So remember I said that I think one of the treatment women snagged my debit card? Well I called my counselor Amanda this morning. Amazing for me because I usually hate dealing with any type of conflict thing. Not that the conflict was with Amanda, but I had to tell her something uncomfortable - that I thought someone lifted my card. I told her what had transpired and why I thought someone in the class had removed it from my purse - because A. I had it used it on Monday and saw it in my billfold Tuesday morning when I stopped for coffee. B. I didn't take my purse with me to the bathroom. C. When I got to work (and I had gone straight to work) the card was gone.
I told Amanda that I know there is probably nothing she can do since I can't prove anything and that I had called it into my bank already anyway and they were dealing with it. I told her I just wanted her to be aware of what most likely happened. And I also told her that I really don't have trust now with the group and I am not sure I want to share anything going forward. I felt violated and how can I share anything when I feel that way. Hell I have trust issues anyway.
Amanda was pretty quiet other than saying that it was unacceptable. Come to find out she must have really been thinking about things because she called Lisa today. Lisa and her talked for about 20 minutes. Lisa said that whatever Amanda said correlated to things that I had told her which was good. This means that I am being totally honest with Lisa. Which I am sure she probably knows for the most part but it is always nice to be validated. I guess one of the things that Amanda brought up to Lisa though was my debit card issue. Amanda is concerned about how that is going to affect my treatment. I thought this was cool that they talked about stuff. Which I think treatment is supposed to fill in my therapist anyway but maybe they only do it via paperwork. Anyway, sounds like Amanda may come up with options - I am not sure. But Amanda doesn't want me to quit. And of course, that thought did cross my mind.
I am one of the few people in all the treatment classes I have taken there thus far that has a home, has a car, has a job. There are a couple others but most are unemployed, living in half way houses or parents, etc etc. Not all...but the majority. So with that being said - I should have kept my guard up. But I am naive. I give peeps the benefit of the doubt. I would never think to steal so of course no one else would that I am surrounded by. Then I put it in this perspective...just as people don't understand mental illnesses, I don't understand shoplifting. I need to keep that thought. Just accept is as - it is what it is.
Therapy was one helluva session tonight. I can't even go into it but just know that I walked out with a headache and now I am really tired and the headache is gone. I can tell you that I realized that there are many many things in my life yet that I haven't truly accepted. Did I say that in my last blog? Well I guess that is weighing heavily on my mind. Lots of things I need to accept. I won't say god, but I will say.. grant me the serenity to accept....and I will leave it at that for now.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
*UCK
I lost my debit card but now as I think about it...I am thinking someone in treatment stole it. I went to the bathroom and didn't remember to take my purse...of course I figure with a small group and with what we are doing there that shit wouldn't happen. My retardedness though...one girl today said that she had got caught shoplifting. OMG do I really have to be that untrusting of people? Effing A.
Treatment
Treatment started with 12 sessions of 3 days a week and then goes to 2 sessions a week for 7 weeks. Even though I only had 11 sessions of the 3 day a week, since the holidays came into play I started my 2 days a week today. Which is nice to only commit to twice a week now. I got a kudos for managing my shitty feeling on Christmas Eve in a healthy way. And as I have said and as the counselor agreed, baby steps. I may not see any immaculate changes immediately but one day they will just be there. And in hindsight, that is what my therapy has been like. Even though many times I want to be further ahead or am still looking for that better place...I know that compared to 10 years ago I am in a better place already. The biggest change that I saw was my improved relationship with Dad and Ellie. I had also quit drinking for 5 years (until after the gastric bypass when I thought ok, I can manage this), I did the gastric bypass (no matter how hard it has been emotionally, the physical health aspect is definitely huge), I am working at not taking things so personal and slowly getting there, my self -esteem continues on the peaks and valleys BUT it is a far cry from 10 years ago, I moved back to MN, I finally accepted that I truly do need help to stay away from alcohol and that I need to change my thought patterns, I have gone through DBT to learn life coping skills, I started school and working toward my bachelor degree. Funny that I can say all this now. Last week when Lisa said I have come a long way and have done a lot of work and she can see the changes...I just said to her...yeah but I started drinking again.
So weird. I always think I have a pretty positive outlook on life (and I think for the most part I do) except for when it comes to me. Then I am sooo damn good at shooting myself down and minimizing anything I do. Martha is helping me along also in making more realizations about myself. Well, perhaps I should say....that as I spend time with Martha and talk with her, I get lightbulb moments. I do with Lisa too, but at an hour every week or two, it's harder to fit those moments in. Martha and I talk every day. In addition I have so many questions about AA in terms of higher power, the steps, etc. - not being so sure about what I want to take away from all of it, that as I get feedback, it helps me sort other things out. I have also been doing more reading which when I was drinking I didn't take as much time. Now I need to fill some empty space with things to do and one of them has been reading. Right now I am reading Meeting the Shadow - The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature. This is what the back of book has for a description -
Rage, jealousy, lying, resentment, blaming, greed. These forbidden feeling and behaviors arise from the dark, denied parts of ourselves - the personal shadow. Everyone has a shadow, which begins to develop in childhood as a result of stuffing away negative feelings in order to build a proper ego. We encounter our shadow when we feel an unexplainable dislike of someone, when we uncover a long-buried unacceptable trait in ourselves, or when we feel overwhelmed by anger, envy or shame.
