talk about a lot of things but one thing I have brought up off and on with her and Martha is whether or not AA is a fit for me. I think that must have been in the back of my mind - my not being sure AA is a fit. And Lisa and I talked it out...I have given it a long time to see if it would work for me and in the end...I want to look for something else. I know AA works well for so many people...it's just that working AA really is a lot of work and time and energy. And so is my mental health - I even feel more energy draining for my mental health. I finally came to the decision that I want to focus wholly on my mental health...and as I get that under control then drinking will follow. I am already optimistic because while I haven't been able to totally abstain - I am doing MUCH  better. I am able to do 2-3 weeks at a time. I did it before - for 5 years and so I know I can do this again.

I also saw the movie Crazy Stupid Love with Martha yesterday. It was a great movie. And I am not necessarily a huge Steve Carrell fan but regardless the movie looked good and it was even better than I thought!  Then I went to the 6pm AA meeting and heard a speaker again talk about all that is needed to be done in AA to be successful. I know that each person can work their stuff the way they feel fit...but about the only thing I really truly enjoyed were the people I got to see.  And so I felt like it was all such a facade for me. And I am not that great at being "fake". And I just couldn't do it anymore. I might be wrong, I don't know....but going to AA just to see people - well I am not sure if that would actually get me sober. I am good at being multiple Heidi's!  Just not fake multiple Heidi's!


And here is some irony...this morning Jon, Genevieve, Penelope, Mom, Julie, Travis and I went to an episcopalian church that my girlfriend at work belongs too. She is a deacon at the church. And the episcopalian is a more liberal spin off of the Catholic church so it was easy to follow along. One never loses that ounce of Catholicism I suspect!  Oh yeah - back to the irony. So one of the things that bugged me about AA was the saying of the Our Father because to me that is a Christian based prayer and so why do we say it when perhaps I could be Hindu or Buddhist? And yet today - I said the Our Father and it was okay. I wasn't still into the whole Jesus Bible thing....but perhaps it is some of the traditions of the "regular church" that were okay. The "comfortableness" so to speak.  Many people talk about going outside your comfort zone to grow.  And I will agree. But maybe we still  need that bit of comfort sticking around to help us move forward.

Anyway so the Priest  did a prayer and an introduction to the church of Travis.  And then he asked us as family to come up around Travis and lay our hands on him. Fr Mark also invited any other Service Members - past or present to also join us in the laying of hands.  While mom, Julie and me teared up - it was also calming to me. I seriously could feel my energy flow into Travis. And it was the coolest thing to see Travis with Fr Mark's hand on his head as he received the blessing.  When it came time for communion - anyone could take communion (another difference between the Catholic church) or if you cross your arms over your heart/chest the Fr would give you a blessing.  So I decided to do that because I want to get to that peacefulness that I know I have - when I find it again. And I kid you not....I totally felt Fr Marks' energy and blessing. I can often go through a day with not having another human touch me. Well touch me in a loving and gentle way and perhaps that is why is meant so much to me. Fr Mark laid his hand on my head and blessed me. Whether this is in my head or not - and it doesn't really matter in the end. I just felt peace.

And today I am ready to continue on. And continue along with the bumps and hopefully as I encounter more bumps that come along in life - I will get better and better at just accepting them - feeling them - and moving on. I hopefully understand now that this is life. Or maybe not understand - just accept it more. Bit by bit I am getting there.

I did have a med change and upped my mood stabilizer (Lamictal) and I think I have finally gotten to the "normal" phase. I am tired a lot - and I am accepting (I hope I hope I hope) that I am willing to be tired and take my meds instead of ignoring them. There just might be a tad bit of "willingness" now instead of being that "willful" Heidi that doesn't want to take life as it is. 

As Yoda says - Do or Do Not - There is no Try!

Love to all of you!

August 2

Still working on getting myself together. After 3 weeks of not drinking I drank this weekend. And I have been feeling like pulling away from everyone because I just get plain ol sick and tired of people and yet I also DON'T want to pull away. This has just been one heckuva long battle in the past months and I am still trying to get "straightened out". I want to feel better. I am still waiting for my drugs so that is the annoying thing about anti-psychotic drugs but it is what it is!

It is weird - it's like I kinda had things under control and thought I had accepted bipolar and now I just don't feel like I know anything anymore. I am feeling like I am totally losing it and feel all "crumbly" inside is about the best way I can describe it. I met with Martha on Monday (friend and sponsor) and perhaps that is what my "bottom" is going to be in terms of sobriety. Just the whole emotional icky feeling.

Of course when I do start having "better" days then I want to go back to hmmm hahhh do I want sobriety. I just know that in order to get my moods stable I need to not drink and also to not drink I need to have a stable mood. UGH they are so intertwined. I don't like to refer to "crazy or nuts" but man -perhaps that is only the best way to describe it. I am literally feeling crazy. Lisa told me last week that depression can cause one to not be able to focus and have a bad memory. And it has been like that for awhile for me. So perhaps I have been depressed for awhile and was unaware. Although perhaps mania could be said to do the same thing. I have had a hard time focusing and also my memory is shot.

It is also taking so much energy and effort to continue doing things right now and I seriously have no clue how I continue on. I think I have been saying that for awhile. I kinda have a fear too that by the time I get feeling better - winter will be around the corner again and ugh - it may start all over. I can't think about that now. Just need to be in today.

So - what I have decided to do - is go over to mom's for the weekend. My friend Russ will check on Gertie for me. I think I just need some more down time and just to hang with mom, watch TV, whatever. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom -

Perhaps part of my "new unacceptance" of bipolar is because as I think of how much work it can be to keep symptoms under control and now to do it without alcohol because that is how I have dealt with it for years...well it is harder to come to terms than I thought. And all I can say is that I will continue to try because what else can I do?

Maybe I won't say "unacceptance" - maybe I will term it as - kinda learning or beginning all over. I think that is a good start. Re-learning. Life is just kinda like that :-)