But the shadow is not only an individual problem. Groups and nations have a collective shadow, which can lead to dangerous actions, such as racism, scapegoating, enemy-making and war.
In a collection of 65 wide-ranging articles, Meeting the Shadow presents an overview of the dark side of human nature as it appears in families, intimate relationships, sexuality, work, spirituality, the New Age, politics, psychotherapy, and creativity.
It also offers tools for individual development by teaching shadow-work, which enables us to *achieve a more genuine and complete self-acceptance *defuse the negative emotions that erupt in daily life *release the guilt and shame associated with negativity *recognize the projections that color our opinions about others *heal our relationships through deeper authenticity *and use writing, drawing, and dreams to reclaim the disowned parts of ourselves.
Although we think of the shadow as containing only darkness, as Jung stated, its essence is "pure gold".
I have read a few chapters so far and find it very intriguing. If anyone ever wants to borrow it let me know.
With all this work I have been doing over the past 10 years, don't ask me what my end goal is. I am not really sure. I can only say that I will know when I am done (or need a break). At this moment, I still have things to work through and digest. What I will say is that I am pretty sure I am closer to my comfort with myself than I ever have been before at any point in my life. And that is a good feeling. I am trying hard to live my life with using better healthier thoughts and actions. I think that may be the only goal I have in mind. I am not looking for perfection because as they stress in treatment, we are all human, we are imperfect. No one can be perfect.
Sometimes at night when I am having a hard time falling asleep I do little mantras in order to hopefully take the focus off my twirling whirling thoughts. I have started saying Peace and Love over and over again...I figure that as I say that more and more I will believe in it stronger and will achieve both at some point. I also shared this with Martha. Then the other day I was talking with Martha and realized that there are many things in my life that I don't accept - and that I need to work on acceptance. That never really came to me before. Well I know there have been THINGS that I need to accept, but I think overall I just need to accept all in my life as it is. Anyway, so I decided I need to add the word accept to my mantra. Peace, Love, Accept. Or as Martha pointed out - PAL. I thought that was the coolest thing BECAUSE if I get that Peace, Accept and Love....I will be a PAL to myself. And THAT is what I have really been working toward. Being a PAL to myself and loving myself. Rock On!
So weird. I always think I have a pretty positive outlook on life (and I think for the most part I do) except for when it comes to me. Then I am sooo damn good at shooting myself down and minimizing anything I do. Martha is helping me along also in making more realizations about myself. Well, perhaps I should say....that as I spend time with Martha and talk with her, I get lightbulb moments. I do with Lisa too, but at an hour every week or two, it's harder to fit those moments in. Martha and I talk every day. In addition I have so many questions about AA in terms of higher power, the steps, etc. - not being so sure about what I want to take away from all of it, that as I get feedback, it helps me sort other things out. I have also been doing more reading which when I was drinking I didn't take as much time. Now I need to fill some empty space with things to do and one of them has been reading. Right now I am reading Meeting the Shadow - The Hidden Power of the Dark Side of Human Nature. This is what the back of book has for a description -
Rage, jealousy, lying, resentment, blaming, greed. These forbidden feeling and behaviors arise from the dark, denied parts of ourselves - the personal shadow. Everyone has a shadow, which begins to develop in childhood as a result of stuffing away negative feelings in order to build a proper ego. We encounter our shadow when we feel an unexplainable dislike of someone, when we uncover a long-buried unacceptable trait in ourselves, or when we feel overwhelmed by anger, envy or shame.
But the shadow is not only an individual problem. Groups and nations have a collective shadow, which can lead to dangerous actions, such as racism, scapegoating, enemy-making and war.
In a collection of 65 wide-ranging articles, Meeting the Shadow presents an overview of the dark side of human nature as it appears in families, intimate relationships, sexuality, work, spirituality, the New Age, politics, psychotherapy, and creativity.
It also offers tools for individual development by teaching shadow-work, which enables us to *achieve a more genuine and complete self-acceptance *defuse the negative emotions that erupt in daily life *release the guilt and shame associated with negativity *recognize the projections that color our opinions about others *heal our relationships through deeper authenticity *and use writing, drawing, and dreams to reclaim the disowned parts of ourselves.
Although we think of the shadow as containing only darkness, as Jung stated, its essence is "pure gold".
I have read a few chapters so far and find it very intriguing. If anyone ever wants to borrow it let me know.
With all this work I have been doing over the past 10 years, don't ask me what my end goal is. I am not really sure. I can only say that I will know when I am done (or need a break). At this moment, I still have things to work through and digest. What I will say is that I am pretty sure I am closer to my comfort with myself than I ever have been before at any point in my life. And that is a good feeling. I am trying hard to live my life with using better healthier thoughts and actions. I think that may be the only goal I have in mind. I am not looking for perfection because as they stress in treatment, we are all human, we are imperfect. No one can be perfect.
Sometimes at night when I am having a hard time falling asleep I do little mantras in order to hopefully take the focus off my twirling whirling thoughts. I have started saying Peace and Love over and over again...I figure that as I say that more and more I will believe in it stronger and will achieve both at some point. I also shared this with Martha. Then the other day I was talking with Martha and realized that there are many things in my life that I don't accept - and that I need to work on acceptance. That never really came to me before. Well I know there have been THINGS that I need to accept, but I think overall I just need to accept all in my life as it is. Anyway, so I decided I need to add the word accept to my mantra. Peace, Love, Accept. Or as Martha pointed out - PAL. I thought that was the coolest thing BECAUSE if I get that Peace, Accept and Love....I will be a PAL to myself. And THAT is what I have really been working toward. Being a PAL to myself and loving myself. Rock On!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
The Ghost of Christmas Past
So the holiday season of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day have passed. Two, no three things came to light. One, I effing miss eating all the junk food - even though I am happy with my weight loss. I still grieve over not being able to eat all the goodies. I hope it isn't going to be like this with alcohol. Two, I miss having cocktails. Not that our family really has drinks at Christmas, but I do like having cocktails on Christmas Eve. When I lived in CT , my friend Jeff and often got together Christmas Eve and I would make dinner and we would have cocktails and laugh our asses off. I do miss some of those times. Three, the holidays always make me feel lonely - granted I have many friends and family that love me and I do know this. However, it is also during these times that I wish I had a significant other. Today though it's not so bad and I am not pining away. I just wish that all of these three obstacles for me would just go away and leave my mind and body.
Christmas Eve I spent with the Bears. That is my tradition since in the old days all the siblings spent with their Christmas Eve with their in-laws and then we always got together Christmas morning. I love the Bears and it is always awesome to spend time with them. However, as the night went on I started feeling melancholy and lonely. I have a couple possibilities as to why perhaps I started feeling this way. Russ the Handyman had called me Friday morning and left a voicemail that he saw Santa had stopped by. He gave me the funniest card along with a coaster that says Queen of the Green (golf), the movie Out of Africa (which is his all time favorite romance movie) and an ornament. That was so thoughtful. I had also seen Sam this past week because he was in MN. Now granted, I have said in previous posts that I don't see anything ever permanent between him and I, and I also know that it is nice to see him. I would really like to date Russ just because whenever we spend time together or do something to hang out, we have lots of laughs and a great time. I don't know exactly his reason for not dating and I haven't ever asked. I think we have some good karma though between us so it is what it is. If nothing else, I like the comradery and the time together that we do hang out.
Anyhoo, so I am going to take a stab in the dark that perhaps that was some of the cause of my loneliness. In addition, I just have a hard time sitting at home alone with myself. Weird I know...because I like my alone time and I don't like my alone time. Definitely sitting at home during Christmas Eve is a time I don't like my alone time.
My melancholiness started turning towards a depressive moment. I have found that without my drinking I have been getting a lot more tearful - easy to cry. And I don't really like that. I don't know if I need to up my meds to get more stable emotions or if I just need to deal with this. Hopefully I will remember to talk with Lisa about these moments. Anyway, so I ended up with tears in my eyes most of the way home. Couldn't tell ya why. Good thing I hadn't stopped at any liquor store beforehand. Luckily I was so busy running around on Friday that I didn't even think of it. Amazingly though, on the way home I found a few restaurants that were open and I could have easily stopped off for a couple drinks. And I didn't. However, while I am glad I didn't I really questioned my choice in working on sobriety. See, I was feeling very depressed and had thoughts of suicide (suicide ideation) from the time I left Coon Rapids until I finally went to bed. I sooo know that people don't get it, don't get it at all if one has never experienced it. And I get that. Again, I am not asking people to get it, or to understand, but just to be supportive. I don't need people asking me why I feel the way I do. It just happens - these feelings are the symptoms of bipolar. So yeah, I could have easily chosen to drink so that I wouldn't have to think about how I was feeling. A couple things stopped me. I have not drank for nearly three weeks and didn't want to start over. I have very supportive people that are proud that I am working on this new journey, and I didn't want to let myself down - whether it was do to my stubborness, my competitiveness (not giving up), or the fact that it would probably be another blow to my self-esteem if I did give in. For whatever reason, I didn't drink.
I sat there with my big ball of shit, feeling like shit, thinking about how good it would feel to not feel like this, how if I wasn't around I wouldn't have to deal with how I feel. So instead of continuing to dwell on this I reached out to Sam and Martha. For the future, reaching out to Sam when I feel like this - probably not so smart. He is very black and white and thinks that just because one day he woke up and figured out he needs to stop drinking - that all people should do it the same way. I had also forgot that last year during the holidays his mother tried to commit suicide. So yeah, not so smart on my part. He is all about the tough love (which can be good and can backfire from my point of view). I also talked with Martha. She works in the mental health field so she gets me wayyy more than Sam. She had excellent suggestions. She understood and was compassionate and that is what I needed.
After getting the "talk" from Sam and getting some understanding and a plan from Martha...I finally decided to go to bed. I did take some trazadone so I could sleep and so I wouldn't be up all night thinking about how I was feeling. I have often talked with Lisa and even in DBT about how I don't want to sit around feeling like shit. They know that all too well. And Martha also gets it. So I was proud of myself for reaching out, for deciding that it is about time I work some skills and pay attention to what people are telling me....and I sat there. I sat there feeling like shit, feeling lonely, feeling a big ass ball of pain in my chest. And I survived. And I made it. And it does pass. The feeling does go away. And that realization finally hit me. Even though I have hashed it over for months and months with many people. Hell probably years. I don't know why the lightbulb finally lit up. I have no clue. All I can ask is that the next time I feel like this...I remember this past Friday night. And I survived sitting through feeling like uber shit. And I made it, and I felt better the next day.
Christmas Day was super well. I am always sleepy the next half a day when I take the trazadone so I wasn't very talkative. I must also say that I was very apprehensive about being with family after the Thanksgiving debacle. I didn't want to hear anything from anyone, or have any questions asked of me about treatment, AA or anything. And no one did. They respected my wishes and gave me very good hugs and just said that they were happy I was there. And that is the support I needed and that is the support I appreciated. I did keep my wall of defense on alert. And I was tired. Mom commented that I seemed a bit distance. Genevieve asked if I was okay. And I was. Just tired and keeping the wall slightly up. I guess I was in the fight or flight mode (and would have opted for the flight if it got uncomfortable for me).
After presents and dinner I went home and finished cleaning the condo and made some home made crumpets. My sponsor and friend Martha came over at 4:30 and spent 2 1/2 hours with me. We read some from the Big Book as they refer to it in AA. And just spent time talking, laughing and also digesting thoughts about AA. See, I love the fellowship. I have issues with the whole higher power (they say HP, I say HP laser printer) and I think many of the steps seem to focus on how miserable we drank, how life was so horrible, etc. Well, there were not so happy moments in my drinking. I will fully admit to that. I also had some very happy moments. In the end I had more happy than not so happy. Still doesn't mean that I don't realize that when alcohol is in my life that it is unmanageable. Very much so in that I make poor and risky choices and it does absolute shit for my mental health. So yeah, I get it. Doesn't mean that I still waffle on whether I am doing the right thing...when I am in my emotional mind. When I am in my rational mind it makes all the sense in the world to me.
Trust me, I am struggling with many things. And I am forging ahead. ANDDD this is also why I still want to be left alone about my alcohol abuse. It takes SO much energy to be focused on this amongst many other things in my life. I am still focusing on therapy also. I am doing a lot of work for myself. And I kinda snowballed into the whole drinking thing...and perhaps that is how it was supposed to be and perhaps that is they way I needed it to occur. Don't ask me. I am just taking the ride. And while I wonder at times if my not drinking is really what I want to do...and I wonder if life really will be better if I don't drink...and if I wonder if life will be any better in general after all this work on myself. I keep doing it. Again, back to the stubborness, the competitiveness or whatever it is...maybe it's the HP printer that is helping to guide me. I have no clue. I like to analyze and to figure things out. I am not so sure I am going to be able to figure all this out. And maybe one can't really figure out stuff like this. This is where I am at. Completely clueless and yet not completely clueless.
Christmas day ended with Julie, myself, Michele and Jim going to see the Cohen Brothers movie True Grit. It was an awesome movie and a wonderful way to end a very good day.
I don't remember if I said this earlier...but my friend Chanda was also in town recently. And along the way in our hanging out...one thing she said to me was that reading my blog has given her a lot of insight about me and has also helped her out with some things in her own life. And I told her, this is why I blog. Well one of the reasons. I want to share my journey with others if they so choose to read it. And I also hope that with that being said...perhaps there are tidbits of my journey that may help someone along the way. I was glad to hear that some little piece of my ramblings affected Chanda. I know that my blogging is not done in vain. That is a good feeling. One day I will write a book. Even if it is just for me. I already have the title. Pieces to Peaces. I just need to work through a few more things in this here journey. I do feel a lot of peace in my life. More peace than ever before at any time. The drinking thing has done some upsetting to the apple cart. But I know it is still in me. I am just working my way back to it.
Christmas Eve I spent with the Bears. That is my tradition since in the old days all the siblings spent with their Christmas Eve with their in-laws and then we always got together Christmas morning. I love the Bears and it is always awesome to spend time with them. However, as the night went on I started feeling melancholy and lonely. I have a couple possibilities as to why perhaps I started feeling this way. Russ the Handyman had called me Friday morning and left a voicemail that he saw Santa had stopped by. He gave me the funniest card along with a coaster that says Queen of the Green (golf), the movie Out of Africa (which is his all time favorite romance movie) and an ornament. That was so thoughtful. I had also seen Sam this past week because he was in MN. Now granted, I have said in previous posts that I don't see anything ever permanent between him and I, and I also know that it is nice to see him. I would really like to date Russ just because whenever we spend time together or do something to hang out, we have lots of laughs and a great time. I don't know exactly his reason for not dating and I haven't ever asked. I think we have some good karma though between us so it is what it is. If nothing else, I like the comradery and the time together that we do hang out.
Anyhoo, so I am going to take a stab in the dark that perhaps that was some of the cause of my loneliness. In addition, I just have a hard time sitting at home alone with myself. Weird I know...because I like my alone time and I don't like my alone time. Definitely sitting at home during Christmas Eve is a time I don't like my alone time.
My melancholiness started turning towards a depressive moment. I have found that without my drinking I have been getting a lot more tearful - easy to cry. And I don't really like that. I don't know if I need to up my meds to get more stable emotions or if I just need to deal with this. Hopefully I will remember to talk with Lisa about these moments. Anyway, so I ended up with tears in my eyes most of the way home. Couldn't tell ya why. Good thing I hadn't stopped at any liquor store beforehand. Luckily I was so busy running around on Friday that I didn't even think of it. Amazingly though, on the way home I found a few restaurants that were open and I could have easily stopped off for a couple drinks. And I didn't. However, while I am glad I didn't I really questioned my choice in working on sobriety. See, I was feeling very depressed and had thoughts of suicide (suicide ideation) from the time I left Coon Rapids until I finally went to bed. I sooo know that people don't get it, don't get it at all if one has never experienced it. And I get that. Again, I am not asking people to get it, or to understand, but just to be supportive. I don't need people asking me why I feel the way I do. It just happens - these feelings are the symptoms of bipolar. So yeah, I could have easily chosen to drink so that I wouldn't have to think about how I was feeling. A couple things stopped me. I have not drank for nearly three weeks and didn't want to start over. I have very supportive people that are proud that I am working on this new journey, and I didn't want to let myself down - whether it was do to my stubborness, my competitiveness (not giving up), or the fact that it would probably be another blow to my self-esteem if I did give in. For whatever reason, I didn't drink.
I sat there with my big ball of shit, feeling like shit, thinking about how good it would feel to not feel like this, how if I wasn't around I wouldn't have to deal with how I feel. So instead of continuing to dwell on this I reached out to Sam and Martha. For the future, reaching out to Sam when I feel like this - probably not so smart. He is very black and white and thinks that just because one day he woke up and figured out he needs to stop drinking - that all people should do it the same way. I had also forgot that last year during the holidays his mother tried to commit suicide. So yeah, not so smart on my part. He is all about the tough love (which can be good and can backfire from my point of view). I also talked with Martha. She works in the mental health field so she gets me wayyy more than Sam. She had excellent suggestions. She understood and was compassionate and that is what I needed.
After getting the "talk" from Sam and getting some understanding and a plan from Martha...I finally decided to go to bed. I did take some trazadone so I could sleep and so I wouldn't be up all night thinking about how I was feeling. I have often talked with Lisa and even in DBT about how I don't want to sit around feeling like shit. They know that all too well. And Martha also gets it. So I was proud of myself for reaching out, for deciding that it is about time I work some skills and pay attention to what people are telling me....and I sat there. I sat there feeling like shit, feeling lonely, feeling a big ass ball of pain in my chest. And I survived. And I made it. And it does pass. The feeling does go away. And that realization finally hit me. Even though I have hashed it over for months and months with many people. Hell probably years. I don't know why the lightbulb finally lit up. I have no clue. All I can ask is that the next time I feel like this...I remember this past Friday night. And I survived sitting through feeling like uber shit. And I made it, and I felt better the next day.
Christmas Day was super well. I am always sleepy the next half a day when I take the trazadone so I wasn't very talkative. I must also say that I was very apprehensive about being with family after the Thanksgiving debacle. I didn't want to hear anything from anyone, or have any questions asked of me about treatment, AA or anything. And no one did. They respected my wishes and gave me very good hugs and just said that they were happy I was there. And that is the support I needed and that is the support I appreciated. I did keep my wall of defense on alert. And I was tired. Mom commented that I seemed a bit distance. Genevieve asked if I was okay. And I was. Just tired and keeping the wall slightly up. I guess I was in the fight or flight mode (and would have opted for the flight if it got uncomfortable for me).
After presents and dinner I went home and finished cleaning the condo and made some home made crumpets. My sponsor and friend Martha came over at 4:30 and spent 2 1/2 hours with me. We read some from the Big Book as they refer to it in AA. And just spent time talking, laughing and also digesting thoughts about AA. See, I love the fellowship. I have issues with the whole higher power (they say HP, I say HP laser printer) and I think many of the steps seem to focus on how miserable we drank, how life was so horrible, etc. Well, there were not so happy moments in my drinking. I will fully admit to that. I also had some very happy moments. In the end I had more happy than not so happy. Still doesn't mean that I don't realize that when alcohol is in my life that it is unmanageable. Very much so in that I make poor and risky choices and it does absolute shit for my mental health. So yeah, I get it. Doesn't mean that I still waffle on whether I am doing the right thing...when I am in my emotional mind. When I am in my rational mind it makes all the sense in the world to me.
Trust me, I am struggling with many things. And I am forging ahead. ANDDD this is also why I still want to be left alone about my alcohol abuse. It takes SO much energy to be focused on this amongst many other things in my life. I am still focusing on therapy also. I am doing a lot of work for myself. And I kinda snowballed into the whole drinking thing...and perhaps that is how it was supposed to be and perhaps that is they way I needed it to occur. Don't ask me. I am just taking the ride. And while I wonder at times if my not drinking is really what I want to do...and I wonder if life really will be better if I don't drink...and if I wonder if life will be any better in general after all this work on myself. I keep doing it. Again, back to the stubborness, the competitiveness or whatever it is...maybe it's the HP printer that is helping to guide me. I have no clue. I like to analyze and to figure things out. I am not so sure I am going to be able to figure all this out. And maybe one can't really figure out stuff like this. This is where I am at. Completely clueless and yet not completely clueless.
Christmas day ended with Julie, myself, Michele and Jim going to see the Cohen Brothers movie True Grit. It was an awesome movie and a wonderful way to end a very good day.
I don't remember if I said this earlier...but my friend Chanda was also in town recently. And along the way in our hanging out...one thing she said to me was that reading my blog has given her a lot of insight about me and has also helped her out with some things in her own life. And I told her, this is why I blog. Well one of the reasons. I want to share my journey with others if they so choose to read it. And I also hope that with that being said...perhaps there are tidbits of my journey that may help someone along the way. I was glad to hear that some little piece of my ramblings affected Chanda. I know that my blogging is not done in vain. That is a good feeling. One day I will write a book. Even if it is just for me. I already have the title. Pieces to Peaces. I just need to work through a few more things in this here journey. I do feel a lot of peace in my life. More peace than ever before at any time. The drinking thing has done some upsetting to the apple cart. But I know it is still in me. I am just working my way back to it.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Wow, didn't realize it has been so long since I blogged
Guess I was involved with finishing up the semester and starting treatment and going to AA meetings and meeting with my sponsor and just trying to live life. In addition, on the 9th of December I had surgery to have my left big toe fused. My recovery has been more painful than I anticipated and today it finally feels the best. Though still painful but at least tolerable now. I had super bad arthritis and the fusion will permanently remove the pain once it is all healed which is about 6 weeks. They put a screw in the toe with a plate on top. The doctor also removed any remaining cartilage that was left. The screw will allow the bones from the joint to grow together (hence a fusion) and then there will be no space between the bone. Thus alleviating the arthritic pain.
Sobriety is going okay. During the work week I am fine. It is the weekends that are harder. I have had a couple bad bad days where I just wanted to go home and have some wine. Mostly high stress days. I will have to figure better ways to deal with stress. Some of the things I have done is light candles and pop in a movie, read, cook and whatever else to try and take my mind off going to the liquor store. I think some of it is just habit and they say it takes 30 days to break a habit...and some of course is just me trying to figure out how to deal with the unpleasantness that life hands us all from time to time.
My sponsor is awesome though and we have a lot in common. She shares the stuggles that she had, she goes to meetings with me and in addition we meet once a week to talk about whatever...may be drinking, meetings, or even just hanging and talking about whatever is going on in our lives.
Anyway, trying to get some Christmas cards out but I knew it had been awhile since I blogged. It took me 5 days to get back into the swing of things after surgery so didn't feel much like blogging.
Finishing the semester of school was so flipping relieving I can't even tell you. I even ended up with a B in macroeconomics which totally surprised me. I thought I was on the edge of a C/D grade. I think my homework helped in which we had to do some reports and write some thoughts about what the Fed does. Because it sure was a struggle to get the problems done all the time. And luckily one of my co-workers is an economics major so I dragged him into helping me by explaining and helping me interpret the graphs. Once he helped me understand what I was reading, then I had a much easier time answering the questions. And this is why I will not be taking online classes again. I guess I am a visual and verbal person...need the explanation in person.
Anyway, here is a picture of my toe after they took out the stitches last Friday.
Sobriety is going okay. During the work week I am fine. It is the weekends that are harder. I have had a couple bad bad days where I just wanted to go home and have some wine. Mostly high stress days. I will have to figure better ways to deal with stress. Some of the things I have done is light candles and pop in a movie, read, cook and whatever else to try and take my mind off going to the liquor store. I think some of it is just habit and they say it takes 30 days to break a habit...and some of course is just me trying to figure out how to deal with the unpleasantness that life hands us all from time to time.
My sponsor is awesome though and we have a lot in common. She shares the stuggles that she had, she goes to meetings with me and in addition we meet once a week to talk about whatever...may be drinking, meetings, or even just hanging and talking about whatever is going on in our lives.
Anyway, trying to get some Christmas cards out but I knew it had been awhile since I blogged. It took me 5 days to get back into the swing of things after surgery so didn't feel much like blogging.
Finishing the semester of school was so flipping relieving I can't even tell you. I even ended up with a B in macroeconomics which totally surprised me. I thought I was on the edge of a C/D grade. I think my homework helped in which we had to do some reports and write some thoughts about what the Fed does. Because it sure was a struggle to get the problems done all the time. And luckily one of my co-workers is an economics major so I dragged him into helping me by explaining and helping me interpret the graphs. Once he helped me understand what I was reading, then I had a much easier time answering the questions. And this is why I will not be taking online classes again. I guess I am a visual and verbal person...need the explanation in person.
Anyway, here is a picture of my toe after they took out the stitches last Friday.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Progress not Perfection
This is what I need to keep remembering. So I had a couple epiphanies again during therapy yesterday. Wellll actually these thoughts have also been lingering in the back of my mind for awhile. I will admit that I am a drama queen. There, it is out in the open. I didn't think I was but I am. And this is why. I "want" something to be wrong with me. And this still all relates to my lack of self love. I want to be labeled bipolar, I want to be the woman that had gastric bypass, I want to be a recovering alcoholic. I need to have something wrong with me. I told Lisa that I feel like if I don't have something wrong with me. I will be forgotten about. I know in my MIND that is soooo dumb. But you know, I have no kids, no spouse, etc. Not that I necessarily want them either. Well the kids thing won't be happening anyway. And the verdict is still out on a spouse.
The other silly thing is that I don't want to be bugged by anyone right now and yet I do want to be bugged. I know I tell people to leave me alone while I am working on things. But then I don't want to sit home alone with myself either. I keep running and hiding from myself. I need to learn to sit with myself and be okay with that. In fact, I was thinking that when I am sober then I will then get some self love. But perhaps it is the other way around? Do I need to have self love in order to be sober? I don't know the answer. What I do know is that these are two big battles!
I know awhile back I said I am at peace finally. I think I still am for the most part. Although lately that "peace" has been getting some kinks thrown into it. I mean seriously, what if I finally get to the self love point and then my life actually just flows along? Is there anything wrong with that? Hell no. That is what I should be striving to do. Life flowing along...I can't imagine. I don't even know if I have wanted that at all in my life. And why not? Think think think. I know I can't really imagine life flowing. And yet the reason I moved out at 18 was to get rid of the crap and to have life flow. Still working that angle. :-) I will get there.Hopefully now that I have these "enlightenments" I can start working towards that. I hope I am not taking too much on. I just think that in order to progress and have progress I need to work these things in tandem.
I do know these things....I am very lucky to have such awesome sponsors. I am very lucky to have my awesome DBT divas. I am very lucky to have awesome family and friends. One of the skills both in AA and DBT and Treatment are to write or think about things in my life that I am grateful for. The above listing is part of my gratitude list. In addition to my job, my condo, my schooling, my intelligence, my health. I mean c'monnn girl! I have a lot to be thankful for. What is missing from my list though is to be thankful for me.
I will be starting the week all over again. I did not have a successful weekend even though I went to therapy and also to AA meetings and even met with both of my sponsors/friends. Now that is the craziness of alcohol. I can do all these meaningful things to help guide me and move me along and that powerlessness still takes over at this point.I will be starting again today and focus on the next 24 hours.
The other silly thing is that I don't want to be bugged by anyone right now and yet I do want to be bugged. I know I tell people to leave me alone while I am working on things. But then I don't want to sit home alone with myself either. I keep running and hiding from myself. I need to learn to sit with myself and be okay with that. In fact, I was thinking that when I am sober then I will then get some self love. But perhaps it is the other way around? Do I need to have self love in order to be sober? I don't know the answer. What I do know is that these are two big battles!
I know awhile back I said I am at peace finally. I think I still am for the most part. Although lately that "peace" has been getting some kinks thrown into it. I mean seriously, what if I finally get to the self love point and then my life actually just flows along? Is there anything wrong with that? Hell no. That is what I should be striving to do. Life flowing along...I can't imagine. I don't even know if I have wanted that at all in my life. And why not? Think think think. I know I can't really imagine life flowing. And yet the reason I moved out at 18 was to get rid of the crap and to have life flow. Still working that angle. :-) I will get there.Hopefully now that I have these "enlightenments" I can start working towards that. I hope I am not taking too much on. I just think that in order to progress and have progress I need to work these things in tandem.
I do know these things....I am very lucky to have such awesome sponsors. I am very lucky to have my awesome DBT divas. I am very lucky to have awesome family and friends. One of the skills both in AA and DBT and Treatment are to write or think about things in my life that I am grateful for. The above listing is part of my gratitude list. In addition to my job, my condo, my schooling, my intelligence, my health. I mean c'monnn girl! I have a lot to be thankful for. What is missing from my list though is to be thankful for me.
I will be starting the week all over again. I did not have a successful weekend even though I went to therapy and also to AA meetings and even met with both of my sponsors/friends. Now that is the craziness of alcohol. I can do all these meaningful things to help guide me and move me along and that powerlessness still takes over at this point.I will be starting again today and focus on the next 24 hours.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Can't think of a title
So this week I am in training. I set up the training room, as in I had to reserve through Verizon for whatever reason. Unbeknownst to me we actually have two training rooms. One that is called "the training room" and the other is the "video conferencing room". I wanted the training room and told Verizon I wanted the training and of course....they assigned the video conferencing room. The differences are - the training room has a nice big theater type screen with a projector. The video conf room has two nice tv's for the video part....but does not work well for training because people can't see over the computers the way the room is laid out (so that is the preface). Well, so the vendor woman started huffing and puffing when she found out the set up of the room. And just kept on and on and on. And of course, I then decide to take on her shit - which is what I am so good at (and working on) but knowing how pissy she was, I wanted to curl up in a ball and die somewhere in the corner. I myself knew that we would get things worked out - and we did get it worked out because we found a screen and I was able to borrow a projector from our administrative assistant.
The vendor chick finally relaxed.
Last night in treatment we were talking about trauma, detaching, etc. There are times when it's good to detach in order to deal with things in life. However, I am horrible at detachment. If I could have detached myself from the situation on Tuesday I would have managed better. I brought this situation up in treatment to get feedback as to ...is this what you mean by taking on other people's emotions as opposed to detaching. I didn't really get an answer other than - yes I took on her shit. Well hello. I already know that! That is why I am in the situation I am in. One of the many reasons. And this is why I wanted to drink last night - and didn't because my sponsor was there for me.
The wanting to drink still lies at the edge constantly - I don't necessarily focus only on that 24x7 but it often creeps up in my brain throughout the day. Last night when I left treatment I started having an anxiety attack. My stomach ended up in knots. I thought I should go to an AA meeting and yet felt super chicken. It was like I was starting all over again. And I am terrified to some extent that things are moving fast for me at this juncture. And yet if I don't act on it, I will continue to procrastinate and nothing will change.
At treatment the counselor asked why I was in treatment, was I doing it for others or for myself? I straight up told her that it started because some people that I respect "highly suggested" it. AND I did it because I know that I need to do this. I mean ultimately, deep down I have known for a very long time that I can't manage alcohol responsibly. Of course, since I was able to stop for five years on my own I figured I was fine. I didn't really know or get why I drank though and so those five years, while sober, didn't really get to the reasons why I like drinking.
To escape is I think the epitome of it all. I was going to say "taking on other's emotions or not wanting to deal with emotions" but in reality, it is all about escape. I wanted to escape from the vendor because I felt like an idiot. I wanted to escape from my mom and dad when they were married because the arguing was constant (from what I remember). I wanted to escape from both parents after they both re-married because I felt as if I had to be on constant eggshells around the step parents. And I was afraid to ever talk about my mom to my dad or vice versa. I was constantly on edge. I hated getting in trouble. And that lasted for years. And that is a new epiphany for me. I have talked about these types of things with my therapists but I never really took the time to think about how long I lived like this. Even if I wasn't living with the parents, seeing them or getting together for holidays was always "on edge". I never knew if it would be a "good" holiday or a "bad" holiday.
Shit shit shit...and to think about how many freaking years I wastedddd being like that because I don't like conflict and I just want life to be harmonious. And that is not reality. And as I have stated numerous times - I don't like actual reality. My reality would be better - if I could have it my way! :-)
And it's not over yet. At least I am starting down the path.
The vendor chick finally relaxed.
Last night in treatment we were talking about trauma, detaching, etc. There are times when it's good to detach in order to deal with things in life. However, I am horrible at detachment. If I could have detached myself from the situation on Tuesday I would have managed better. I brought this situation up in treatment to get feedback as to ...is this what you mean by taking on other people's emotions as opposed to detaching. I didn't really get an answer other than - yes I took on her shit. Well hello. I already know that! That is why I am in the situation I am in. One of the many reasons. And this is why I wanted to drink last night - and didn't because my sponsor was there for me.
The wanting to drink still lies at the edge constantly - I don't necessarily focus only on that 24x7 but it often creeps up in my brain throughout the day. Last night when I left treatment I started having an anxiety attack. My stomach ended up in knots. I thought I should go to an AA meeting and yet felt super chicken. It was like I was starting all over again. And I am terrified to some extent that things are moving fast for me at this juncture. And yet if I don't act on it, I will continue to procrastinate and nothing will change.
At treatment the counselor asked why I was in treatment, was I doing it for others or for myself? I straight up told her that it started because some people that I respect "highly suggested" it. AND I did it because I know that I need to do this. I mean ultimately, deep down I have known for a very long time that I can't manage alcohol responsibly. Of course, since I was able to stop for five years on my own I figured I was fine. I didn't really know or get why I drank though and so those five years, while sober, didn't really get to the reasons why I like drinking.
To escape is I think the epitome of it all. I was going to say "taking on other's emotions or not wanting to deal with emotions" but in reality, it is all about escape. I wanted to escape from the vendor because I felt like an idiot. I wanted to escape from my mom and dad when they were married because the arguing was constant (from what I remember). I wanted to escape from both parents after they both re-married because I felt as if I had to be on constant eggshells around the step parents. And I was afraid to ever talk about my mom to my dad or vice versa. I was constantly on edge. I hated getting in trouble. And that lasted for years. And that is a new epiphany for me. I have talked about these types of things with my therapists but I never really took the time to think about how long I lived like this. Even if I wasn't living with the parents, seeing them or getting together for holidays was always "on edge". I never knew if it would be a "good" holiday or a "bad" holiday.
Shit shit shit...and to think about how many freaking years I wastedddd being like that because I don't like conflict and I just want life to be harmonious. And that is not reality. And as I have stated numerous times - I don't like actual reality. My reality would be better - if I could have it my way! :-)
And it's not over yet. At least I am starting down the path.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Doing well so far
Treatment is going well. I really like that they deal with the mental health and the chemical dependency. I really like my sponsor also. We have really clicked. I do find that I have to keep myself busy (well I pretty much do anyway) but busy with healthy things so that I don't get swayed to go to the bar or buy wine for home. It is getting easier though and my self esteem and self worth is slowly getting better day by day. Even though it hasn't been a week yet. I know I have a long way to go. I just feel like with going to treatment, going to AA, meeting with my sponsor and meeting with my DBT friends that I will make this. Well in addition to also continuing with my therapist. It is a lot of "processing" but I think I need to ratch it up a notch and to stay busy with all of this...to help me think about what I need to do in order to stay away from old ineffective behavior.
Just trying to take it day by day so I don't get overwhelmed.
Just trying to take it day by day so I don't get overwhelmed.
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